New Here... Hello

[AlwaysUnsure]

Hi. I've hated the idea of talking about my OCD with strangers... lately the need for connecting with others going through what I'm going through has outweighed my fear of posting on here. I've had OCD since I was 5. I'm now 27. It's involved every kind of OCD, contamination being the main theme throughout.

I recently moved out to a house in the country. It's a small, one bedroom, fixer upper that my boyfriend and I live in together. We have had a HUGE mouse infestation, mold problem, and now ant infestation. I used to work full-time before Covid so I was out of the house 50% of the time. Now I'm here everyday all day. We have been working to eradicate these issues but it has not been easy. Every time I think we have seen the last of the mouse droppings, more appear. I am cleaning when I can but some days I am paralyzed with fear.

My partner has put up with my OCD for years and it has taken a huge toll on our relationship. He understands that these house issues would be bothersome to anyone, regardless of the OCD, but still he can only take so much. For example, everything that's black and small and could potentially be mouse droppings freaks me out. I will ask him "what's this?" or "can you help me with this?" I'm constantly finding everything "contaminated" and I wash my hands 40 plus times a day. It is exhausting for both me and him. Even if we did not have all these issues with the house my OCD would be running the show because it chooses things to focus on at all times. Let's say I lived in a brand new house with no issues, my OCD would find a way to make itself known. And it has done so in every place we have lived!

I'm tired and frustrated and most days end in a feeling of hopelessness that consumes me. I just want to be at peace. I have this picture in my head of what that looks like, I often try and go there when I meditate. This feeling of peace has not been attainable for me and I am losing hope of leading a happy and successful life. I want to give the world the best version of me. I want it for me, for my boyfriend, my family... I just don't know how to get there. Thank you for reading this and I hope to find people that can relate.

[MothFir]

Hello and welcome. I hate talking about my issues as well but my OCD got worse last fall and I finally decided to connect on this forum and start therapy (after having various OCD themes for over 35 years).

My recent fears are a lot like yours (I won't go into detail so as not to give you something else to think about) and we also live in an older house with a basement a little like the one in "Silence of the Lambs." We've had only a couple mice lately, but also mold, ants, and roaches that we are battling. With our reduced driving, I have found mouse droppings in our cars. Also I work in a lab that has had greatly reduced human presence due to COVID and has developed a mouse problem. It often feels like they are following me around.

Anyhow, the usual treatment for this type of thing is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), which you should try if you never have. It's probably easiest with a therapist to guide you but you can do it on your own with self-help books (one I recommend is "Stop Obsessing!" by Reid Wilson and Edna Foa) or online. The basic idea is that you expose yourself to the "contamination" without doing your compulsions, but the ERP process is a little more complex than that. It is structured so you gradually learn to tolerate the anxiety that comes when you don't do your compulsions. Your boyfriend could probably help with the process (for example, encouraging you as you clean up after the mice in a hygenic but non-OCD way, pointing out when you begin to get 'stuck,' etc).

You also might consider medication. I've taken an SSRI for twenty years without side effects and it takes some of the edge off. If you have trouble starting therapy, medication can make it easier.

You are right to think that if you moved into a 'clean' house your OCD would just find something else to worry about. It's best to learn techniques that will help you identify and tolerate the anxiety it gives you, regardless of the content.

Finally, I also meditate and am a big believer in it, but it's never done much for my OCD. The meds and structured therapy have helped the most. Good luck - you will get to a much better place (mentally!)

[LuvSun]

Welcome! Thanks for sharing your story. I can tell you that you are not alone in what you are dealing with. I for one can totally relate to what you have written. I have contamination OCD and can feel your pain when you mention the mouse droppings. I live in a brand new house in the country but we had some mice get into our basement. Finding the droppings freaked me out as well. Also it is true what you said about still having OCD issues even if you lived in a newer place. It always finds something to make you worry about. Hopefully you can find some treatment or therapy. I have been helped by reading a lot of books on OCD and I also take some medication. Always feel free to post on this site- we are all in this together.

[Hidden]

I would like to welcome you to the OCD Support Network.

We are here to help and give hope to each other.

We are here in this together.

I wish you good health.

[Mabelocd]

Most certainly I relate. I also have had OCD since the age of 5. I am in my late 50s now. It can be hard for those of us who have had OCD virtually all our lives to picture life without it.

I know I have improved over the years. I am thankful I didn't have to stay as bad as I was in younger days. I have never lived anywhere nor had the money for proper treatment. I worked on ERP on my own from books. My wife assisted me. She was happy to help me get better instead of endlessly reassuring me. I know I would be a lot better with professional help, but we have to do what we can.

I have accomplished a few things and loved a lot. I don't regret my life in spite of the pain of OCD. Hang in there. I will pray for you.