New to this group. I have had OCD since I was about 6 years old. Looking to connect to some people that have been diagnosed with OCD of Scrupulosity and also of Harming others. Only about 6 months ago I was told this is what I actually have. Never heard of it until then.
OCD Scrupulosity: New to this group. I have... - My OCD Community
OCD Scrupulosity
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3BirdLover
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Hello. I've dealt with ocd for about 30 years now...many themes. Scrupulosity being one of them. Here to help!
What type of things do you struggle with? Intrusive thoughts? perfectionism? more? I am always interested to learning more about this.
Welcome to this support group. I have scrupulosity and several other forms of ocd.
It doesn't matter what faith you practice. OCD can latch on to your faith.
I haven't been to church in over a year, I struggle reading the bible. I feel like everything applies to me and I'm at fault for a lot of things.
The only thing that I can do sometimes is pray.
I'm here for support if you need it.
Yes, I totally understand. Hope you read the note I sent to cambridgeborn. I pray daily or strength, comfort and peace. I went through a couple of years of religious intrusive thoughts (2017 being the worse). For someone that has OCD of scrupulosity, this was the worst that I ever experienced. I had HORRENDOUS thoughts that were totally against the way I really feel about God and my faith. How could I ever possibly EVER let thoughts like this come in? Of course, the more I obsessed about it, the more the thoughts occurred. My hair started failing out a little bit, I was very upset, and some other symptoms appeared. I prayed and prayed. I DID go to church...I just HAD TO...not because of compulsion, but because I truly believed that I needed to be there, to experience Holy Communion, and ask for help. During this time, in addition to having OCD, my husband and I agreed that Satan was really attacking me....I could not think clearly, I HAD to "confess" bad thoughts to my husband (even talked to my pastor) although I knew in my head that it was not me at all. I felt it wass totally ridiculous but I couldn't shake it off. Now I'm on the right meds (Trintellix) and everything has settled down. The thoughts are no more (praise God). I believe God has brought me through this horrible time and that HE totally understood it wasn't ME. Talk about guilt!!!! Maybe I can help someone else.... 
Ugh! I sent you a reply but later didnt see it so I think I hit "cancel" and not "reply" First I wonder why they put the 2 buttons beside each other. It made the mistake too easy for me that dont wear my usual reading glasses. I'm 55.
Anyways, here it goes again. I had a rough childhood growing up. My dad was very strict. Psycho strict! Some things were allowed and "many" were not. He also sexually molested me. At 18 I had enough of the molestation and the strict rules so I left home.
A couple years later I gave my heart to Jesus and became a christian. Then we started attending strict churches. I had ocd as far back as a young child but, in hindsight now I see my ocd latched on to my faith when I became a christian.
In 1997 I had a severe bout with depression and it elevated my ocd to a new level and I was finally diagnosed with ocd.
After years of being on meds (too many to name) and that never helped. Therapy that helped at one time but really became unbearable to handle this time, my husband and I sought out surgery. So on March 5th of this year I had (dbs) deep brain stimulation surgery. They implanted electrodes in my brain and a battery pack in the upper left side of my chest. This whole device is suppose to calm the overactive area of my brain.
The neurosurgeon and psychiatrist said though it could take weeks or months to see results. I have only seen little results. My husband believes I need to get back into therapy via zoom or skype with the therapist that was with the whole medical team down in houston. He believes I need to have erp therapy ( exposure response therapy) it is what works best with ocd.
I do believe I started spiraling out of control in 2019 after being attacked by the enemy as well. He started bringing up different sins of mine. I turned to my husband for reassurance and before long his reassurances were not helping me.
So right now I am hoping this device will give me the help I need and if I have to get into therapy I will try again.
We prayed with countless others about the surgery and saw the Lords provision to have the surgery.
I am still waiting on the Lord to bring me out of this completely! I hope I can help someone down the road!
This is my testimony!
God bless and thank you for sharing yours with me!
MrsMapDog
You have really been through it. I want to send you a private message as soon as I figure how how Hopefully later today I will do that. I'm inspired by your faith!
Ok. Believe me my faith hasnt been strong. This has really shaken my faith.
I can relate you also!
Hello, I, too, have struggled with scrupulosity since childhood; the OCD latched onto some of my Catholic faith practices, particularly confession. I became convinced, even as a child and teen, that my nature was inherently sinful and that I could never scrub my soul clean enough by going to confession. I would sometimes go back on the same day to confess further.
The OCD/scrupulosity particularly latched on to my sexuality as a teen. I believed that every thought, feeling, action, etc of a sexual nature was a mortal sin and would condemn me to hell. It was a dreadful way to think. In some ways I blame the clergy and teachers of the 1960's for perpetuating this propaganda. It was a control tactic for the church in order to keep youngsters chaste and out of trouble. But, for me, it was a disaster and I became terribly ill and distressed when I had my first real boyfriend at 17. I had a breakdown at that time and the OCD morphed into other themes, specifically HOCD (homosexual OCD) in which I thought God would punish me by "making me into a lesbian"!
I absolutely couldn't tell anyone about this in 1967/68 because mental illness was never discussed and it was feared as a family scandal. (I discovered much later that my own Irish family members back in Ireland had mental illness and were institutionalized and hidden away; it was the 'family secret'.) That toxic brew of fear, ignorance, illness and shame shaped my life's path for decades until I finally got some help and a diagnosis.
Thank God, young people don't have to suffer in silence in anymore. There are so many enlightened therapists now and online resources and books that offer information and support. I heartily advise you to avail yourself of as many resources as you can. This forum is a good place to start. Good luck.
PS: Don't let Church officials bully you! They are misinformed and do not have your best interests at heart.
cambridgeborn - Thank you for your story. I can absolutely relate to you....I grew up in the Catholic church, and it was made so important about confession that I literally made myself sick when I needed to go there. I would make up sins (just in case), and would say that I did thing a "thousand times" just to cover myself. It was tormenting. Please understand that I do not mean to preach here, but I HAVE to say that when I was 24 years old and met my husband, a Lutheran, he explained the whole thing to me concerning what Jesus did for me....he completed covered all my sins by dying on the cross. This was never mentioned to me as a child in the church. When this finally sunk in, and the light bulb went off, it was confirmed by reading this in the Bible, and I was finally free. Doesn't mean that I don't sin anymore (I do) but I'm continually covered.... it also doesn't mean that this problem doesn't crop up anymore, but I have to keep telling myself this all the time, as well as praying and reading Scripture. Once ingrained into our heads, I feel we were brainwashed at an early age and we will continue to have this. I tend to expect alot of myself... I need to be re-assured often (which I really don't like that this is the case) but it is not like when I was young. My salvation doesn't have anything to do with anything I CAN DO, but solely what Christ has done for ME. I hope you also are now understanding this.... if you do not understand this, please talk to a Christian person who can help.
---- I know better but still struggle.
Religious instruction does not help me with my OCD/scrupulosity concerns; in fact, it is quite harmful to me (and perhaps others as well). I trust you will find relief within this forum for your OCD.
Hey, there! I’m with you. How are you doing?
I would like to welcome you to the OCD Support Network.
We are here to offer help and support to each other.
We are in this together.
I have OCD and morality issues.
I suffer a lot from different fixations, revolving the theme of morality.
It is very difficult for me.
3BirdLover in reply to
What type of morality issues? (if you feel like sharing...)
in reply to 3BirdLover
The morality issues involve around if I have hurt others peoples feelings. ?
Did I say a lie ?
Did I made anybody look bad by sharing incorrect information ?
Was I being dishonest ?
OCD will try to focus on these themes in various obsessions and compulsions.
OCD finds its own ways to get into the morality issues.
I struggle with it on a daily basis.
3BirdLover in reply to
OH yes.... I hear you! Honesty is a huge one for me. Did I tell the COMPLETE truth.... I will go into such detail, etc. If I think I didn't, and maybe they walked away with a wrong idea, sometimes I have to go back to the person and finish trying to convince them of what I meant until I finally can breathe again. It's so annoying. It's so annoying when I involve others in my obsessions/compulsions.
Hi and welcome. Religious obsessions were a big problem for me for decades. My family was not very religious but I began reading the Bible when I was a kid. I didn't have any context or guidance, and I ended up with a complex and exhausting system of rules about what I could and couldn't do. They often were exaggerations of otherwise good moral guides. For example, if someone happened to mention a food and I casually said, "Oh, I'd never eat that," it was as if I'd sworn a holy oath to never eat it. Even if I wanted to try it years later I'd still have the ingrained rule that I couldn't eat it, or else I would be a liar, and lying was bad. There were probably hundreds of such rules and life became like walking a minefield.
At some point I finally understood the concept of grace, and that a relationship with God was not about following a bunch of trivial made-up rules. This gave me the strength to start 'disobeying' them, which I suppose was a type of cognitive behavioral therapy. Now I still get the thoughts and the feelings of guilt over inconsequential things, but I have a much easier time ignoring them and moving on.
I'm glad you've had success in battling your own OCD.
You touched on a topic that I have struggled with for over 30 years myself with my OCD. I too would make these “rules” that I felt could not be broken and I had to obey or else I felt God would punish me somehow by taking away something good in my life. I still have these thoughts but have learned to slowly challenge them and realize that I don’t have any super powers and that God is not a punishing God. ( I would sometimes think that I had made these promises or rules to God). Being on this Forum has helped me a lot and also doing as much reading as I can. It’s been a real comfort to be able to “connect” to others. Thank you to all of you who suffer with this disorder.
Yes, I have had the fear that I made some kind of deal with God (but of course didn't). You are right....God is a good God, a loving Father. I even had thoughts that maybe I was responsible for someone else going to hell.....could be a thought that was powerful enough to do it? An intrusive thought that was horrendous???!!! It was tormenting. When I was a kid and had these types of things happen, I could not help but blurt the fears out to my mom at a time when it was not bearable. I will forever remember what she said to me..... "(my name), you are not that powerful!!!" She was so right. God is more powerful than any of us. He loves us....
MothFir....so glad you have learned what Grace is!!!! That is the whole thing. We will still have these thoughts come to mind, but it's so good that you are challenging them. I've had the same things in my life. The Bible is a great thing to read, however I do think we need some guidance to understand...... 
I'm a poster child for scrupulosity OCD, and I also have harm OCD as well. I'm curious what kinds of thoughts does it make you have, if you don't mind sharing? I've never actually known anyone else who has this problem, and it's a relief to see that I'm not alone!
Oh wow.....how long do you have????
Did I do the right thing? What if I didn't?
Did I run into that guy walking down the street as I went by? I didn't really hear anything, but I just know I hit him. Maybe I should go back and check? (so I go around the block and come back....) Nope...there he is...I didn't hit him! Oh, but maybe I did! I'd better go check again. I'd better get out of the car and watch him walking....this goes on until I have maybe convinced myself that he's still walking...it's ok. Relief (maybe).
What if that chocolate cake that I made have my germs in it? Well, what about if glass somehow got into the cake? Can I serve it to my visitors?????!!!! Oh, gee, I don't know (while I look through the gooey dough searching for any evidence of glass). I don't see any, but how can I be sure???? I'm not sure...what should I do? Sometimes I would have to dump out the cake batter, go back to the store crying, and buy another mix and start all over...this time, washing hands, scrubbing down the counter and being SUPER careful. Maybe this time it would be ok.
During this crisis, fear of what if I go to the grocery store and touch something....maybe I have the virus and now all these people are going to get sick and it's my fault. I'll never know if it happened or not!!! (I realize that this is a very real thing for alot of us during this crisis).
I went to the emergency room one night (really happened) because of problems I was having. I wore a face mask. I keep watching the news to see and hear once more what the symptoms are for Corona weighing it all in my head which I've done dozens of times already, only to come back to the idea of it's my fault...people will be sick...people are dying because of me. I'll never know. Probably I wasn't passing anything along, but maybe I did!!!! Did I have those symptoms....no, but maybe there is more symptoms....
I went through a stage where I HAD to write down in a book every impure thought, every time I MIGHT have done something wrong....if I don't, then maybe I will forget something when I go to Confession....if I forget something, my sin won't be forgiven and I'm going to hell. (Tough on a kid)
There are more..... these are a few. What about you?
Mine are usually more religion/spiritual oriented. I used to have blasphemous intrusive thoughts because I was afraid of committing the unpardonable sin. My fear of committing a sin that God can't forgive actually lasted so long, I have some post-traumatic stress from it and now am terrified of doing something someone else can't forgive. I worry that I will sexually assault someone, gossip about someone and get found out, say something really hurtful to someone, or do something else that will make a person so traumatized and/or hurt, they won't be able to forgive me-thus, the harm OCD. I still have flashbacks and emotions about the time when I worried about God not being able to forgive me. Sometimes it also manifests as, "Do I owe my mom an apology for anything? Have I done anything to hurt her?" I also sometimes worry about how forgiving I am. Have I really forgiven so-and-so? I think I'm not angry at them anymore, but maybe I really am, and I'm just burying feelings of anger. Maybe I'm really unforgiving and hateful at my core. The harm OCD, for me, is mainly this constant worry that I will hurt someone to such a degree that they will be unable to forgive me. It sucks!
I sent you a private message...
i have equal thoughts.. the car, the glass Problem.. but also the religous theme has paired up with harm.. what if my handwriting is not 100% accurate, what if i put something in the wrong order? than someome i love cant go to heaven because my handwriting was not exact or some items at my home are not in the proper order.
I definitely hear you tk84! Been there too. My mother told me something when I was young that I will never forget...after telling her things like you described, she said "(my name...) YOU are NOT that powerful!!!!" And she is absolutely right. God's power is SO much more powerful than we are....nothing we can do or not do will be able to beat God's power!!! You too, tk84, are NOT THAT POWERFUL!
I, as you, don't understand why we do this to ourselves. I don't understand why we take this to the biggest extent that we can, ....making ourselves responsible like this. This would be an excellent question for the doctors, and for the webinars that they have on Saturdays (or other ones....not sure when they hold all of them).
But, even though we don't understand it, we do have to know again, that we cannot control another's destiny to heaven in any of those ways....we are NOT THAT POWERFUL!!! God is all in all! He knows we are suffering with this junk.
Personally, I just have to keep praying. Mine like this still pop up sometimes, but it has calmed down alot. I don't know where you are in your religious beliefs, but I do know that Satan loves to torment us. He will not win. No way!!! I "kick him to the curb" many times when he gets in my head.
Did this help you a little? I pray you will find peace and comfort knowing how much God cares for you ! <heart>
I have scrupulosity too. Tell me more about the harming others piece. Is that you are afraid of hurting others? If so, I can relate.
3BirdLover in reply to
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