My OCD, Anxiety, and Panic.

[OCDBass]

Hello everyone. I’m new to the community, but have been having a really tough time since October of 2018. I guess I can give some background.

I was diagnosed with OCD/Anxiety/Depression when I was 14. Back then, I did a lot of hand washing, checking, organizing, and had intrusive thoughts about bad things happing to those I love. However, I can remember being younger that that, probably about 10-12, and having these dreadful fears of the end of the world. I remember one time at church, I had to leave because I was crying so badly as they discussed the end of days. It wasn’t until I saw an episode of Oprah about OCD that I realized I too had OCD and needed to get some help. So, I spoke to my parents, did some testing, and was put on some Zoloft in combination with some therapy. I have don’t exposure therapy and CBT. Both worked pretty well for me. Into my 20’s I actually came off all medication due to learning enough about how to handle my OCD with the therapy I had.

Now, fast forward 18 years. I’m in my late 30’s now and I have really bad rheumatoid arthritis as well as some neurological pain in my face that has been very tough to treat. My neurologist recommends the possibility of using marijuana once it is legalized in my area. Low and behold, in late 2018 it becomes legal, so I get my authorization to obtain the product from the medical marijuana dispensary. Worst. Idea. Ever.

Upon nearing with the pharmacist, I was asked a battery of question so they could prescribe the right strains of marijuana for my RA and neurological issues. One of those questions was if you have any mental illness. I obviously told them that I have anxiety and OCD. They said that’s not a problem and they actually had some products that might be able to help my mental illness as well, but there were also products that I needed to stay away from. No problem right?

Well, the pharmacist I worked with really messed up. She gave me a pen that was 100% THC. Anyone with an anxiety based condition is never to be prescribed this. I was told it would help me sleep. So, I tried it in October of 2018. One puff. About 30 minutes later, I felt very light and floaty. Then started to feel like I had no control over my own body. With that I started to panic. My throat felt like it was closing up and my tongue was swelling. I was shaking, sweating, and had burning and tingling on the back of my head, mouth, hands, feet, buttocks, and groin. I was into a full blown panic attack. Which I had never had before, but I was convinced I was dying. I just kept asking my wife to call 911, but she noticed that it was just a panic attack and was able to keep me calm. During this attack, my OCD flared up and I had some of the worst intrusive thoughts I have ever had as well.

In the days after, I felt awful. Like bricks just sitting on my chest and sort of separated from reality. The worst part was that the intrusive thoughts did not go away. I went to the ER a couple times and they finally put me inpatient for 7 days. I got back on meds and started an outpatient program. I was on 10mg Lexapro and finally started to feel myself again around Christmas time. However, in early February I was feeling pretty good and stopped my medication.

On March 2, I woke up and had a relatively normal morning. Then out of no where I felt sort of consumed by depression and sadness. I was crying and just didn’t feel right. A few days later, the awful intrusive thoughts came back too and I ended up in the ER again. I went back into the outpatient program, started individual therapy, and have been put back on the Lexapro. I stared at 20mg a day, but a couple weeks ago, just as I was feel a little better, I had a panic attack out of nowhere. I was with my wife in the car and I felt my throat tighten up and all the burning sensations again. I was able to real it in with all the mindfulness techniques I have learned, but since then I just have this lump in my throat and pressure on my chest. I also afraid to go out and doing things. I also have trouble showering, it’s like my body knows that showering is a sign that it’s time to move around and go out, so I get very nervous and anxious. It’s been awful. They have upped my Lexapro to 30mg now too and I use Ativan as needed to help me though my day.

So that’s my story. I’m still struggling quite a bit, but I try really hard not to give up hope and use all the tools that I have learned in my programs to keep me grounded. I just needed to share my story with people who would understand. Thanks for listening.

[HannahMae]

I'm so sorry to hear that! I have OCD as well and it has been a real struggle. I can't imagine having it as long as you have and I really commend you for hanging in there! Don't give up because things WILL get better. Have you tried seeing a therapist for OCD and anxiety? I know for me I wouldn't be at the place I am without getting help from a therapist. I remember she told me once that it doesn't matter how long you've had OCD, you can still get better. That's why I know you will. OCD is such an awful bully and you are not alone. You will get relief, and be proud of yourself for hanging in there so long!

Don't give up!

-Hannah

[Shutterislandnel]

Hi OCDBass

You are such a brave strong person, battling through this terrible time. Please keep telling yourself that you will beat this as you have before and every huge anxiety attack always seem to feel like the worst 1 ever. I hope writing this post and getting how you're feeling off your chest has helped ease your suffering in some way x sending you a big tight hug from the uk

[DK1347]

I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle, but please don't give up. As in the past you have gotten better and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better again too.

I am also glad you shared your story, it helps to talk things over with caring folks and you will find them here.

I can relate to some to your experience; back in my teen age years I became withdrawn and developed a fear of being closed in... like if the teacher would have me sit in the middle of the classroom instead of me choosing a seat in the back near the door. It made my school years very miserable; I was a fairly good student but my nerves were shot and in class my guts would growl and I'd get diarrhea a lot. I didn't know what it was and was ashamed to talk to my parents about it. I had friends but was afraid to get serious with girls because I felt I was kinda crazy. This carried over into my working years, I enjoyed my job but whenever the boss called the group together for a meeting I would find a way to escape going; I ended up leaving a great job after 5 years because of it. Along the way i found out about a group of people who got together to talk about similar problems and it was called an 'anxiety disorder' , agoraphobia. I had finally found out a name for what was tormenting me but most importantly I was not alone, what a relief. I found that a doctor could prescribe a medication to help; Xanax, or alprazolam. With a small dose of Xanax I was able to go back to work and function somewhat normally. Well after nearly 30 years of Xanax my doc had tried me on other stuff but nothing worked as well as Xanax or would have awful side effects, but he finally refused to refill my prescription. I had to do a whole lot of searching for natural stuff to help and I found a couple books that explained a combination of things that could help most of the time.

Well, fast forward to now, I'm 67, the past few years I've lost friends and family; folks who were my best friends and biggest support and now is the prostate cancer that came back after failed surgery; another challenge. I still have faith that things will work out, and most days it's a struggle to stay positive but I try to keep as busy as possible so my mind doesn't dwell on the bad things. Somehow we will make it thru our challenges, and I know you will too.

Please hold on and tell your wife that you love her every chance you get and the both of you will make it thru.

Duane