History: My wife was a happy, well-functioning retired medical professional married mother of 3. I'm her husband. We decided to move from a rural town to near the beach, her dream. We had difficulty finding a home, the market was difficult, she turned down several houses blamed herself, was hospitalized for severe depression, and diagnosed with obsessive compuulsive personality.
Dealing with talk Sometimes she will say I want to go back, I want to go back, meaning she wants to change her decisions and will unceasingly go over her history, instead of reviewing what she can do now. Her unceasing preoccupation with the past can be annoying to many even therapists.
She had a small fungus infection, took some medication but not as prescribed, and now thinks the fungus has spread throughout her body and to her brain. Medical people say if that happened if would be apparent on bloodwork, and she would be hospitalized. Instead she's normal except for the depression and OCD.
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Bobby5000
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What a tough situation! Really hard, for both of you. I hope you're taking care of yourself as well as her--getting sleep, eating, exercising, talking to friends. Sending hugs.
Hello. I'm sorry your wife is having a difficult time right now. Does your wife have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) or Obsessives Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)? The difference is people with OCPD get satisfaction with their obsessiveness while people with OCD are very distressed by their thoughts and compulsions. From what you're describing it sounds like she has OCD and not OCPD since she is struggling with thoughts of contamination (the fungal infections) and maybe regret OCD (wishes she could go back).
The hard thing to come to terms with when dealing with OCD, is that it is not a thinking problem; it is a feeling problem. The context of the thoughts don't matter. It's the associated feeling that makes them so difficult. If we didn't care about the thoughts they wouldn't bother us! The good news is that there are good medicines and therapies that can help. Things started to change for me when I was just honest with my doctor. He prescribed some medicine and I asked him to refer me to a therapist. It took some time, but I am in a lot better place than I was.
I don't know if this will help, but a while ago I put together a post for people just starting out with their OCD journey. Maybe it will give you and your wife some insight: healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...
I'm really sorry you and your wife are dealing with this. I know how horrible OCD can be first hand. However, there is hope and it is possible to live a fulfilling life with OCD. I truly hope you and your wife find the peace you deserve. God Bless.
Impressive analysis, working to digest it all. My wife has been reluctant to take medication and largely noncompliant when she does. She was on Lexipro but just discontinued it and seems to getting worse. Her psychiatrist has recommended Luvox but my wife doesn't seem to want to take it. Meanwhile before bed, she asks who are these people and is scared at cars on the street, and tells me it's the infection. What do you do if someone has obvious signs of OCD but doesn't want to take medicine to address OCD.
So I don't have a lot of experience with dealing with a loved one with OCD, but I can tell you that I credit my wife with helping me get treatment. It's because of her that I went to a doctor and a therapist. I was also VERY scared of starting medicine. It didn't help that the meds often increased the anxiety and OCD for the first few weeks. I actually asked the doctor to prescribe something to help me calm down. After the first few weeks I was like 80% there, but it took about 2 months for them to fully kick in. It was an incredibly hard time.There's a saying in therapy that 90% of the cure is complete when the patient first enters the therapists door. It means they've worked up the courage to challenge their problems. I realized that I had to get help since I realized that this wasn't only affecting me, but my wife and friends as well. I owed it to them to try and get better. Maybe you could appeal to that? One of the problems with mental health issues in general is that you'll take the hell you know over the one you don't.
Also, for a long time I didn't know what was wrong with me. OCD can trick you and make you think that you're themes are different or unique; that they're even sensible. This is not true though. It's you're brain trying to make sense of a chemical imbalance, that's all. Unfortunately all the attention you give the thoughts only strengthens them.
One last thing. When I started looking into OCD and reading what people suffering with it said, it was like looking into a mirror. I understood what they were feeling and thinking. It made me realize that I had the same problem. Would she ever read testimonials from people with OCD? It might help her understand that help is available. There are a lot of these (and other tools and resources) on this website.
Sorry if I rambled. I hope that this can help you some. God bless
When a Family Member has OCD by Jon Hershfield is a highly recommended book. Jon Hershfield is a well known OCD therapist and has written several books.
First have to ask the obvious, You are a tremendously bright person with a very impressive insight into this area. Isn't understanding half the battle. Compulsive gamblers don't say, almost all gamblers lose and most who persist will cause substantial damage to their job, family and health; instead they say, I know how to play, got this under control and their inability to grasp their own situation is a large part of the problem. So I'm just wondering if you have or will have this beat. But selfishly on to my issues and wondering how you'd approach these things.
1. Good therapy session what next. ".There's a saying in therapy that 90% of the cure is complete when the patient first enters the therapists door. I'd say 90% comes when the patient acknowledge her problem and commits to doing the work for a cure. My wife has gone to therapist, but will sometimes switch to physical issues and other times fail to follow through with their recommendations.
My wife had a good session today. She took some notes (a little unusual) and somewhat committed to being busy. Her sister has I think OCD too (her mother also) but sis seems to do a lot better now that she's working. If you work a demanding day, even your OCD mind gets tired. But how do I keep the momentum. Historically she was a tremendous compliant person, did what was asked through cancer, but follow is very difficult. Do I work on a list with her, check, nag. She talks to our sons and they are quite frustrated with seemingly reaching agreement on things to do which do not get done.
2. Ice cream and eating We had a stop, she seemed to be in a good mood and went to the store. She got some ice cream fine, but then she started eating and eating. Fine, some ice cream is okay. She was finishing off 1/2 a carton in the car and I asked her to stop and we argued. I tried to hide it. Over at her sister's one day, sis chastized me for trying to manage her food but then smiled when she found out my wife ate 2 containers of ice cream that had been purchased for the week. Whatever it is, she's eat a 1/2 pound of cheese, cream cheese. Historically she had a balanced diet, good nutrition.
And I'm not a weight freak. She gained some weight (around 50lbs) she was happy, walking, smiling, things were good and said very little, but this compulsive eating seems dysfunctional.
3. Stores I wanted to get some outdoor furniture and happened to see a store. I said can you come in, but somehow her self-image prevented her from going in or she just wouldn't even though I just asked for 10 minutes so she can find something she liked. I have family members telling me to get furniture, but she won't select anything but complained that she has a house she doesn't like (picked because she could not select anything in 2 years).
Hi Bobby5000. What you are going through w/ your wife seems very hard and I'm sure frustrating for you.
I would also say your wife does have OCD from the behaviors you have described. Things are being done in excess, and your wife is going from 1 thing to another especially with the food, which you say never happened before.
One thing starts, maybe in slight excess, then that becomes more of an issue w/ the slightly excessive part progressing to full-blown behavior in time.
It's better to try to get a hold of the problems now, so there will be a good chance of success before symptoms have a chance to become worse, which is a possibility.
Also, I have recently started Luvox, and although I am on a low dose, it does seem to help the OCD.
Good luck and I hope your wife sees good results soon!
Appreciate all the comments, any specific suggestions folks. I'm thinking of bringing in a vocational counselor to work on getting things done like they were before. We've gone through at least 4 therapists without measurable success.
Also what do you do when you see this thing coming on like today. She's working around in her nightgown worrying and not unexpectedly when a guy in a truck passes by, she says who is he, what's he doing here. I've suggested that take a walk but she doesn't want to do that.
It sounds like you've tried everything you can. It might be better to let the counselor evaluate/help her. Did you ever work w/ a vocational counselor?
Luvox is also recommended for my wife but she does not want to take it. She was doing a little better with Lexipro and needs medication but is strongly anti-drug despite being in the medical area.
Tough night. We're scheduled to go to a wedding and several family members are coming from out of town. My wife says she'd like to go to the rehearsal dinner but it wasn't clear is she was invited. It would be nice to to see them and I decide to asked the bride's mother if we could attend (maybe a little presumptious) and she said you're welcome to come. Spend the day packing, and around 3 asked if my wife was getting ready and about 15 followups. She seemed in a good mood, was talking with cousins, I started pushing so we wouldn't be late, but no movement. I'm getting a little louder and more assertive, but nothing.
We're now scheduled to be an hour late, but little is being done and she asked to go the next day. I'm really mad, because I went out of the way to ask the bride's mother, have a hotel room, we wanted to go and as usual anxiety is running the show, and she's lying about getting ready. She suggests she'll try and again the next 1- 2 hours is wasted trying to get her to pack and get dressed. I'm mad and say the obvious, Anxiety Jenny is running the show, the same Anxiety that caused her to lose her house and spend the next year in small room at family and friends instead of relaxing in a nice home by the beach. At least be honest enough to say yes anxiety runs the show, my husband is a far second.
After some loud discussion, we have a reasonably good talk. I tell her she's going to have stop lying to me (people in another group condemned my use of that word but I don't know another word to describe saying something that's not true). I realize anxiety is a tough challenge but she's going to have to be stronger and work to overcome it.
Does it seem like her anxiety spikes or happens when there is an expectation she has to confront? The rehearsal dinner (even if she's the one who wanted to go), therapy appts, getting ready in general for something.
I read another post you wrote that said your wife is fine w/ her friends, just having fun, not showing as many signs of OCD? (I think you had said that ??).
Does she only have more anxiety when she has to be somewhere instead of wanting to be somewhere?
Someone wrote to me, "You are literally enabling her behavior. No different than enabling an alcoholic or druggie. Tough love is not pandering to her." There was a change.
1. Initial problems at the Rehearsal Dinner
Again we weren't sure we were invited to the rehearsal dinner and I boldly wrote the bride's mother who graciously invited us. Then the usual, I start suggesting she dress 3 hours before, requests for 5 or 10 minutes, delays and stress, and then she suggests we don't go. I'm mad, my friends here have seen the script.
2. We go to the wedding, anxiety is no longer in control
Now its the wedding day, she's supposed to be ready in the morning but the same routine and now is 11:30, nothing has been done, is and we have to get to the hotel and shuttle. I tell her I'm stressed I need to get away, I am going out at 12:15 and will leave for the wedding at 1, no, no, no she retorts, yes, you don't want to go. This time its different. She's ready at 12:50, I have to rush and scramble but leave, and she's now stressed we'll be late. We get to the hotel, she gets dressed.
She seems to have a wonderful time. I saw her smiling for one of the first time in months, she's happy to see cousins, other family, see a wonderful wedding.
A group of ladies with a few men are dancing for it seems like a an hour and a half, Family member join in my knee bothers me a little so I bow out after say 5 dances. The ceremony was so nice, and the wedding beautiful. We then go to an afterparty and have a great time for another 2 hours getting home at around 1;30. . We get an Uber, it seems to be going the wrong away, and Anxiety who feels it's been neglected the whole night chimes in, we're going the wrong way I know it, but its just a different way.
We wake up surprisingly early and go to a nice post-wedding breakfast. She knows she accomplishes something, had a nice time, feet could not have been a real problem if you dance for an hour and a half but I know anxiety will want to chime in and cause a problem.
I will likely be working to go to things alone as staying and catering to anxiety has hurt us both.
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