When will it stop hurting

[Cockapoomad]

Hi guys,

I’m new here and I’ve spent the last year probably desperately trying to find a community where others understand. I have a good supportive circle but I struggle with knowing that the people I’m talking to will never truly know how I’m feeling.

I was told around 5 years ago it would be very unlikely I would be able to conceive naturally. After years of consideration of the different options and continued trying ‘just in case’ we made the decision that it’s not happening naturally and the impact of the constant buying pregnancy tests and getting excited hurt too much. This was outweighing any type of excitement I could even allow myself to feel. We also agreed that I didn’t want to put my body through some of the options we were being offered and therefore we agreed to move on and live our lives childless. Now my partner has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship and knowing I’m never going to have that connection with my partner but he’s experienced it with someone else does sting a bit! I’m in my late 20’s and a lot of people around me are pregnant/having babies and I am happy for them but I can’t describe the empty pit I feel in my stomach each time. We’ve made plans for our lives now that honestly a child wouldn’t fit into but just because I’ve accepted the cards I’ve been dealt doesn’t mean I’m not sad about the cards I’ve had to deal with. I am so so sad. I’m sad for me, I’m sad for younger me who dreamt of children, I’m sad for my partner and me not experiencing this together. I’m sad for my family who I can see feel sad for me. I’m sad for everyone around me who I struggle to show my happiness for each time they announce their expecting. It feels like grief, I feel like I’m constantly mourning the life I thought I would have.

I’m not sure what to expect from this post but I guess even if one person understands then it may help me feel less alone.

[CatLover2000]

I have found that being involuntarily childless is lonely as well, especially for those of us who are younger.

I'm only in my early 20s (and have known for quite a while that I can't ever get pregnant), but quite a few friends from school are beginning to announce pregnancies and have one (or more!) babies. I personally mute them on social media and distance myself from them a little bit. I know it's kind of harsh, but I feel that I need to put myself and my own mental health first. I'm sure they will have plenty of friends and family cheering them on as well.

Some days, the pain feels really bad, but I try to hold back tears until I get home. But other days I just feel a little bit sad. Sometimes the pain is triggered by news about someone having a baby. I don't tend to share the news of my infertility so people don't realise that it could be painful. Often, I'm quite tired when I get upset as well, whereas I tend to cope better when I'm well-rested.

I know you made this post nearly a month ago so I hope you're feeling a little bit better.

[Cockapoomad in reply to CatLover2000]

I agree!!! I definitely go through phases where it doesn’t hurt as hard and other times it feels unbearable. I always find the constant pregnancy announcements difficult too and I’ve even made some lame excuses to skip friends baby showers…

I think that’s ok though and muting people is the same if that helps us. Sometimes we can be such huge people pleasers that we forget to please ourselves! I didn’t share my news for a few years from when I found out but once I had been with my partner for a couple years we got constant ‘when are you having babies’ questions that we ended up being quite open about it and have used the opportunity to educate people on what is appropriate in these types of situations. Again people just need to do what feels most comfortable for them! Look after yourself x