Hi guys,
I’m new here and I’ve spent the last year probably desperately trying to find a community where others understand. I have a good supportive circle but I struggle with knowing that the people I’m talking to will never truly know how I’m feeling.
I was told around 5 years ago it would be very unlikely I would be able to conceive naturally. After years of consideration of the different options and continued trying ‘just in case’ we made the decision that it’s not happening naturally and the impact of the constant buying pregnancy tests and getting excited hurt too much. This was outweighing any type of excitement I could even allow myself to feel. We also agreed that I didn’t want to put my body through some of the options we were being offered and therefore we agreed to move on and live our lives childless. Now my partner has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship and knowing I’m never going to have that connection with my partner but he’s experienced it with someone else does sting a bit! I’m in my late 20’s and a lot of people around me are pregnant/having babies and I am happy for them but I can’t describe the empty pit I feel in my stomach each time. We’ve made plans for our lives now that honestly a child wouldn’t fit into but just because I’ve accepted the cards I’ve been dealt doesn’t mean I’m not sad about the cards I’ve had to deal with. I am so so sad. I’m sad for me, I’m sad for younger me who dreamt of children, I’m sad for my partner and me not experiencing this together. I’m sad for my family who I can see feel sad for me. I’m sad for everyone around me who I struggle to show my happiness for each time they announce their expecting. It feels like grief, I feel like I’m constantly mourning the life I thought I would have.
I’m not sure what to expect from this post but I guess even if one person understands then it may help me feel less alone.
Feel complete despair :-(
