Feel left out

[Adayinthelife]

Hello, I'm new here and this is the first time I've sought out any sort of help. I guess i just want to share and if anyone has advice it would be gratefully received.

All of mine and my partner's siblings have kids and most of our friends do too. Over the years i have noticed we are left out, not invited to kids birthdays because we have no kids to bring for example.

This really hit home on Christmas day when the family gathered and all the kids opened their gifts together and me and partner were left up stairs and out of it becuase we would the adult gifts later and we could be part of that. It made me sad and disappointed, it was moment i realised i was now different and that set me a part from family.

No one meant to make me feel like this and there no intention to cruel. But i can't stop feeling sad about it. I don't feel I can discuss it with them.

Well that's my story of Christmas day. Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this is just nice to be noticed.

[IndieBlue]

I wanted to reply because I can really relate to this feeling of exclusion you describe. I have to be honest, reading this in the cold light of day, I can’t believe your family felt this was acceptable! And I really admire your ability to be able to see it from their perspective with the intention of no hurt meant on their part, when it must have been so painful for you. The only advice I can give is maybe be more kind to yourself. We had a Christmas away in a remote cottage in Scotland. It was good to not have to always be reminded of what we don’t have, and to try and focus on the family of two that we are, and will always be. It’s not selfish to put yourself first sometimes. Wishing you all the best for 2023.

[anonBristol]

Hi there Adayinthelife, just wanted to say I'm so sorry you had a painful Xmas day. As you say, your family probably just don't realise they are being hurtful. They may even be afraid that it would upset you to watch all their children opening presents.Maybe you can message whichever of them you feel closest to and explain that you'd like to be included in future, as it's important to you. You could ask them to tactfully engineer this so you don't feel like you're being critical of the others.

It'll never quite go away, even after I'd bawled my eyes out with my best friends they continued to say tactless things, or talk for ages about parenting while I sat in silence. But don't be afraid to let people know the best way to handle things for you. If they love you, they'll be glad to know rather than try and guess.

I hope you're surrounded by love this NYE, and that things will get easier for you in 2023. Sending a hug x

[Freedom_Unity_Love Volunteer]

Hello dear friend,

Thank you for sharing your feelings.... You talk about your partner being excluded too - are these feelings similarly shared by your them, or does they have a different view point? I understand how your thoughts around all of this are upsetting.

This year, I've been given the opportunity on several occasions, to be confronted with a situation that demands my truth, and to speak up for myself, - if I don't want my sense of self and mental health to be affected. It's not related to being childless, but all the same, it has required of me to say to someone close, what they no doubt preferred not to hear.

I came from a place of love, and said it was important for me to be honest, and to let them know how their actions were having an impact on my happiness. However, what I will say here, is that I do own what I am thinking and believing in the situation, and that it is not solely about the friend's lack of thought, or unconscious action.

What I have learned about situations that disturb the mind, is that, it is 'triggering' emotions and thoughts I have created about who I am, the world around me, what to expect of others etc. All of which, are generally untrue, if I care to question those beliefs.

It is your business of course, but in the same situation, I would talk to the family members about this, because to not do so, is only hurting you. Let's hope it was unintentional for you not to be called from downstairs to come and join in the fun; however, if they did make the decision to not call you downstairs, perhaps for fear of upsetting you both - then perhaps you want to set the record straight - whatever that is for you both.

Staying quiet about such things only works if you can not take it personally and do not feel the need to talk about it. Otherwise, there is either internal work to do, a conversation to be had, and generally both.

Whatever you decide, it will be right for you right now. I wish you all the very best for the year ahead. May you be happy, may you be well, may you be free from suffering.

[Freedom_Unity_Love Volunteer in reply to Freedom_Unity_Love]

Apologies for my poor editing - "shared by them, or do they...."

[Adayinthelife]

Hello, I wanted to say Thank You for your lovely comments and support. This is my first time I've told my story and sought some support and I really can't tell you want it means that you all took the time to respond. I am truly touched by this.

I have felt for a long time that my circumstances are a life sentence as they will never go away. While at the same time i know i am at the beginning of a journey of how to handle that fact and hope it will get better. Thank you for replying, thank you for your advice and thank you for this form. It really means the world.

Wishing you all at happy New Year.