Struggling to keep it together today

[Disco_Angel]

I am really struggling to hold my emotions today.

I am 40 and tried for a baby for so many years with my ex. I was not suitable for ivf as my bmi was too high and I tried so hard to get it down but did not manage we started and had nearly completed the adoption training when he came home one day and said he did not want to have children!!!!! Turns out he was cheating and we then divorced. I have met a beautiful man who has 3 children who are 13,16,17. I was honest from the outset that I had always wanted children and he was happy to try and that was 3 years ago. With no luck.

Today hit me out of the blue as it was his sons gcse results day and it just hit me I’m never going to get that proud mum feeling, that excitement those nerves. I did have a late miscarriage 8 years ago and I dream what it would be like now but it just makes the pain worse.

i can’t stop the feeing of being ‘pointless’ I am a midwife which makes the pain even more raw bringing so much joy to other families and it never being Me.

I used to feel like I had people around me who I could talk to but as time goes by they get pregnant and have children and I then feel myself drifting away from them.

Today has hit me hard and I actually found myself in the hospital chapel sobbing, it felt so good to just let some emotion out. I don’t often feel I can, I think it’s fear of what will happen if I do let go of some of those emotions. I could feel myself trying to push the emotions back down and get back on with things.

My partner is lovely and so supportive but I don’t want to put my emotions onto him when he has done everything to support me to get pregnant.

I have to find a way of being ok with this but it hurts so much. I hate the feeling of being so pointless. I give everything to work, I come home act and try and pretend and convince myself like I’m ok and then go back to work.

I don’t think I have been this honest and open in such a long time or even ever. I don’t even know what I’m expecting but I don’t often allow myself to let go a bit and today just seems to have hit harder.

Thank you for just letting me type this.

[Tranters]

I think it’s good to get it written down sometimes. To put it out on paper. I keep thinking I should be accepting of this situation by now but I’m not. I totally understand where you are coming from and feeling isolated from friends. When I first started TTc I used to talk to them about it all but as they all fell pregnant with their first, seconds I just drifted away. I feel like no one wants to hear the same old again. It’s leaves you feeling isolated but you’re not alone. It’s not easy being strong and remember to take the time you need to feel. It’s ok to cry and shout and screams at the world. Sending lots of love

[Freedom_Unity_Love Volunteer]

Hi, how are you feeling today? A few days have passed since you posted; how are you managing?I know what a challenge acceptance can be, when you want something so deeply, and yet it is not to be. Would you like to be able to be in a place of acceptance?

I wonder if finding a support group or even setting up one, so you can be amongst others that are feeling as you do, or perhaps joining a group that focuses on other aspects of life, such as something you enjoy doing, might give you outlets in which to express both sides of yourself. Meet-up has been a good place for me over the years, and I have found focusing on something else, that is important to me, and gives me a sense of accomplishment, gives meaning and purpose.

Right now my focus is on learning, so I can move in a new direction, its all consuming, and makes me feel good. I respect that may not be for you; however there is a space for you, where this doesn't hurt so much - healing is possible.

I worked with a Master Healer earlier this year, who neutralised so much of what I had been carrying around as emotional baggage. It has given me so much freedom, and I wish that for you too.

[Disco_Angel in reply to Freedom_Unity_Love]

Thank you so much for your reply’s. I think my partners child having his GCSE results really triggered me and i was not expecting it.

I do feel I need to do something to work on trying to find some form of comfort as I know there is going to be more pain ahead with my sister in law trying for a baby and friends.

I feel like I spent so much time putting things on hold for trying for a baby it’s hard not to get angry now and upset.

In my job it’s hard as I deal with a lot of families who sadly have lost a baby or going through ivf. So it’s hard to feel able to go to a support group as I would find it hard to be truly open if I had people who I had looked after there. But maybe one a bit further afield would be ok. I keep thinking about a counselling but it’s so expensive.

I would be interested to know more about a master healer and how that works.

Thank you for listening and being around.

X

[Freedom_Unity_Love Volunteer in reply to Disco_Angel]

Hi, it's understandable that you are going to feel triggered by events, and of course being surrounded by loss in your job every day. I'm going to ask the question that perhaps you have already thought about - do you think another job may be kinder on your mental and emotional health?I do hope you can find some form of support group, whether that is focused on infertility, or an interest you have - somewhere you can be amongst other people you enjoy being with.

Yes counselling can be costly, however the NHS does have some services available. Each borough differs, but for example where I live, it is Health in Mind, that I self-referred to, and was offered 3 months of support. There are also other organisations that I have been referred to that don't directly deal with infertility, but if I wanted to talk about that, they are trained to listen.

The Master Healer I worked with does charge, and it's around £170 for 2+hours - he never seems to clock watch. I found him via social media, had 3 sessions with him and it healed so many wounds. If that is something you would like to investigate, I can pass on his details.

Be kind to yourself - you are where you are meant to be, and life is unfolding as it should.

Best wishes x