Helping the husband deal with him being childless

[Tj9695]

Hi

I have three children from a previous marriage but when my new husband and I tried it didn't work. We tried ivf but the odds were stacked against us and it didn't work.

That was five years ago and while I at the time had a breakdown in now very at ease with what happened. My husband however has recently told me he isn't and has felt like this for the last two years.

He feels a deep sense of sadness at never having his own child and not getting to leave a legacy or have those firsts (word, walk etc) this is deeply affecting him and he has depression and we are struggling.

He has seen a counsellor who says this is triggered by a mid life crisis but I don't think that's the full story. How can I help him deal with his loss and look forward to a different future. I can't find any help online for him and he has no friends he feels able to confide in.

[20Voices]

Sorry to hear your husband feels like this. I know the feeling. I tried IVF and it didn't work. I buried myself in other things rather than dealing with the grief of not being a mother. I did the "it is okay, I must be meant to do other things" thing, but although I did have adventures that I would not have had if IVF had worked it still didn't make up for the loss.

It wasn't until I spoke to a psychologist regarding my breakdown that I discussed my feelings about the failed IVF. I have now grieved the loss of motherhood and my way of looking to the future was to become a volunteer with a children's charity. I wanted to foster but with the break up of my marriage and me getting settled with my anxiety and depression I was advised I was not a suitable candidate and that I should try again once things settle down.

So I would say from my experience your husband needs to speak to someone who can help him come to terms with that loss and also anything else that he is finding it hard to speak about. I needed someone to tell me that it was okay to not be okay with the fact I couldn't have kids and help me see what worth there still was for me. I was lucky and found the people to help me and I hope your husband can as well.

[nathglew]

Hi, I'm so sorry that your husband is going through this, I am in exactly the same place.. My wife has 2 children from a previous marriage, ours was just down to bad timing as she is mid 40's now. He is very lucky to have you trying to help him, I am not doing so well as I haven't been able to find the help I need and we are on the brink of breaking up because of this. Please continue to get him the help he needs, if he is the same as me then it will have broken his heart and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and you would definitely not was him to be in the same place as myself.