To adopt or not to adopt?

[Wendy48]

Just wondered if anyone thought about adopting but decided not to and if so why not? I  would have liked to have gone down that route but my husband didn't and I have found that difficult to deal with. Any advice would be welcome  x

[lc01sw]

hi Wendy my husband and I both decided not to go down the adoption route as it isn't the same as having your own children and the whole process you have to go through especially after we watched a programme about it and the emotional baggage they come with e.g. abuse,neglect.

[Wendy48 in reply to lc01sw]

Thanks for your reply.  Do you ever worry that you may have regrets in years to come as that's what I worry about?  X 

[lc01sw in reply to Wendy48]

it will get harder as we get older but we still know that we have made the right decision many of the members of MTL haven't gone down that route either also if the adopted child wants to look for their biological parents you have that to deal with but it makes you almost feel guilty for not adopting when you see posters about it in your face. It's not for everyone difficult for you as you and your husband have a difference of opinion regarding the issue.

[Katey1]

Hi,

My husband and I went through exactly the same thought process.  We pondered long and hard about adoption and both decided it wasn't for us.  At the end of the day, I wanted his child, and unfortunately nothing else would do.  As with the previous reply, we were not selfless enough to want to deal with an adopted child and potentially all the emotional or physical issues they might have further down the line.  We decided it just wasn't for us.  I know I won't regret it in the future as it's the right decision for us now.  None of us knows what the future holds so have to make the most of today.  I know I will miss not having my own children, but I owe it to myself and my husband to lay that to rest in order that we can move on with our lives.  We are more than just our ability to reproduce! Best of luck. It gets easier. Xxx

[Wendy48]

Thanks Kate,  it really helps to talk to people who have been in the same situation.  It's an ongoing process isn't it I suppose in readjusting your life and what you thought it would be. Thanks again for your kind words of support xx

[Sleepy7]

Hi

We did go down the adoption route for three long and painful years. Our experience was so harrowing and heart-wrenching that it made failed IVF and miscarriages look relatively painless. I would never want to put off anyone who can do such a selfless act as adoption. However, I would say that you both need to be 100% committed to it. We thought we were and that wasn't enough. Our adoption agency had a preparation group for a few weeks to cover the basics of adoption, why the children are in care and the behaviour you might face etc.... If your local adoption agency does this, it would give you and your husband an idea of what lies ahead. You can then decide whether to go ahead. Remember that what they say is true, these poor children are damaged by their dreadful life experiences and even the very young children are high risk as they are quite likely to suffer from drug withdrawal or worse, foetal alcohol syndrome. It is also an extremely lengthy process. Alternatively, perhaps you and your husband could speak to an unbiased friend or counsellor about your options? Make sure you have both talked it through well so that neither of you have regrets in the future. Very best of luck to you. x

[Wendy48]

Dear Sleepy7

Thank you for your email and sharing your story with me,  it really is helpful to hear from others who have had to make the same decision. I know that adoption is not an easy process and that the children who are in need of a home are from very difficult backgrounds. I am hoping that in time we will both adjust to a life with no children. Thanks  for taking the time to email me with your wise words.

Wendy xx

[weeperrin]

Hi wendy, we have been going down the adoption route over the past 2 years and have recently been passed for under 3s. though any placement may not happen within the next year or possibly ever. It has been a horrible long, emotionally draining process which feels never ending and hence why I am back on MTL. If your husband is not keen I would be very cautious as you both really need to be in it 100% xx

[Hidden]

We've passed Stage 1 of the adoption process recently. We're on a break so we can get a bigger house, but that's really difficult, because unless we do it within 6 months (which we won't!) we have to start all over again. There are a lot of changes in the adoption process at the moment too, which has slowed everything down. Needs a lot of thought - my agency run information coffee mornings, where you can speak to parents who have adopted and learn more about it. It's good to speak to someone first hand.