The P bomb!

I opened my door this morning to a little pink gift bag. Inside was a card telling me my friend who I was due to meet on Sunday night is pregnant. She had taken the time to fill the bag with chocolate, tissues and a face mask and drop it off before work.

I find the 'i'm pregnant' bomb shell very hard usually. And have had such painful occasions when it had been announced at family meals, Christmas gatherings, at the regular work announcements. The seconds tick by as you wait till you can go home and cry.

The hardest one was when a delighted friend called me up to tell me her exciting news while I was miscarrying at two months following icsi. I had just about been hanging on to my sanity until that awful moment. The pain all these announcements cause has been quite debilitating.

And then today....Someone who understood her delight would be bitter sweet for me. I found her thoughtfulness comforting.

Will I be going on Sunday to see her and the rest of my friends....Probably not. They are all mothers and they will want to share her excitment. I am happy to miss this occasion.

But I am not left with the bitter sting of sadness because after 7 yrs...Someone has been thoughtful of my pain. And this is healing. I just wish everyone could be this kind.

[bms12]

Makes things much easier when they are understanding, I've definitely had my fair share of upset/angry moments due to announcements. One being my sister in law who did not want another child and fell pregnant by accident and couldn't understand why I needed a bit of time to wrap my head around it so offered to get an abortion instead. As if that was what I would every want!

[Hidden in reply to bms12]

What the hell?.... I am worried that some of the most intelligent people can be so ridiculously insensitive and unaware of the pain they can cause. It just beggars belief.

If this painful world of infertility has given me anything... it is more understanding of people's pain. The Judgement of unhelpful comments and insensitive behaviour we have received will always be a reminder what not to do to others. Xxx

[bms12 in reply to Hidden]

Indeed, I've gotten to a point where I don't sugarcoat my response to insensitive comments anymore. I tell them the nitty gritty that nobody wants to hear. I have no issues with educating people, but when people who I have explained my situation too and have seen the rollercoaster I've been on for the past 4 years (and still feel as though its only just beginning) I'm quite blunt with my responses- they certainly don't look at me the same again! Haha.

We just need to keep strong, support people who are in the same situations and surround ourselves with like-minded, supportive people!

[K4te]

I love that your friend was so thoughtful. It just shows that she totally understands that a joyful announcement can sometimes be bittersweet for others.

[pm27]

It can be hard to hear pregnancy announcements but this sounds like a good way to do it as you could process it in your own time without people watching your reaction. I expect she'll understand if you don't go on Sunday. You're being considerate too as you want her to enjoy discussing pregnancy stuff with the others.

Perhaps plan to do something nice on Sunday instead and meet up with her without the others another time?

[Hidden]

Great idea 😀 it's always easier meeting friends who are mums or mums to be on their own. All together is just too much....As the conversation always gravitates to being a parent. I don't think my husband has this with his male friends....It's definitely a girl thing x

[Infertility-hurts]

Agreed thanks for sharing

[Welsh-barney-boy]

How thoughtful of her. It's so hard being in this position, and someone acknowledging that their happiness is likely to cause you distress is so thoughtful.

I've had a few close friends call, and as soon as I see their name, I know why they're calling. Others just do the blanket announcement. That's where I start keeping my distance as they clearly have no understanding.

As I was about to leave work for my hysterectomy a young colleague was about to go on maternity leave. That's all people focussed on and it felt like they were stabbing me through the heart.

X

[Hidden]

So sorry to hear about your treatment at work. People just can't handle hard and sad events. Pregnancies at work are the hardest, as you have to see and hear everyday what you spend all your energy trying to avoid. I have to admit I left one job just to get away from it. It is really sad to know you were not given the support or kindness you needed at that difficult time xxx

[KittyBigPaws in reply to Hidden]

Hi guys. I'm new to the forum today. I'm your post with empathy but hope that there are thoughtful people out there after all.

I work in HR. I find that the expectation that some parents have for work to accommodate their life choice (and if you are lucky enough to be able to have children, in the western world at least, it is usually a life choice) pretty hard. Don't get me wrong, I support family friendly policies and flexible working etc, but for everyone. The arrogant expectation from some parents that they are unconditionally entitled to get what they want because they have successfully had a kid is hard to take.

I am just in the process of taking voluntary redundancy from a job where a male boss with three kids would not stop moaning about how hard it is to be a parent. I could not escape it... Every single day... blah blah blah... how little sleep he got etc... I would empathise, and then he would go on more. I would make suggestions (some of the issues were clearly a result of parenting style - I'm being factual not judgemental)... he took no notice and carried on moaning... I suggested he call the employee helpline for advice... he clearly didn't... I eventually took to pointing out how lucky he was to have kids to wake him up and how there are many times I had wished for this (take the hint mate I'm Childress in my early 40's - ever wondered why)... but no... woe was he with bells on. It did not stop.

In the end, I took him aside and I told him how hard I found his moaning and why. I explained that for other medical reasons I know how debilitating lack of sleep can be, I'm not heartless. He didn't know quite what to say and muttered an apology... which I said was not necessary... I was telling him so that he could adapt his behaviour a little and show some empathy to others... then guess what... he now goes on and on about how great his kids are and what amazing advice the employee helpline has given him to deal with them... I'm pleased he has three happy children now, but I feel like giving him cards with conversation starter suggestions on them! I have taken to pitying him... he lacks so much empathy and social etiquette it isn't true! Pity is such a powerful emotion! 😂 But I am SO glad to be leaving!