It sickens me that I feel the urge to cut, that I actually feel like I NEED to cause damage to myself. I want to. I want to see them red raw and not an inch of pale flesh left untouched. Things are so okay at the moment but I am still missing cutting. I'm still hallucinating and seeing blood drip down walls. My scars are healing and ofcourse I want them to go and I want to get better, there's just some sick part of me that wants fresh wounds and more blood stains on my matress. I want to feel the itch of the healing process and the sting when you pick a scab off. I want to see the fat bursting out of every wound. And the sickest part is that I want that more than I want to recover.