Will it ever go away

I have suffered depression since I was 15, taken various tablets and seen various people. In some ways I am a stronger person just I wish I could keep awake. My best place to be is in my bed. I work full time but can't wait to get home to have my snooze. If it's a weekend or holiday I can stay there all day then hate myself for it. I do only the things I really have to do. I live on my own and although I don't mind it things have got worse since then as I can do as I please. My job doesn't help as I hate my boss so much he has destroyed all my confidence (not that I had a lot in the first place). I just want to be like everyone else, do things when you want instead of being can't be bothered.

[sasays]

Its a vicous circle isnt it, i feel the same, so low on energy and so tired all the time, and then when i sleep in in the mornings i feel unwell all day like ive overslept (ive had quite a bit of time off over Christmas and im hating it). I would do anything to get some energy and enthusasim back, actually be able to believe someone with the 'onwards and upwards' saying that keeps getting thrown around, seems like a bit of a cruel joke at current.

I wish i had something more positive to say, but at least you're not alone on here! Exhausted x

[Hidden]

Many thanks for replying but I think you have hit the nail on the head, I would do anything for energy and enthusiasm. Not wishing to keep moaning I am lucky I sleep there is an awful lot who find it difficult to sleep.. I appreciate there are so many of us that want to get rid of this evil thing.

[Optimistic9]

My advice to you is to cut out stimulants like coffee from your diet and drink herbal tea or fruit juice. Also eat lots of healthy high protein food like lean meat, fresh fish,wholegrain bread, eggs and lots of fresh vegetables. Try taking a high strength vitamin B complex supplement everyday. I dont know if you live near a swimming pool but if you can , go swimming. It uses all your muscles and it boosts your circulation especially in the winter. You did not mention if you smoke but if you do this simply starves the brain of oxygen and causes tiredness. Some medications can also cause tiredness. Its a terrible way to feel and you need to make a few changes to see what works. There are lots of homeopathic remedies for tiredness and they can be very effective. It may be worth reading up on them or seeing a homeopathic doctor. One more thing which will make you tired is if you spend a long time on the computer at work. It can cause eyestrain and headaches. Try and get out in the fresh air as much as you can and good luck. I hope it improves !

[Hidden in reply to Optimistic9]

Thanks for that, I have said for a long time I need to change my life. Perhaps 2013 is just the time.

[Hidden]

Hi I sympathese with your your position. When I was working full time I spent most of my free time in bed too as I was so shattered. So I cut my hours a bit (can you do that?). I also realised that spending all my waking hours at work was very draining and I needed a social life to balance it out. So despite tiredness I did force myself out once or twice a week. I felt less tired and enjoyed life more. I am out of work now and can't get a job so envy you!

Hope this helps.

Bev x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I find work the worst, have been on holiday for over a week so dread going back. Last week I wasn't going back again but think I will give it a try again. Living on my own I need the money. I know this sounds very selfish but I just can't be bothered, although I do realise that I need to help myself to get up and running. Hope your job hunting gets you what you want.

[sasays]

Hey Bernie, do you have a friend who you'd be comfortable doing something low key with? I've rediscovered the cinema! Ha. Something small but it means i get out without having to worry to much about lengthy conversation or how i look - sitting in a dark room watching a film on an Orange Wednesday of Odeon£5 Tuesday isnt too much and i feel a tiny bit proud of myself when i get home that i went out and did something that day. Small things but if it works hey!

Swimming is definitely ba gooden! Though not sure i can muster the energy for that one plus my figure has competely changed so i shant be removing any clothes any time soon! Or ever. Jeepers

If you do think about cutting down your hours thinks about a time frame perhaps, seems like a few people find it hard to go back once you've stepped out for a bit. I personally know the worst thing i can do right now is leave my job (even though my problems are VERY evident there) because i don't think I could ever go back But everyone is different, if you think taking time out or cutting down would be a good idea for you then you shoudl defo look into it x

[Hidden in reply to sasays]

Unfortunately my friends are all married and have children so hate to ask them to meet in the evenings as I know they are so busy. Sorry can't swim although it is very good for you. I used to say I can't give up work it keeps me going but I find it so stressful now I'm not sure what to do next. Not sure my boss would let me reduce my hours but do know whatever I do it's never right!!

[Optimistic9]

I dont know what medication you take but many prescription drugs can make you feel tired. All drugs contain chemicals which deplete the body of natural vitamins. Many have a tranquillising effect You say youve been on them for a long time. Have you tried asking your GP for some alternative therapy ?.

[Hidden]

I am on Lithium and Prozac and have been on them for 12 years. I was put on them by the Priory Hospital but can no longer afford to go there. My GP never seems to mention anything about my tablets just gives me more each month. You know how it is, easier to give more than talk in depth about it. My work doesn't know I suffer so any therapy I have must be out of work hours. We are all good at putting on a mask when things are bad.

[Optimistic9 in reply to Hidden]

I think you may be interested to read the book "Beyond Prozac" by Doctor Terry Lynch. It is utterly fascinating and will definitely help you. I personally do not think you should have been left on these drugs for so long. The author of the book is a practising GP and a psychotherapist . Good luck for the new year. I hope things change for the better!

[Hidden]

I was in your position at work Bernie 7. I absolutely hated my job - we were always being watched at all times and had continual meetings with the line manager. I had different managers all the time. Under the good ones I was fine but they kept changing them and there were some managers who were c... There were always targets to meet. Yuck! I did eventually tell them about my depression. Under the law they have to then make reasonable adjustments, but (always a but) they had to be subject to business needs. I was also allowed time off with pay for therapy.

I was sent to ATOS who recommended I had an extra 8 days depression leave. I was also allowed to have a couple of extra breaks a day if I needed them. My union rep was involved and every month we all had a stress risk assessment meeting which I found very stressful! In the end I wasn't sure if it was all worth it.

Because I went over my allowed sick leave (only 6 days a year plus 8 days depression leave) I had a couple of oral warnings and finally a final written warning. Unfortunately I transgressed that by one day! I knew that they were looking for an excuse to sack me and they took the chance then. Although I miss working and I certainly miss the money (Im on JSA now) I am so glad to be out of that terrible job it was almost worth it. My friends said I was obviously much happier and a nicer person being out of it. I wouldn't go back there if I could.

I too live on my own and my friends were always busy weekends and evenings with their families. But I did go out 3 times a week. 2 of them playing darts. But weekends I spent mostly on my own.

I can't tell you what to do Bernie but I hope my experiences help you.

Let us know what happens

Bev xx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Bless your heart you have been there and done that so you know what it's like. I'm sure that even if my Boss knew how I was feeling that wouldn't make any difference as in his world it's work, work, work. I have training at the end of Jan and if i could get out of it I would. I think a job with no stress would suit me but just don't know what to do. x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Your employer doesn't have a choice Bernie. Its the law and comes under Health and Safety. Look it up on direct.gov.uk. If he won't then you can sue him!

Bev x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I have had a look at this web page, many thanks has made me feel much better if I have to take time off.

[sasays in reply to Hidden]

Hi Bev, just wondering, whats ATOS? Ta

[Hidden]

Wow sasays have you been living on Mars? Thats the official Government body which deals with those on benefits and those at work who have health issues. Its all over the news every day.

Bev x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Beve, People who are depressed tend not be interested enough in things around them to listen to the news, I know I don't. I'm a health professional and have never heard of ATOS! What does it stand for?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thats the company the Government has given the power to to decide who can claim ESA and DLA payments etc. All this about benefits being cut or abolished is because of the Governments hate stance against the disabled. They use ATOS to judge benefit entitlement subject, of course, to their instructions.

Anyone who claims ESA (and sometimes DLA) has to go to an ATOS meeting, usually with occupational therapists, not medical professionals. They can and do override doctors sick notes and decide if someone can claim benefits. Because of Government instructions and targets many sick and disabled people are getting their benefit stopped. A number of people have been forced on to JSA instead when they aren't fit to work and a few have actually died soon after getting their benefits stopped. Its all over the news every day!

ATOS is a French company but I don't know what it stands for.

Bev x

[sasays in reply to Hidden]

Sorry, my living situation at the moment means i can't get online that much so i mostly go on here at work. Also I no longer in my own home (temporarily but alot longer than planned) so i'm not in control over the remote! And don't like to have a TV in my own room. My concentration is so poor i don't read the papers, and i don't like magazines. Excuses, excuses hey!! I'm sure its something i should know already and since these posts ive actually read some guidance on MH issues in regards to benefits that MIND have put together that someone posted on here so im a little more informed now. Its awful but i do tend to stick my head in the sand a little sometimes - i tend to wear my heart on my sleeve so i sometimes avoid things that are too upsetting, leaving me a little uneducated maybe. I can find the news pretty traumatic and thankfully have not had to have any involvement with ATOS myself (yet! eek). I try and make up for it in giving monthly donations to quite a few charities, and doing some volunteer work.

I'm not very good at retaining information anyway so may be at some point i knew all about this but ive forgotten any recollection now, that sounds about right for me.

Hmm, obviously feeling a bit rubbish this evening sorry. Just this is a fine example of many conversations i have to silently look in on as i have no idea what people are talking about and its to embarassing to keep asking. Find it a real hinderance in my social life and im too old to be comin across this dim now

Hopefully my brain will get into gear further down the line and things will get a bit easier. Fingers crossed x

[Hidden in reply to sasays]

No worries sasays and no need to apologise. I was just surprised that anyone these days didn't know about ATOS. Especially a health specialist! I do understand why and I'm sorry if I came on a bit strong about it...and don't apologise for feeling rubbish its not your fault is it? Depression is a horrible illness

My memory bad now. Partly due to depression and partly because of age. I hate getting older don't you? It just makes life harder than ever. My depression isn't usually bad enough to claim ESA (sickness benefit) so I am on Job Seekers Allowance (looking for work). I have been out of work for nearly 3 years now and I am getting lots of pressure from the Job Centre about finding a job. That is depressing me because there is very little work here which is mainly physical ie cleaning, caring etc. Thats the problem of living by the seaside. I can only do sit down work ie admin. I can't get my state pension until 65 as well. Trying to live off benefits is impossible.

Oh well must stop moaning there are many a lot worse off than me.

Bev x

[sasays in reply to Hidden]

Oh im certainly not a health specialist hun.

Oh thats awful, are there any receptionist jobs at hotels or b&bs maybe? Just thinking you get to sit down but still have the ocassional natter with new people, share your knowledge of your hometown maybe? I'm sure you've thought of every idea under the sun but worth mentioning just in case hey.

Best wishes, i hope you find something soon x

[Hidden]

Hi Bernie

I feel sad reading your blog as it sounds as though you are alone in life at home and wish you could be alone at work if only your boss would let you be. No wonder you want to take to your bed! It's hard being alone. I'm lucky enough to have some supportive people in my life but even that doesn't help at times and like you I tend to withdraw. I wonder whether you feel there is anyone who understands you as without understanding we feel alone and are alone even if there are people around. Wanting to sleep is a defence against the pain of life and a way of coping that I know very well! When I was younger it used to be difficult to get me to wake up. Withdrawing from life means that there is something missing in life, that there is not enough care and understanding in life to make it feel meaningful and worthwhile.

You say you want to be able to do as you want like other people do, but the difficulty is coming to know what it is that you do want to do. I found it helpful many years ago to write a life plan. To do that you have to think about the ideal life you would want and put aside any thoughts about whether it is realistic, because of course it probably isn't. So you write about how you would like your life to be in 10 years time if it could be like that, then break each thing you imagined down by thinking what it would have to be like in five years, what you would have to be doing by then. If you keep doing that you will find you realise what you want from life, why you are not happy and why you need to withdraw from life and into sleep. Being sleepy all the time sounds as if you are bored, that life is just not fun and interesting, that it doesn't hold enough challenges for you, that it isn't satisfying. You can change that by finding out what you want and then working out how to go for it. The life plan can help with that, I know, I tried it years ago and most things I discovered I wanted did come true. But it will take courage to let yourself dream about ten years into the future without becoming negative. How would you love your life to be in ten years time if only it could be like that? Start dreaming even if it is while you sleep.

Suex

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You know how my mind works!! I am rather alone, lost my brother at 16, my mum at 19 and my dad at 34 so have spent a lot of time on my own. I also have another brother who I am close to but he's not very good at coping with illness.I have a man in my life for the last 6 months but can't let that move forward as I'm too scared of commitment having been married before.

You talk about writing a life plan, that's a difficult one as it's true I don't know what I want. I used to have two holidays a year now I'm not even interested in reading about where to go. I just wish I could get up one morning and do the things that need doing for a start, have some get up and go, and a spring in my step. I have made plans before and when the alarm goes off I just turn over. I do agree with you perhaps I am bored with no excitement, but then It's only me that can change it.

I do appreciate your reply for which I thank you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Wow Sue you come out with some great things. Especially that bit about care and understanding in your life and the extrovert bit. They are both so like me as well. Very thought proking!

I wish I could find an official counsellor like you.

Bev xx

[Hidden]

Hi

Why not talk with someone, maybe a counsellor, about the losses and how you are used to being on your own and escape into sleeping? You may find that talking that through with an experienced professional can help you to clarify what you do want.

I wonder what life was like for you much earlier than 16, for example as a young child in primary school whether you had friends or were a loner. I know that I was always a loner as a child and although I then went through periods of seeming quite sociable at times I still spend a lot of time alone, but through therapy I have discovered that that has never been my choice and that even as a child I was a loner not because it was my personality to be that way, because in fact I can be quite extrovert by nature, but because I felt unloved by my parents and so didn't feel secure enough to join in with other kids. Finding that out has enabled me to realise how much I love being with other people and now grieve the lack of that within my life. Knowing hasn't made me happy but it has enabled me to reach out for what I want and to find it at times!

Suexx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Wow again. Thats me to a tee. I am an extrovert but was a loner at school for that very reason which I didn't realise until you said that. I am not as at ease with people as I want to be and would love more love and caring in my life. And many more people too. I spend too much time alone.

Bev x

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm glad you feel understood by me. It doesn't solve problems when people understand but it does help to move us in the right direction I find, there's a kind of comfort in knowing someone does at least understand, it can be healing.

Why not ask to be referred to someone. They may seem not to understand so easily but any psychoanalytic psychotherapist will listen and most will understand you in time. I think you would find that helpful. Counselling can be very helpful but for deeper issues which relate back to earlier times therapists can be more useful as their training is to look in depth.

Your GP could refer you to the nearest NHS psychotherapy service or if you can afford it you could find a private therapist through UKCP or BACP.

I hope you have a good 2013 and keep writing! I know I will when I feel low.

Suexx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi

In my mid 20's I saw many psychotherapists through the NHS and found it most annoying as every appointment I had was with someone different and it was also at that time I was given Ativan. Don't take them anymore and they were really difficult to get off, hence by my experience I don't have much time for the NHS. However on saying that I have heard about many people getting real help.I suppose what I hope is that I can do it myself slowly. Trouble is when you are down it's very hard to get motivated as I'm sure you know.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You had to see different people each time! That's useless. One of the main benefits of therapy is the development of a relationship over time.

Yes, tell me about it, one day the motivation is there and the next it's totally gone. The NHS is or at least can be very different now although with the recession services have been cut so much that probably managing alone is the best thing if you can, also using websites like this. Take care and do keep writing when you feel down or need support.

Sue

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm sorry, I've just realised by re-reading the blog that you have already been to the Priory but can't afford to continue. Why not let your GP refer you for more therapy but on the NHS?

Suexx

[Hidden]

I think my chest infection has been making me mis-read or rather fail to read your blog properly! I'm sorry, you've already said that you have been to many psychotherapists. Me also, and still there! Sometimes I wonder whether it helps, although at other times I know it is benefitting me. It sounds as though like me you feel you are missing out on all you could be doing with your life when instead you withdraw. I tend to do that too, despite having had a lot of therapy and worked as a therapist too. I think sometimes we want to be someone we are not. I sometimes think that perhaps I am a more reflective and solitary as a result of my early experiences and that I have to come to terms with that. I don't know whether you have had periods of your life when you've been any different? I have had times when I've been really positive and active, and much more outgoing, usually when I've been doing something which has given me a sense of purpose, for example a course. I wonder whether you need something to give you a sense of direction. If you could choose to have a different life what would it be like? What kind of thing do other people do that you either wish you did or think you should be doing with your life? Is it that you feel guilty for enjoying your bed, or that you feel lonely, or depressed by it? Trying to tease out what you feel can help clarify whether you really want to be doing something else or whether you just think you should want that. Just thoughts. I'm sorry if you've already written about those things elsewhere in the blog or another blog. Sometimes I lose the focus especially when I've not been out in the world enough like now. I know you say you want to be like everyone else and I sometimes feel that too. It does feel unfair that some people seem to get up, go to work which they enjoy, have full social lives, family and friends around them, etc and just seem to slide through life. I know that there have been times when I've valued being different from that, for example when I was working as a therapist I found that it was the fact that I wasn't like everyone else that enabled me to have some understanding of other people who felt different. When you write on the website here people will find it helpful as by hearing how you feel they will also know they are not alone in the way they feel. Small consolation probably, but actaully lots of people are less outgoing and tend to withdraw into being solitary. I found a really good video on youtube about introversion and how we tend not value that kind of personality in our society, how everyone thinks they have to be outgoing and live really full lives, although often people who do that keep themselves busy so they don't have to think and feel. Who knows what's right. If you are happy withdrawing then do it, if you are not then think about what you would rather be doing and write about that, so maybe we can all help you to do it?

What a long rambling blog, it must be the chest infection, ignore it all if it's irrelevant!

Suex

[Hidden]

I just found the video link on youtube, it's by a woman called Susan Cain, some US professor. I found her irritating to listen to at times, but the ideas she talked about were interesting.

[Hidden]

Yes I do feel I am missing out, I have friends who do just what they want when they want but with me I have to plan everything in advance and the nearer we get to it the more stressed out I get. The silly thing is I am more confident and do more things when I am single and that really annoys me. I dont feel guilty about my bed it's like a safe place everything will be ok if I am there. I would so like to go about life life everyone else but the more stressed I get the more I tremble which people notice. I used to have two holidays a year when I was married but now divorced I haven't had any for 6 years. My other half really wants to go away this year but the thought of that terrifies me and cannot bring myself to agree to it. I used to love holidays so why now do things seem so impossible.

Do hope you will be feeling better soon and thank you for replying.

xx