Hi, I'm new. My story...

I have been struggling with depression/anxiety since I was about 18 ( I am now 42) and have been on/off anti-depressants since. Every single day is a huge struggle..a chore. I cannot remember ever having been truly happy. I don't know the meaning of the word to be honest and envy people who breeze blissfully through life. I have never had any therapy as such. Tried CBT but found that a waste of time. I have asked the GP to refer me to a psychiatrist but he prefers to keep me on the anti-depressants. But they don't seem to work. My moods are all over the place. I have recently been in an extremely dark place and suicide would cross my mind more than once a day. I would then come out of the darkness for a while only to fall back into the lonely pit a little while later. I am constantly jaded & anxious, sad about the past, frightened of the future, intolerant of the present. Tired of feeling like this.Tired of life.

I wonder whether it is a brain chemistry thing or whether it is due to life events and experiences.

I had a difficult childhood (haven't we all!). My father was a controlling, critical man who never showed any emotion other than anger and bitterness and the continuous urge to fight with everyone, especially his own flesh & blood (his whole family is now estranged from him). I cannot recall ever once having been hugged by either of my parents who fought like cat & dog on a daily basis. It was a miserable existance & I couldn't wait to leave home at 17, which I duly did. I could have gone to university but this would mean still living at home for another 3 years, which was out of the question. So I left home to start a soul-destroying career, which was just a means to an end.

I jumped from one doomed relationship to another mostly with older men. Married at 23, had my son at 24, divorced and single mum at 28. Another couple of failed relationships after that. I have just split up with my long-term partner. I have no family around other than my son (there are aunts, uncles, cousins I have not seen since childhood - thanks to my father) and true friends are very few and far between.

I feel very alone and ask myself what is the point of it all. My son, goodness knows how, is very well adjusted and has done so well in his short life. I am so proud of the way he has turned out. He will be off to uni next year to start a new life. He is the only redeeming factor in this sad story.

Sorry for such a long ramble.

[redroseart]

hello sounds like your childhood has alot to do with your depression. insist on seeing a psychiatrist then you will get more help. i have found the more people you have for support the safer you feel. depression is a long road. i have had it since i was 15 am now 60. i can have very bad days but then i have a wonderful son like yours. think of him when you are down and be proud of yourself for making him the way he is. my son means everything to me. i now have a gorgeous grandaughter.

i only have 1 friend who i am not to keen on at times but she has been supportive. is there any groups you could join. i go to start a mental health group.

[reggie]

hello your story is mine and I feel for you loneliness is a dark place my ex she constantly tells me of her new man I don;t her to it gives me negative thoughts be strong

[Hidden]

Hi,

Thank you for being so honest in your blog.

You're having a difficult time by the sound of it. It sound as though you are already aware that the difficulties you are experiencing now go back to childhood experiences and in view of that I would recommend you approach your GP again and this time insist that he refer you to the local or regional phychotherapy service. Counseling may be helpful in the short term but I think you would beenfit from a period of Cognitive Analytic or Psychodynamic therapy as they work with an understanding of the links between childhood experiences and adult mental health problems. You may have to INSIST - I know I had to in the end, but is finally proving helpful. Sue

[Hidden]

Thank you for all your kind comments. It is comforting in a way to know that there are so many in the same predicament. I have an appointment with a new GP next week and I will insist on getting a referral to a psychiatrist/psychotherapist. I would have thought that after explaining my situation & past & the fact that the anti-d's haven't helped for 24 years they would suggested trying the psychotherapy. It doesn't help that I don't have much in the way of family or friends to turn to. But, I suppose it is up to me to make the changes where I can. Just so hard when it is so draining just getting through the basics of everyday life.

[redroseart]

hi ziggy i know what you mean about life being a struggle. i find it really hard getting out of bed then making myself get washed dressed even breakfast is a struggle. i feel so hopeless. i have had psychotherapy and counselling on anti depressants sleeping tablets. i feel like nothing helps when i am depressed. other people seem fine so i wonder why i am not.

[0704angela]

Hi Ziggy, I too have had a problem childhood, with abuse, unloving, bullying, low self esteem and weight issues. I feel like you do most days but cover it up well, I am now 52. You need to unlock the feelings from the past so that you can move on, and learn ways of coping with the mood swings, this can be done in a variety of ways, CBT, medication and relaxation. I think you have already made the first step to accepting that there is a problem and wanting something done about it... Well done! I hope your appointment gets you to a psychotherapist as I am sure this will help support you to starting the process of recovery. Remember if one GP turns you down then try another!

There also my be other support in your area, so it is worth investigation mental health services in the voluntary sector, in libraries, on line, or telephone helplines. The Charity MIND may also know of other support available.

Good Luck!

x

[Hidden]

Thank-you redroseart and 0704angela. Yes, daily life is such a struggle. You are right, I need to unleash those 'demons' and talking therapy is definitely the way to go. You are right, 0704angela, about relaxation. This together with the depression/anxiety has been an issue all my life. I just seem unable to relax. I live in a constant state of nervous energy. Am continually stressed out. The only relief sometimes is to shut myself in my bedroom in absolute darkness (my ex-partner used to say this was me running & hiding from life!) but even then sleep doesn't always come easy & when it does I'm obviously still stressed - I wear a bite guard to stop me grinding my teeth in my sleep & judging by the marks on it I'm anything but relaxed!

[Hidden]

Hi again Ziggy

I'm glad you are going to seek help from someone to talk to. Talking therapies don't magically solve everything but they do offer an opportunity to share feelings within a trusting relationship. Make sure you feel free to ask for referral to someone different, or maybe a different kind of therapy, if the first one doesn't feel right for you. It can be helpful first to read about the different therapies (google talking therapies or psychotherapy) because then you have some idea of the kind of therapy you think will be helpful. CBT and CAT can be helpful for many people, some people need a longer period of therapy than is available on the NHS and there are sometimes voluntary organisations that can provide such help. Support groups can also be great where they are available. It sounds as though you are fairly isolated and having good supportive relationships is the key to overcoming depression.

Take care and good luck, keep us informed how you get on

Suexx