Mental health and how to deal with long term ptsd

[Kendell]

Hi, I'm new here. I was led to this site purely by typing in beyond help. I battle with mental illness, it's been 19 years of it and professionals haven't been much help. They have just thrown me in and out of institutions, meds, shock therapy. But now i'm on my own for the first time, still financially dependent on family, off all meds because of the trauma I experience being on them which sometimes I feel i'm shooting myself in the foot because it's jus not feeling possible. My faith is dying a slow and painful death and recent trauma has brought back too much for me to process or even know where to begin. I don't know how to help myself and when I try , I just feel it's useless. There is so much trauma in my life that therapy just makes me tired and I feel like there is no end to my battle. Covid hasnt helped, i'm feeling a lot like I wish I didnt have to be in a word with humans because i'm so tired of feeling judged and even more tired of how much I hate myself. I'm having angry outbursts and I can't explain why. Like i'm just being pushed way past my limits and im battling to sleep, getting flashbacks and really feeling incredibly alone and out of hope, not really wanting life but getting through the days as best I can. What I'd like to know is how do I deal with trauma, specifically with sexual trauma. What is normal, what isn't. How do I cut myself some slack and how do I get family to understand when they simply aren't a part of my healing. If they were,they wouldn't be in a bubble of denial. How do I know whats my fault and whats not and ho do I stop flashbacks of virtually my entire life of sexual stuff that leads me to question whats true and whats not. I honest to God just dont know how to make sense of any of it anymore. If only I could find people or even a lead of someone who could possibly understand where i'm at right now, someone who has come through where I can just find a bit of hope that I really need to get by right now. I'm battling with exhaustion of my body constantly being in a state of distressand I am so so tired of fighting nothing but my own mind and very state of being. Please help. It doesnt have to be a perfect answer, any answer right now would bring a lot of comfort

[Klaus-sperger]

Hi Ken dell, my name is Klaus,I am in London,u.k.am 63 years old and a retired psychologist who became mentally ill with depression 10 years ago.You sound in the most appalling mess(if you don't mind me saying)having so much trauma from the past,the present and sounds like you have very little idea how to move forward or resolve these problems.

Its good that you have experienced a lot of medication which seems does not really help much, including ect.

And psychotherapy seems did not help you either. In my experience you get one intervention that works slightly for evrery 20 tried.

There is a LOT more that might really help you,perhaps you have never heard of these treatments but they exist.

Don't be downhearted,I know you are being pushed to the edge of coping at the moment but know you have a future and there is a path out. Klaus

[Kendell in reply to Klaus-sperger]

Thank you Klaus, I was scared initially to read replies because so many people have rather deflated any hope left but thank you for being different. I’ve only had two responses and very helpful ones in fact. I have to say I did have a laugh when you said ‘ I sound like I’m an appalling mess’ because it’s so true that I just have to laugh rather than cry but at least you gave me hope. I am currently seeing a hypnotherapist for the first time and I’m about to start dbt on my own again. My biggest problem was actually confronted on my second response. I don’t just see one problem. I see so many that every layer I unpeel only reveals a new one. And it gets really quite defeating. I seem to look at trauma as one because they have all had one thing in common, mostly. They have all been confusing and have all been violating and they have all left me feeling downtrodden by the people who are supposed to be there for me the most. Most recently I tried to tackle family therapy. I have memories that none of my family admit. Some of it was admitted for the first time but a large part keeps me in the cycle of guilt for not having any validity to these memories even if they are my own. That was deeply hurtful in itself but was interrupted from Covid and when I finally had hope I was very confused when my therapist slept with me and I was left to feel it was my fault. I still am very confused. Do I guess it’s just left me with a repeat cycle of victimisation and every reason not to trust the human heart to the expense of me feeling I’m doomed to feel shunned in a life of my own being defeated by nothing other than my own mind and life itself😂 It’s not funny but how else does one deal with it without curling into a foetal position and never getting back up. I’m sorry to hear you have battled to but thank you again not just for your professional response but for your human response.

[Klaus-sperger in reply to Kendell]

Interesting. I have been giving hypnotherapy for over 40 years,also director of the London School of Hypnosis. I am interested to know your experience of hypnotherapy. Dbt sounds good but I only know about C.B,T.

Good luck! If you search you will find,but this includes searching for more problems and deeper levels, (as my father once said 'never go to the doctor, they will only find out you are ill.

An interesting point.

It sounds like you are over burdening your thoughts by including everything rather than a small bit at a time(divide and conquer).

[Klaus-sperger in reply to Kendell]

I think running away and curling up with a cup of tea and a teddy bear is a healthy thing.sometimes we need to give up,run away and comfort ourself. But ultimately I feel we must attack, 'fall you may but rise you must '.One if the biggest areas to confront is your own negative thoughts including guilt of the past and worry of the future.

To make powerful your self esteem is essential and can be achieved simply through positive thoughts and being able to say yes and no,

A profound power that very few actively engage.

You must come first you are so important.

[Kendell in reply to Klaus-sperger]

That’s amazing. What’s even more amazing is how I found this site and fancy chatting to a hypnotherapist! Sometimes I wonder. So far I haven’t been for many sessions. She’s done more like a relaxation technique which I found incredibly. Initially I was scared because I like to feel in control and because I’ve been Christian for a while along with being in a spiritual type psychosis so it’s quite scary to let go. Not because of the therapist but because of my psychosis and the fear of opening myself up to different dimensions or shall I say more harm. I actually studied 3 years psych. For a long time all I wanted was to help people until I realised, I’m just too scared to take on that responsibility of another person’s life especially considering I’m not okay and not entirely sure I ever will be but I hope some day I will feel that there is some reason as to why I went through this amount of pain and sense of loss when it comes to humanity. My expectations of hypnotherapy was to just go to places I can’t go or I tell myself I don’t remember or that I’m making it up or I’m crazy or just simply a bad person but she says trust needs to be built first and a sense of safety. I’m still trying to figure out how to create that for myself when I know nothing in life is safe or can ever be trusted. Even my faith is difficult to hold onto but I can’t stop believing what I chose to believe even though it hurts me to feel I don’t matter to a God who says he’ll protect me when it just hurts more and more. Really just trying to live a life when all I want to do is shelter myself from more pain because I just can’t take any more. I was 14 when I said I had nothing left. Now I don’t know why I bother but I’m a fighter and the medical profession have questioned how I’ve got through what I have. I can’t explain psychosis or spirituality to them but they can see the change even if it is easier just to say no more. I’m not entirely sure how to move forward but there are some changes I’ve been experiencing that I can’t explain. Sometimes I just feel it’s never going to end but I suppose the fact that I’m writing this is a miracle in itself even though I like to deny how bad it’s been. Maybe there’s a reason I feel compelled to hold on. Maybe it’s for me. Maybe for someone else. I just hope I get to the end of my life and feel that the heartache was worth it even if it is just to help one person get by in a world that just doesn’t seem to understand a lot of the time. I would love to hear more about your story if you’re willing to share? I can’t always say it for myself but I can say sometimes we go through what we do just because at that exact time someone needs someone else to be there to just give them that little something to hang in a little longer and maybe a reason to feel they are worthwhile. I’m glad I found this site.

[Klaus-sperger in reply to Kendell]

Yes,coincidence is the language of the angels.We are guided by superior loving forces.

We were meant to communicate.

I was very ill physically from about 16 to 30. The suffering was so relentless and year after year with no clue from doctors.

Every day nauseous, hot,dizzy,light headed,severe pains in my leg,collapsing etc.etc.

I felt if there is no answer to this it is not worth me staying alive. My belief that joy and success will be greater than suffering was strongly challenged , there was no way I could possibly imagine anything positive that could equal,let alone better,this awful desperate suffering on for year after year.

(Much later it was discovered that I had been born with abnormalities on the brain and I was suffering a non fatal progressive disease).

Anyway,about age 35 I had a religious experience of feeling I was in contact with God. I was in total extacy,joy and meaning.i had non stop mystical experiences for 3 years.It changed my life and yes,i had no doubt that these rewards were far far greater than all the suffering I had had.

It continues to this day.

If I can help one baby bird back into its nest then my life has not been in vain.

[Hidden]

It is very important you can address your worries and concerns, You have had extensive treatments in Hospital and I would understand treatment giving you an understanding of the cause and effect of your condition,

Consider each generally it is more than on problem that has caused your Ptsd.

You have said sexual in some instances.

Try this say you have five different problems, take the five problems, isolate each concern into five parcels. You then take each parcel then split up each concern into small bites, like a packet of sweets,

Now each small bite can be addressed at one time, this should help you begin to move on. When that small bite has been addressed in your own mind leave that small bite and move onto the next. If you get stuck move onto the next parcel and repeat the technique until you address each of the problems you had. You can also return to earlier problems again to try and address any small bites left at that earlier time. You should eventually gain confidence as you understand and achieve an understanding of each problem

If you can discuss your fears with someone who you have confidence in that will help as well, Try not to judge family, the ones you trust you may be surprised at the help they can afford you.

We are also always here to chat

What external treatments are you having now

BOB

[Kendell in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply, I actually felt a whole lot better by reading your response. I’m very visual I the way I learn and you seem to have understood my way of dealing with it is, it’s too much. It’s very helpful to visually break it down into bite size chunks.Take care and thank you again

[Aslanlover]

Hi Kendell.I wish I had answers for you, and I don't. But I do hear your confusion and pain. After 30 years of depression, with recovery after episodes, a new one, alone, with no family, in Covid, I feel I am existing not living and the end of lockdown brings no joy. But I know that I can be different, and life can be interesting and bearable. Some days are just bed days. Others I can walk, read, talk, and even feel hope. Please keep going. And take all the help on offer. One day you will find your real, wonderful unique self. I will pray for this