youth and apathy

[alvinflang]

I'm 23 years old and I'm a musician. I think it's only fair that I preface this with saying both sides of my family have a long history of mental illness. On my father's side bipolar disorder and I'm pretty sure my mother's side has quite a battle with borderline personality disorder. I'm the first person in my family to be born in the United States and I was the first in my family to ever go to college. Before last year I kept having this feeling, this deep anxiety that something bad was going to happen, like the world was going to end. Oddly enough last year happened and I don't have to elaborate on how that went.

When everything came to a halt, ironically enough the one thing that started to do well was my music. I've started to gain a following through my art and I can't help but feel this immense void left from a growing apathy. When I think about my future, now more than ever I don't see anything worth staying for. I don't see myself making the lives of those around me any better. I see the people who say good things about myself or my music and I don't see what they see. I just see the blackhole I am. I don't see the point in continuing. I don't know how to think anything good about myself. When I do feel good my brain takes it to the extreme and I find myself coping with some pill fueled escapade my sober self doesn't remember. I don't know what future there is to continue for.

[Hidden]

Hello and Welcome.

You have a Diversion, your music and the appreciation of those around you who show respect and enjoyment of your talent, You need to accept that many people would be grateful for this type of interaction, Be thankful and keep performing, you have a talent and you generally get enjoyment, Why look towards the negative, be positive and understand you are very lucky

With regards to your fears and negative expectations. I am a little like you, my concern is I utilise You Tube for my World and Local News. I also find the American News in places quite concerning. Agenda 21, the Monitory Reset and the problems regards American Elections must have been quite alarming.

In the UK we are still having problems because of Brexit and like America our News sometimes, if informed can be very worrying. For example everywhere I have travelled to is now demonstrating or at War. Covid does not help as people are so concerned and frightened in case they catch the virus or die from it. You need to understand however the Flu of 1918 was that much worse and after the First World War the reductions of the population and death must have been a real fear.

We cannot help what is going on at this time, yes I understand how it must be frightening, what can we do ?. You need to be thankful you have an enjoyable Hobby and appreciative followers who like your Musical Activities.

Live for the Day, that is how many people get through their worries and fears.

Whatever happens, enjoy what you enjoy, we can only stop worrying life is how we make it. We may be able to control the day and enjoy it positive delights

If the news is worrying you, stop searching the negative if you can. On You can start in the morning and watch the news to bedtime, be informed and stop worrying. What will be will be

BOB

[Hidden]

Hey Alvin

Do u know what is amazing? U are an inspiration to others. When u say ppl see gud u don't see u are not lying bcz unless ur story is a lie, I c an amazing person as well. It either people are lying or u are lying but one thing is for sure, one is a liar. . I don't know reading ur posts I see a very low self esteem. It could have sterm from ur background which does happen to many bcz we see ourselves thru the eyes of those closest to us. When times like this kick in, I become the 3rd person so that I can c what others c. Don't allow ur past to tell u whu u are. Yes, it is important I am not asking u to ignore it bcz it shaped u but don't take the neg part of it to wear u down. The only thing we can do for u is listen and be there for u in times of bewilderment. It is important to be who u want to be and follow what is ur passion. Keep on the right path and not allow negetivity take u out of it. Is it easy? Nobody said that but u can make it. We are here for u.

[Nothing_but_books]

Hi alvin,

You communicate very well. When you don't see anything good about yourself think about that. To express yourself so clearly you must have a good mind, and discipline to use it to be understood. With mental illlness, it is our minds LYING to us that there is nothing good about us.

"Blackhole"? What an amazing image! I Googled it: "a place in space where gravity pulls so much that even light can not get out" Not a nothing. Your mind is tricking you to feel "this immense void". You are bright, artistic, and imaginative.

When you don't see anything good about yourself, think on that, then take a breath.

By the way, the culture of popular music almost always includes illegal drugs. If those "escapades" leave you feeling worse off, maybe you need to reconsider them.

Keep writing. You have a special voice. Respond to others posts here too if you like.

[alvinflang]

I appreciate all of the positive words I have been reading, even though I don't feel like I deserve them. I was skeptical about posting any of my thoughts here, but I will say the reception to my grievances has been met with empathy. In my culture I was explicitly told that showing any type of emotion was weakness. I was told that to feel the full weight of any given moment would leave me so vulnerable others would betray me.

I'm trying to assemble different things about myself and I think I'm learning that I might be bipolar. I have examples and moments in my life I can recall where I experienced great levels of mania followed by deep intense depressions. I'm not trying to self-diagnose, but when I got diagnosed with major depression I started to wonder a bit more. With that being said though, I don't want to come and find out that I am bipolar because every time I feel myself feeling good or very engaged I become fearful it is the precursor to an episode. I don't want to doubt myself. Especially in my creativity I find myself to really be in a headspace that I can be as great as I see myself to be when I am in the act of creating and shortly thereafter. Where is the line between mania and self worth? What's even crazier is that I find myself on the cusp of signing a distribution deal and I feel nothing but fear within myself. What if I don't feel as accomplished as I want to feel? What if I'm still not good enough? What if all of this effort is for nothing?

[Hidden]

This is big feels, I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. What do you think you would want to do to help the lives of the people around you?