Husband and I both loathe me?

[PaisleyBug]

My husband and I were married for 16 years and got divorced-the last time we were intimate was in 2013 There was almost infidelity on my part, my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive (not as a result of my actions). Then we went and remarried in 2017 because I had no insurance and he agreed to marry me to cover an extensive hospitalization and surgeries; in exchange, I, of course, received no more alimony.

In 2018 I moved back in with him to help take care of our teenage daughter. Everything started out fine-I was a roommate there to help out, I paid rent, etc.-then I became really sick and came very close to dying. He took care of me during my recovery at his home and wouldn't you know it I caught feelings for him again, and for awhile he returned them by kissing and hugging. Then he pulled away and I still have feelings, and he doesn't.

It's AWFUL to live with someone you love who has no use for you. I wonder if it isn't better to be alone?? I'm reminded over and over again how he's NOT attracted to me in any way, has no feelings for me, that he never will have feelings for me, etc. He ridicules and verbally abuses me whenever he can. When he's not ignoring me completely and treating me as if I'm a nuisance in the house. I've tried to kill myself in the past by mixing various high doses of pills and alcohol b/c I can't stop the awful pain I feel inside me and I absolutely loathe myself. I hate everything about myself, but I keep waking up still alive.

I was planning to leave, somehow, but then this Covid 19 virus came and I lost my job and can't find another one, much less a place to live. I have no relatives left alive. My husband works at an "essential business" and I am immunosuppressed with blood clots and severe asthma, and I worry constantly about him bringing the virus home because his job involves working with truck drivers who go on trips nationwide. I mostly take pills and sleep 12+ hours per day to escape and b/c I'm so sad and anxious. We've gone to counseling to try to cool his anger toward me, but it hasn't helped. And now we can't go any longer.

I don't know what to do! I'm in this house with this man who loathes me nearly as much as I loathe myself. Half of me wishes death and the other half is scared of dying.I'm so depressed and I already take pills for it. I feel trapped on all sides, and completely unloved. Please help!

[Hidden]

With this virus we are told to self isolate, and if someone has a problem with infection to self isolate in the same home, with the exception of kitchen and bedroom is it possible for you to isolate yourself from Him

It sounds like the attitude and his verbal abuse is a nasty habit that is thrown over you as a gut reaction and to be honest the only way out of this is to move in with family or children for a time until you find a new home. In the UK we are been told to isolate for twelve weeks. so in a way if you are feeling at risk your Doctor may be able to arrange an assessment to get you seen by Social Services to remove you to a place of safety as you look to move on.

However the situation we find ourselves in this may not be possible ? So I am having problem on what to suggest. The only way being self isolation until you are able to move on in possibly twelve weeks time.

BOB

[Hidden]

Don't let him be the controlling force - if he really loved you, he would be trying to make you happy and sharing his feelings but withdrawal and closing/shutting off someone is not the answer to anything

[Shilpa08]

Don’t worry u will get out of it don’t loose hope and you have to be strong and live for your daughter atleast

[DJB74]

Im very sorry for all of this PaisleyBug. You definitely have a difficult situation and I feel your pain. Ive been married 27 years and we have definitely hit ups and downs and I do feel like we too have been on different pages and both of us have fallen into infidelity. But one thing I can assure you of is this, although it is a very difficult situation at the time it iss not impossible for this to change because it is temporary. First of all during this time you feel trapped, look at it more like you have a position to start with you and fix the self loathing. His issues with you are his issues and the way he handlees them is his as well. Obviously he had these way before the divorce and his actions of taking you back were a different type of love morivated. I also believe perhaps you renewed feelings toward him were more of grattitude than feeling an emotional connection with him. Its not uncommon with us to form attachment disorders for people who show us any type of attention. Then the guilt you have for the near infidelity (that he brought on by neglecting you of basic human emotional needs) has led to your new found feelings toward him because you feel like you are not worth better! Bullshit . Anyways Im here to listen so youre not alone during this self defeating time you are enduring. Reach out any time

[PaisleyBug in reply to DJB74]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, I will reach out to you.