HOCD, How to stop the urge for compulsions?

I have proved myself so many times that I am straight like all other people, but still HOCD attacks me, it gives me urges to imagine and check any scenario, I have done that too and proved myself straight yet again and confuses me. For example, when I am thinking sex, then suddenly I saw a guy then I stop, then my mind is like " You are deliberately stopping, you will enjoy it when you think about him too", then I say " No, I won't, I have checked before." But this doesn't do and again I am in anxiety that I will be aroused and urges of checking appear again. I am suffering from HOCD from 1.5 years,well I am better but this type is killing from the start.

What if I become lgbt is also killing me.

*Actually before HOCD, I thought nobody is actually lesbian or gay and no one wants to do anything with same gender and science too supports it, they are just slangs and was never aroused*,

Then I came to know some people are actually like this which freaked my mind, and there are always question in my mind "why are they like this, they are human too, maybe you too are because you are a human too and love everyone." Then I say " No I am not, I do love everyone but I don't feel that way on same gender and it feels gross and disgusting too." Then the urge for compulsions comes, well I can stop most of times but my mind tells " you are not checking because you will be aroused and you are scared." which freaks me out. Many times when fighting not to have compulsions they get automatic and comes in subconsious. I think my mind wants a logical or a biological reason for it, idk.

Can anybody help on this issue? I want to get rid from HOCD till April 30 as I am joining college, I don't want these thoughts to ruin my college life. Can I achieve this till April 30.

I never want to be lgbt, I want to be with a girl all my life

P.S - I can't get into therapy because where I live there are no therapists and I don't have that much money for books and also I don't want to tell this to anyone because it won't help rather create more problems.

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Go to your GP, you need to be able to be able to understand why you have these compulsions and come to terms with them, then move on. You are it seems abusing yourself and given that it may be affecting your self respect. and you cannot move on to a more holistic approach to your life and know how to move of you to that place you will feel comfortable in, eventually reach a place of understand your needs in a more positive way

Do you have any idea why you are the way you are.

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

GP?

Yes it is affecting my self respect very much. I am never aroused by guys and I never want to be aroused. But scenarios comes and there is always urge to check thoroughly.

I am fearing them that's why I am here. If I don't fear them, again HOCD strikes telling you were not afraid of them, so jump to next thing,(you know what I mean). But what to do about it?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

We are in the UK, GP is a Family Doctor.

Reading what you have written, I would recommend you make an appointment with your Family Doctor, He can arrange a Pathway that can help you come to terms with your conditions.

It seems unfair you are unable to proceed through your Life expectations

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

GP

I am in the UK, it means General Practitioner (Family Doctor)

You really need to discuss your concerns with your Doctor who deals with your General Health Concerns.

He can arrange a treatment Pathway for you to take, You need help to come to terms with your concerns. It seems you are unable to proceed on through your life choices and move on in a more positive manner, so you can move on and meet someone