Feeling Crappy

Woken up today and really not in a good head space. Still taking my pills everyday to try and keep above water but isn't working today. Just woke up thinking about everything that's happened to me, even things I haven't thought about for years and just realized that even though I am surrounded by people, I am totally alone. When I think about some of the things I have experienced, I'm surprised that I am still alive to be honest and not drugged up in a ditch somewhere. I have always been put behind everyone else and thought of last.

Even yesterday, I bought a house end of last year and have done a lot of decorating, so I invited my mum. step dad and sister and brother in law over to see all the work we had done, baring in mind they have been there once in the four months I bought the place, yet my mum goes to my sisters (who is 8 minutes drive from mine) once a fortnight. I invited them all over and then suggested we go out for dinner. I told them to come over 1-2 hours before dinner so we could chill for a bit and then head to the restaurant and then go back to mine after for a little while. They all turned up 15 minutes before we had to leave for the restaurant and then left straight after dinner. But if it was the other way round and we were going to any of their houses, we would be there for hours.

It has always been this way, I have always been treated differently and I don't understand why. I thought I was a nice person, so why do people treat me like such crap. There are a million things I can think of that just keep running through my mind.

14 years old on Holiday where my sister made me sit outside the hotel room for 4 hours in the cold because she didn't want me in there with the friends we made on holiday, yet my step sister was allowed. 15 years old when my dad attacked me in the street, made me unconscious and I had to go to hospital. Then the same day, I was sexually assaulted. 16 years old when I was drugged and raped.

These are just a couple of the things running through my mind all day, but I won't go on.

It's just not fair

[HiAnxiety]

Hi LucyJBanks

I am so sorry you are feeling like this but please be kind enough to yourself - you have been through so much in life it's totally understandable that you can struggle.

In my experience families can be hellishly difficult. Since being a child I often felt like the odd one out in mine- like I'm on a completely different wavelength as we don't seem to have anything in common.

Friends were extra important to me, my chosen family. Do you have a good support network in your friends?

When I had a breakdown 12 years ago a lot of my 'friends' disappeared I'd gone from being the supportive mother hen of the group to needing help myself and most fled. It was heartbreaking at the time but actually helped me to find out who really cared for me the way I did for them. Surprisingly my relationship with my Mum evolved into a really positive one and now my Mum and my Sister are the two closest people to me.

I have been having poor mental health again (it seems to come on cycles every few years) I try to break things down into chunks and lists.

Acknowledgement of your thoughts however odd they are is big- let yourself think about them for a time. It's normal to react to these thoughts and feelings. Process them for a while but then think that you cannot control what has happened in the past. Try and think about a positive thing no matter how small or silly that happened at that time or came out of the situation (eg how much money I now save on not buying presents for fake friends= more treats for me! 😆)

Distraction is next- to save myself from obsessing other the thoughts I will then try to take my mind elsewhere for a bit. (Watch clips of my favourite comedians/ listen to podcasts/ dance like an idiot/ crafts/ breathing exercises.

Then remember that you are not alone, you are a good person and deserve love and support. (Even if that comes from a rambling anonymous woman writing an essay in reply to your post!)

Today might be a bad day but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Thinking of you and sending hugs.

[Hidden in reply to HiAnxiety]

That is exactly it. Completely the odd one out. They are posh totty and I am just not like that at all and my mum is just ashamed of what I am. Like when I go out with her, I have to act and look a certain way. I have to cover my tattoos and take out my piercings (even though I am not covered in them). I can't be myself because she's embarrassed,

Friends?.. What are those lol? I don't have any friends. When I left school, I tried to stay in contact but as I went straight to work and they went to Uni, they all planned things to do when I couldn't go and when I was free, they didn't want to know. So I don't have anyone I can fall back on.

The only thing I have ever wanted is a best friend. Someone I can rely on and fall back on no matter what. Someone who has known me forever and knows everything that has happened. But, I'm not lucky enough to have anyone at all.

I have my boyfriend, but he doesn't quite understand, he tries but he's just not good at it and he doesn't deal with things very well so I don't like talking to him about things a lot of the time because it will just affect him and I can't deal with that on top.

It's hard to distract yourself when you're stuck at work and can't get out to do anything like that. And I am customer facing so have to be happy and supportive and smiley all day. It's exhausting

[HiAnxiety in reply to Hidden]

Oh I feel you :

*tattoos and piercings that are frowned upon!

* Friends went to Uni whilst I stayed working.

* Currently am single but have had boyfriends who just don't get it/can't handle it well so then you try to hide it.

*I work in an inbound call centre - have been off work since October as my anxiety is so high I just can't leave my house without having a melt let alone being calm and productive when customers are shouting and insulting you (and you just wish you don't have to follow the old customer is always right ethos)

I am here for you whether it's to be a listening ear or just someone to vent to and not face judgement from it. (I have a rather ridiculous and dark sense of humour so that can help at times too)

I'll be thinking of you all day and sending positive vibes your way. (It might be clutching at straws if it benefits you at all but I'll give it a damn good go!)

[Hidden in reply to HiAnxiety]

Thanks for your message back. Just feels good to rant about it sometimes than just keep it in

[HiAnxiety in reply to Hidden]

Exactly if I can be of use then feel free to use me whenever

[HiAnxiety]

I hope you are having a better day today?

[Hidden in reply to HiAnxiety]

Not an amazing day but better than yesterday. Found it a little difficult to get out of bed but I made it to work at least.

Thank you x

[HiAnxiety in reply to Hidden]

So glad to hear it's better even if it's only slightly. Absolutely brilliant you did get up and you've made it into work -a big win I'd be really proud of that achievement.

Hugs your way again