My husband and I have been together for 15 years now. He usually struggles with seasonal depression but is able to usually kick it himself and fight it off. This year seasonal didn’t seem to end. He is slipping further into a downward spiral at the moment where it’s hard to get him out of bed on the weekends even if it is something that normally would be important to him. He has attempted to push me and the children away saying he don’t deserve our support however; he has stayed because I told him I promised for better or worse and I would be here to support him through this regardless if he stayed or left. This is about week 2 since he has fully admitted to how he was feeling. I have attempted to support him and be there to listen to him but I don’t know if I am actually helping at all. If anybody has any advice on helping a loved one through depression or if anybody has depression that has advice to help me understand what I should/shouldn’t do to support my husband please share. I feel lost but have also focused on self-care for myself and will continue to do so as I know this is important for me to help him.
Supporting a spouse : My husband and I... - Mental Health Sup...
Supporting a spouse
You need to be firm and kind with someone who has a Depression. It is also a good idea that you both go and see your GP and discuss this Seasonal problem. In my case it is worse in the Winter.
Your husband needs to divert his feeling of depression, I am a firm believer in Diversions and hobbies. These can be more fun especially if diversions, Hobbies can be dome within the family. Does the Family have any interests that can be done with everyone in the household ?.
One thing is to try and talk out what is causing the problem, when I was an Information Officer. Discussions with all involved where a good way to relate to others and also help them see their concerns in the bright light of day, so they would be able to put their problems in the correct context and not dwell on what has passed.
In this day and age most people do not talk, they dwell on what was, is instead of planning for the future. Again to sit down, all together will help
Try Relaxation Technique, MINDFULNESS, books explaining its use can be purchased from Amazon for a minimal sum.
BOB
I love mindfulness and have a book already on this. We do sit down and talk about future goals and have family outings as much as we can between our hectic lifestyle. Although he is open about what he is going through now he don’t really open up about his underlying problems that could be causing it. His does get worse during the winter due to his job having less work so he has a lot of down town and not very active. I’m trying to figure out how to help here also for him before winter hits again. Thank for your advice!
What do you think the cause is for the basic depression, the know the cause sometimes you can both attack the condition ?.
BOB
He had a really bad childhood and lack of forgiveness or fear of being the same or not different from his own family keeps him living in the past. I feel like he has some painful past memories that he holds on and can’t let go. This is only an assumption of what could be the underlying problem. He will talk to me a little about it but won’t really open up about all of it. Then there is the everyday life problems adults face that just add on to it. It makes it harder to manage everyday little problems when bigger problems have not been addressed
He has stated he would be willing to go see somebody as he feels it might help but then he says it would make him feel worse because it would put a strain on our finances. I told him it’s possible to do with our income but I don’t know how to not make him feel bad for spending the money. His health is definitely more important to me and for his children but he sees it as taking away money from something we could give the children. I don’t know how to help him see that we will be ok if he does go and seek help.
I went through a really bad childhood instigated as a child at home and then at school. Eventually my Parents were instigating problems at my Work, my Father would discuss me with my bosses and that made no place to hide. When young I was farmed out to what became my Surrogate family. I also had and still have problems with siblings etc
We moved away and life became like fresh air I had retired and moved on eventually after a family death they managed to find me and it has caused many problems for both me and wife.
He needs to spit out the upset of His past and learn from it. He needs to move on, if it means moving away to avoid family, you need to consider that as a way forward, if possible. I actually found that parental problems towards their children can be pushed onto the child and in turn possibly that sometimes can be passed down the line to their children if in some cases the problems are not addressed. All that happens is like in my case it ruined my confidence and destroyed several relationships with others. He needs to talk it out. I am still unable to trust at sixty nine years old.
If you need to make decisions, make them now not four decades in the future.
Like your husband I have not told the complete story. To do that would make your Hair turn grey.
BOB
Thank you for sharing your story with me. His dad was the most of the problem in the family going as far as staying the only good thing he ever did was marry me but it was much worse when he was a child. His siblings have cut off all ties with his father so he feels like he is the only one who has anything to do with him and he don’t want to leave him alone. I am pretty sure that thought is hard enough in itself. His mom and him have an ok relationship but she seems to brush him off if it’s not convenient for her. He opened up to his mom and brother the other night about his depression they said talking to somebody may help but then continued on by having a match up of who had more problems in the family. His sister is just a mess in many many ways and he feels the need to have to save her because it’s his sister.
These are mainly current things to add to the abuse that he endured as a child or had to watch between his mother and father before they got divorced when he was 12.
We have started with the small everyday annoyances like creating a better schedule/routine/organizational structure around the house which I do know will help some however; I feel like this is also a bandaid and more will need to be done to avoid falling back into a downward spiral later.
He does have support from my family which we do live closer too however he feels like it’s to much of a burden to put on them.
As far as financially I can manage to squeeze in counseling for him in the bills which he said he was open to but then he said it would make him feel worse because he would feel like he is putting a burden on our finances. Should I keep approaching this option to him? I don’t want to be or seem pushy to him but like you said I don’t want to wait until it does get worse. It’s already impacting his days at work and he is getting concerned about the impact the depression is going to have on his job.
We have just taken on my Siblings via a Solicitor and the whole past relationship, I am afraid to say will now open up and fester.
Whatever you do you seem to have very little choice, you all need to move on and live your Life. If family relationships are problematic, you need to cut away from the cause, I feel there is no other way. The problem arises when the instigator is determined to find you and carry on this habit that is destroying your families peace. The other way mentioned before is to spit out the concerns that has brought your husband down. He needs to consider the effect all this is having around your household
With a problem family I found one of my family would turn on the child/adult to blast out regards the family, home of your husband, this can destroy any form of interaction and this will become a negative inheritance and the son can become a whipping boy for all siblings and parents.
You need help to move on, however that can become a problem. I feel sorry for you and Husband, this as said above may be a cut and run in several different ways. Your husband will be distracted by a past well forgotten. I would move heaven and earth to approach my problem and talk it out with you. You need to be able to trust anyone who you confide in, knowing of this type of problem can given the confident a feeling of power from weakness, this is why He needs you and His family and a course of CBT, Your Doctor may be able to help.
If a course of treatment is required, your Doctor may help you find a charity that can help. I gather you are not here in the UK so your situation is different to ours
Are there any Mental Health Day Centres in your area, they can generally council sometimes in a restricted, rationed way. It is better than nothing and it can put your husband back on a positive pathway.
Is your husband on medication, etc
BOB
There are mental health centers within a drive able distance but they charge the same prices as individual therapy. Last week he started taking a medicine that was at a drug store not prescription but it’s supposed to work as well as other depression meds that are prescribed. It’s called SAMe here in the US not sure if you have it there in the UK. It supposed to start helping about 3 weeks into taking the dose everyday so he wants to wait to see a dr until he knows whether this will help.
Hello Luckycharm
I have not heard of this medication however generally speaking it does take time before the medication will work. Not knowing the drug I cannot really advise other than allow five weeks of so to make sure it works.
It is important that He understands and can relate to his condition that is why I recommend CBT. However you are where you are so if possible he will need to cope and understand ways of moving on. You are actually in a prime condition especially if trust and understanding is strong between you, try not to be to critical
Remember when married we are supposed to be able to sit down and talk openly without any type of fear from outside sources. I would advise given your circumstances this may be your best way forward at this time, be broadminded and understanding. I wish you both well
BOB
Thank you for all your help and advise. I am very thankful for how well we communicate openly between us. It has always been the best help so I will continue to keep open communication. He has recently started verbalizing what he feels may help instead of feeling guilty or unworthy of my help. I look at this as a positive step forward. Once again thank you for just taking the time to share and be there to listen. You have been a major help!
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