Chemical depression/dissociation/medication/pain

[OrthocerasMaximus]

I'm on medication at the moment that makes everything very confusing and disorienting. My perception of the world literally changes and becomes quite dreamlike/dissociative. It's week four and I'm still aware it's the drugs but starting to wonder if it'll always be like this somewhere inside my head. People talk to me and I don't understand what they are saying, sometimes it's the auditory processing disorder where I just can't hear what they said and sometimes it's because I'm confused due to medication, sometimes I get confused because of mishearing a couple times and people just give up and move on to talking about something else. This is very frustrating but I understand why they do it so I can't be angry about it. I just wish I could function better than this right now, my relationship has suffered because of my inability to do most things, conversation hasn't flowed in a while unless I've been going through a lucid period and we happen to be with each other at the time. I'm autistic as well so the inability to communicate at times or being unable to communicate in the way that gets what I am saying across because of the medication doesn't mesh well with things like social ineptitude and a lack of executive function. Everything I do right now depends on willpower and even though I've been told I'm doing well going to work and everything, being social with my people and doing well to manage a house and a relationship I still feel like I'm going to crack under the pressure sometime. I'm really lucky that I have people around me who care and want to help, I can call on them any time but I can't discuss things like this with them, they tell me to look on the bright side when I've been dreaming for three days straight which I'm sure some of you know is enough to bring someone in that state into a mini episode or completely shut themselves off to everyone and everything for days. I am aware at all times that the people around me are experiencing a different perception of reality to me and that makes me feel lonely because all I want to do is join them back on their plane. I want to be able to keep up with the conversation and not feel like a dumbbell sitting in the corner, seriously at times in social situations I literally had the conversational worth of a door stop. It was humiliating and agonising, seeing my friends looking at me when they thought I couldn't see with strange expressions. I know they were probably worried but it was hurtful and I felt separate from them due to it. I'm in pain all the time lately because of the medication, it relaxes everything and it turns out my back was hiding a lot of things. My muscles are so sore all the time, everywhere, I swear my legs are half dead by the time I've walked to work, it's only 20 mins walk but I'm out of breath by the time I get there. It's worrying me that I'm not able to do things. My arms hurt when I put clothes on in the morning, the muscles in my arms specifically, just moving hurts. I used to be so strong, I could lift 25kg of coal no problem. I'm so frustrated and angry about the muscle loss in strength and how weak I am now, so so much grief, I feel like I'm losing my freedom in a way. I'm at a loss for how to combat any of this.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello OrthocerasMaximus, welcome to this caring, supportive community.

Your post is long and the explanation is very easy to understand. Perhaps writing down how you feel - keeping it short and to the point may help you communicate with your family better. l understand that you are really suffering from a lot of painful areas on your body and that can interfere with your ability to communicate effectively.

Medication should not make the pain worse, it is meant to help so perhaps writing down what you wish to say to your Doctor may help them to understand how you are feeling.

You write well, if a little long, so try to put down how you are feeling in short understandable sentences.

We wish you well, please keep in touch with us.

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse & Moderator.

[OrthocerasMaximus in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you for your kind and constructive response, the medication I'm taking is muscle relaxants called baclofen, it's causing a lot of muscle pain and deep muscle relaxation in a scenario where I've been building muscle since I was 3 1/2 with horse riding, I was very strong as well due to nearly constant stimming throughout my life, muscles always twitching even hen I'm not exercising and so on. It's very confidence knocking to lose the strength I had, literally don't think I could defend myself against anything right now. Mentally I am very strong but I'm worried I'll never get the strength back. I appreciate the pointers on messages, I'm not great at getting to the point verbally or written, I'll try harder to make it more efficient and easier for people to digest