This is really hard for me today and I am feeling really bad about myself...
I start a new job on Monday and due to the circumstances of me leaving my old job I was really upset and needed to talk. I wanted to talk to my mother and this only ended up in an argument, with her telling me that I brought everything on myself (if you read any of my last posts about me leaving my job then you will see I didn't actually bring it on myself). This was at the beginning of March.
Cutting a long story a bit shorter, I went on to have what my GP told me was a "mental breakdown" where upon I was in hospital for a short time. My mother didn't even come to the hospital to see me. I couldn't tell you that last time she did see me, although she had sent a couple of text messages?
I thought I would send her a text message today and just said I hoped she was OK today. She sent me a message back saying she was fine but that she was visiting her sister. My aunt took a stroke a few months ago and since this happened my mother has never been away from her door. I should add my aunt is not without her own family and they look after her very well. I felt really angry when I read that she was away visiting her ... again....
I kept thinking how she couldn't come and see me when I really needed her but she is constantly looking out for her sister. She has to get 2 buses to her sister's house but I live within 10 minutes walking distance. I visited her every weekend, even when I was working but for the last 2 months now she has known that I didn't have a job and she didn't come near me. She doesn't even know I am starting a new job on Monday.
Anyway, I sent her a text message and told her EXACTLY how I felt. There was no point in calling her as she doesn't let you speak.
She called me from her home earlier this afternoon and started shouting and bawling at me. She didn't let me speak and when she was finished she just hung up and I didn't get a chance to say anything.
I feel I have been so horrible to her but I can help feeling disappointed too. I told her I felt that she had turned her back on me. I have to accept that I don't think she really cares and I am really hurting. The one person you should be able to turn to is your mother. I would do anything for my son and to think of him lying in a hospital bed and me not going to see him is just not on!!
I just feel so down and horrible today..
XXXX
Written by
En1234
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PS I forgot to add that my mother's sister..?? Before she took her stroke..?? didn't give my mother the time of day and my mother used to talk badly about her and her other sisters...to me!!. So its not as if they were even close..??
Thank you for that Hyper! She is a very cold person. Someone told me once that you can start to deal with things when you find "acceptance". I have finally accepted that she is not the mother I want or need in my life..... and maybe later when she has calmed down she will realise that it was actually ME who sent HER a text message today asking HER if SHE was OK? I will not be doing it again.
Thank you for being a good friend and loads of hugs back to you.
Hi En I can emphasise with that. I learned long ago not to tell my mother anything or expect anything from her except screaming and yelling at me or saying it was all my own fault. I was in a psychiatric hospital back in '73 when I was 19. Ok it was around 200 miles away but I was there for around 3 months, and not one of my family came to see me. I remember being very lonely and desperate one evening and rang her begging and pleading with her to come as I needed her. The result? She shouted and yelled at me and made me feel tons worse. I was devastated. I realised at the age of 19 that I couldn't depend on my family and was completely on my own. A lesson I had to learn far too young. This changed my relationship with her and the rest of my family forever.
Since then I have a hard job of asking anyone for any help and always managed on my own coz I could only depend on myself. I have been trying to change that in the last few years as we all need help sometimes.
I spent many fruitless years wishing I had a warm supportive family like others did but I turned away from her and the rest of them and sought the love and approval I needed elsewhere. This is what you need to do I'm afraid as you will never change her and you can't get blood out of a stone. So stop expecting what she can't give and leave her out of the equation in future. You are only hurting yourself. Protect yourself from her with emotional and maybe physical bounaries too. This is all you can do.
My mother was on the phone just now and asked me if I could pass my phone to my son so she could speak to him. He had her on speaker phone and I could hear every word she was saying. She said she didn't know what was going on in our house and was asking if he was ok. My son told her I was drinking "all the time" then he told her that it was just last night. I did have some wine last night but I didn't do anything wrong. I watched telly and slept. I am worried sick about my son not having a job but he is starting college in August. Apparently he is not entitled to any money from the state because he will be going to college. He has no money to speak of and I have told him that I will help him but I cant stop worrying its as if my mind wont switch off. Between losing my job, having my breakdown, being in the hospital this falling out with my mother and now I am taking on my son's problems. I am a sensible person and I know alcohol is not the answer but I just wanted something to numb me for a while.
My son gave me my phone back and I was in bits. I told her I could hear everything they were saying about me. She said she doesn't know what is going on with me and I said she hasn't been near me in weeks, even when I was in hospital she didn't come near me.. She started shouting and bawling at me down the phone about how she wasn't "allowed" to come to my home, apparently I told her this. I never would have said this. I told her she had already bawled me out today and she wasn't doing it for a second time and she just snarled that I was a "drama queen". Now I just cant stop crying and wish I wasn't here. I cant do this.....
2. Watch the danger signals coming from your mother and learn the games she is playing. Then cut her off or refuse to engage with her any more whilst she is yelling at you. Not easy but you must start doing this to protect yourself. Forget being a 'nice' person and start being more self assertive. Your mother won't change so you have to change the way you deal with her. Refuse to collude with her so she can have a go at you. Then decide she is never going to make you cry again - ever. I did that when I was 25 and it worked - she never made me cry again.
One day in my 40's a sister and I had a fall out and she ran off to my mother to tell tales. When I got there they both verbally attacked me and were unbelieveably nasty. I looked at their eyes snapping with joy at 'getting' me. I refused to take part in their assassination of my character and spoke very calmly. My sister kept working herself up to keep attacking me, but my mother calmed right down. At the end I turned to them both in turn and said 'I don't know you and I don't know you. Then I walked out. Ok I was very upset after but didn't let them see that. I wouldn't have anything to do with either of them for 3 months until a friend tricked me into seeing them. But my mother never tried that one again - ever. She had met a brick wall and she learned to respect me. I realised she respected strength and didn't want to take me on again.
You need to do something similar and set your boundaries for your own self protection. x
It is never to early or late to go with your heart. Leave before it is broken toxic family will break your heart and control your will to achieve and move on
One this type of attitude starts, it will get worse and your will get kicked more and more as toxic attitudes in family become a habit and you will fail to move on. I left it too late, my Mother is still controlling in her death. Sometimes being without family you will not be lonely as you will not be the victim of others and you will move on with confidence and be more in control with your life
Thank you Bob!! I just cant believe it has got this bad. But your right.. XXX
Always here to chat if needed.
Whatever you do you need to nip all this in the bud. It is important to know when to cut and run Try not to leave it to long, I had over fifty years of it and now I do not feel I have a family. I left the whole thing far to long
BOB
Sorry to hear you're suffering. I would suggest that this relationship with your mother has been going on for quite some time and it sounds incredibly unhealthy. Not only is she abusing you are not supporting you she is able to make you feel guilty after you stand up for yourself. You're going to have to learn to put some boundaries up and let your mother know clearly what you will and won't tolerate from her, she probably never will give you the support that you need and you need to come to terms with that. If you don't you're going to be trapped in a cycle for ever. Sometimes we have to take a step back from family members just for our own mental health. We can all find new kinds of family. I've never had a mother or father but I've been able to look to other people. Wishing you only the very best.
Send the energy back where it came from, you are not a horrible person at all, learn to love yourself, and send that negativity back where it belongs, baby steps, enjoy new job, sending hugs xxxx
My therapist said something which helped me alot, my mum was neglectful, absent and chose drink and drugs over me and my older brother, i was fighting for a relationship with her because I felt I needed it she's my mum.
I was told to think of a responsibility rope between 2 people. Eg. I tried to communicate with my mum about the bad stuff, she didn't want to hear it I still put effort in, sent her money when she needed it listened and supported her and in turn was sucked into her void. So I took responsibility I told her that it's a relationship with 2 of us and I wanted out of the cycle (There's alot more to it I'm trying to get the concept across) I now have no contact from my mum neither do her grand children. I've left it open for her to come to me but she won't. I see it now like waiting for a bus I don't know when it will come. Where it will stop I could stand still and wait but. I may aswell keep walking see the rest of were the road goes. And if that bus comes I'll jump on I'll give it a chance. But I can always jump off it's not going the direction I want.
I would like to say Thank You to all the comments and advice I have received in relation to this post. To be honest, I was actually a bit wary of posting at all because I thought I would have received comments like "She's your mother, you cant speak about your mother like that" etc. I felt really guilty that I even POSTED it. I know today I a NOT a horrible person. I was always there for my mother, but over the last couple of months she has said some really nasty things to me and obviously when I had my breakdown and ended up in hospital, she was the one who I expected to see but she chose to stay away. I could never imagine doing that to my son. The fact that she phoned yesterday to speak to my son in order to interrogate him about me and "what was going on with me", just goes to show you how sly a person she is. I would have been happy to speak to her but her shouting and bawling at me makes me not WANT to speak to her.
I know she is not good for me and I don't want to keep feeling like this, so I think it is best if I do put some distance between us. I am getting ready to go for a walk with 3 people I know and I am determined to have a good day today. I start my new job on Monday and I want to go in feeling excited and looking forward to it, not with a black cloud hanging over me.
I have told my son that if his gran calls and asks any questions about me then he has to tell her that anything she wants to know, she will have to speak to me and not him. Its not fair that she is putting him in a position either.
I AM a natural worrier and have been worried about my son too. The fact that he is starting college again in August is great but he has no job or income until then and I was worrying that we would not be able to manage. Hence the reason for my wine binge on Wednesday night. This did not help my situation, it made it worse. I know we will be fine, I think I just panicked but my mum didn't help matters either.
Today is a new day and I am going to start to try to "live for the moment" instead of worrying about what is or isn't going to happen in the future, but if I can do this with a clear head then I know I will be OK.
Hyper, you are so right about the "nice" thing. It is OK to be nice but sometimes I think maybe I am a bit "too nice" and when this happens other folk think they can wipe their feet on you, so "assertive" is what I am going to practice. Thank you for that!!
Thank you all again - much appreciated. XXXXX
We have pathways we need to follow, we can do without cracks in the flagstones especially from our own family members. We meet enough grief in life from others we pass along the way. Parents can try and control their children and this habit needs to be stopped especially if they are Adults that have determined goals and see the light at the end of the tunnel, to achieve their aims in life. Life is to complex to be held back by people who are supposed to love and support us.
I know Bob, you're right. I think the reason I am feeling so down about my mother is that I was always there for her but in my time of crisis she was nowhere to be seen, so I do feel really let down by her.
Yesterday she sent me a text message saying we could "speak" if I came over to her house, so yet again it would have been on her terms and on her territory. I just ignored the message as I was not in the frame of mind to answer her as I was still reeling from her bawling at me the previous day. I spent my day walking with friends and I laughed like I have not laughed in a long time.. I was determined I was going to enjoy my day yesterday and I am glad to say that I did!!
I got up early this morning and got ready to go into town to get some things for Monday for when I start my new job. She sent me another text message this morning saying she was taking my nephew out for the day if I wanted to go with them? I sent her a message back saying I had made plans for my day but thanked her for inviting me along and that as the weather was so lovely I hoped they both had a nice day. I kept it very polite and also mentioned that I was starting a new job on Monday. Her reply was "I hope you have a nice day too". So that's that!!
I look after me for now. I always seem to bend over backwards for other people and their troubles and get nothing in return when its my life that is not going so well..
No matter what age you are, it seems that life is always teaching you a lesson and I have learned some very harsh lessons over the past few months..... but I AM learning!!
Hope you are having a good day Bob!!
Lots of love to you!!
XXX
I always felt My Mother hated men, and She could be so unpleasant to my Dad although talking to her she thought He was marvelous it was my Sisters, us girls must stick together and blow the Men
Before my Father died, He said that do not expect anything from your Mother and this was reinforced about ten years ago when we really needed to move on when I reached sixty.
My Mother could not see why a man should get a third part of the inheritance and given the past, We were both in an impossible place.
She died earlier this year and my youngest Sister bent heaven and earth to find me as we had moved away from our original home and never explained or told anybody where we had gone. We went to the funeral, we were both made very uncomfortable and would not sit next to my family because of it. We did not go to the Wake, they can become very stressful. I had only seen my Sisters twice in twenty or so years, so stressed was the relationships.
We are mentioned in the Will ???, although, a will is just a financial statement we both feel I will be on a hiding for nothing, so we will be getting a copy of the Will next week, if there are any evil stipulations our Lawyer will deal, He knows the History. My family seems they may try and Slander me, we could see something going on at the service. Money broadens any greed and some people will do anything for a legacy and that can be a blunt instrument at a funeral and after at the Wake. All bets are off within a very short time, I really do have still a family that seems to be from Hell
We will not let Her get at us in death as she did do in sixty years of life. My health cannot allow that to happen.
If your Mother is sincere make that approach although you may be on a hiding for nothing.
Here I just want to get on with my last years and enjoy my life, any money I get ?? will be spent on a power boat to sail around Scotland Lol
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Feel like ending things, really had enough
I just need advice 
Feeling down and like a failure
I just feel stuck
