Hopeless!? xxTrigger Warning xx

Starting to believe that I won’t get better. I’m tired of trying and beyond disappointed in myself right now. Mental illness is no joke. I wish I was normal ! I’m over this life !

[LoriMS61]

Who wants to be normal? There’s no such thing really. There’s just the face we show everybody that pretends that our lives are wonderful and everything is fine.

I think part of mental health is when the mask slips, or you can’t keep it in place any more. But that reveals the real you.

When you are in the depths of depression and you can only look inward and you hate what you see it is beyond awful. The suffering you experience from hating yourself is just exhausting.

I’ve suffered (emphasis on suffered) from depression on and off for probably 20 years, and anxiety. I’ve tried lots of medications and lots of therapies but I’m still not mentally well. You know what though? I’ve learned to accept that. Some days I almost forget it. During the summer (suffer from SAD) I can bask in the sun and practice mindfulness and I can feel at peace.

I can then be triggered by something that sends me back in to the abys. Sometimes I am able to notice it happening and other times I’m blind to it, and I’m stuck there until I can crawl back out.

Recovery isn’t a straight line, and self compassion seems to be the key to fighting. I’ve given up on waiting to get better and have just learned to accept I am who I am.

I hope this helps. I’ll listen if you need to talk.

Lori

[Hidden]

Thank you for responding. I loved your response and vibes. Believe it or not your words have helped me in a sense of a “friendly reminder” so to speak. When I tend to start my downward cycle, I forget everything that I’ve read, practiced, discussed in therapy, journaled and so forth. Or rather nothing holds importance to me during the cycle.

I still have yet to pinpoint my triggers. I’m not exactly sure how to pinpoint my triggers, to be honest. I guess I’ll mention that during my next therapy session if I can remember. You mentioned how “...you’re stuck there until you’re able to crawl back out” , I hate that part. That moment brings me nothing but added anxiety and frustration because I know I’m being watched and I have so much to do. I don’t want people to get the wrong impression of me. Sometimes I can push myself to get up and crawl out but I’m not completely present ( my body is there but that’s it) and other moments I literally can’t move.

I’m really tired of being tired. I want to get better so to speak because I don’t know how much longer my resources are going to be available. Being lonely during this battle is scary. That’s why I downloaded this app. In hopes to make supportive friends similar to myself. It’s depressing to look at my phone and realize I can’t text or call a person who knows about my mental condition. And I don’t want to open up to people that think they know about mental illness but don’t only to get misjudged and hurt because they’re miseducated.

I think I’m still fighting to accept who I am. Some days are bearable and I feel as though I have a grip. Then the next minute I can’t accept it. My initial diagnosis was severe depression and anxiety until around last July.

SN: I’m a really loving person that loves helping others and gives advice when appropriate.

[Delzek]

Hi BBPDbabe, Why oh why do you want to be normal? What is normal? Your Normal? My normal? Or Societies Normal ? There is no Normal there is acceptable behaviour, acceptable dress, and acceptable Lifestyle! I don't like my physical or Mental health problems but am doing"MY" best to get better even though my physical side will only get worse! I can still do something about my mental health! But I don't want to be a Robot or a Sheep like so many other people I see from my window day in day out. Be proud of the achievements you are making ,let others worry about the relapses ,if you're doing"Your" best that's all that matters! Life can treat us like c*ap ,we can be dealt a bad hand but it's learning to like yourself even the little things others may feel odd, it's you that's important , don't be a leper, don't throw your hand in use it to the best of your ability that's enough to beat it all ! All the best Derek