41 years of marriage and I have decided I can't live with a man who lies and cheats. He wasn't like this until about 2 years ago. It's like he's lost his mind. I've kept in shape, try to look good for him, have his supper cooked every day, do his wash, clean, and all the rest of what I believed was being a good wife. It wasn't enough. I'm dying a slow death but I'll rise again. I'll rise to be better than ever. If it doesn't kill me first. I've never hurt and grieved so bad in my life. I still love this man. At least I loved the man I thought he was. I'm not doing so well at coping with this life-changing ordeal. It's the worst thing I've ever face and I've faced the devil himself. I'm 61 and don't even know who I am anymore.
DEAD WOMAN WALKING: 41 years of... - Mental Health Sup...
DEAD WOMAN WALKING
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MsTree
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62 Replies
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Hi I can't blame you. I think he is taking advantage of your good nature so personally I would stop looking after him. He doesn't deserve your love and care if he is behaving like this. It's very sad after 41 years and I presume you have tried to sort this out with him but it's not good for your own mental health to have to live like this. I wish you the best whatever you decide. x
thank you hyper. he took advantage of my trust as well. He didn't count on me being a cyber P.I.
Love that concept " cyber P. I"
Your soul is crying out - please listen to it.
I was in your shoes in 2003 and adjusting to a new and healthier life was very hard because I learned a lot about myself and the distortions of my own thoughts and beliefs and how they contributed to my accepting unacceptable behavior from another human being. Where did your beliefs about being a " good wife" come from?
Our spirits are not suppose to die in loving relationships; in healthy relationships both partners are respectful of each other, care for each other, compromise and make sacrifices for each other, are honest, loyal and honor their commitment and the boundaries of marriage.
He's not the person whose mind was lost. What ever made you think you had to do all those things for a man to be loved? What has he done for you?
I hope you find the courage within yourself to follow your heart and allow your spirit to be revived - it won't be easy but deep down you know that you deserve so much more - when I started to value myself, I found the strength to leave.
I wish you well.
Great reply PNI and I couldn't agree more. x
Thanks, when I was in her exact spot, I could never have foreseen a healthier future or that I would ever write anything like I just did. I have come so far and yet, never been in another intimate relationship as I put my own health and wellbeing first so I could be a healthier partner in the future if that should ever occur.
I stayed much too long myself, putting my mental and physical wellbeing at risk from which I am still recovering. I have multiple chronic health issues from sacrificing my own needs in the same way. In recovery, it nearly blew my mind to realize all the things I did not understand about myself and some of my coping behaviors and distorted beliefs about myself and others and the devastating impact of how childhood experiences had distorted my view of myself, the world and the people in the world with whom I was in relationship.
My journey continues ...these communities where it is free to be authentic and real as given me a "family of support" like no other.
I am glad you did leave in the end and that you are recovering. It is a slow process isn't it! I love this site too and have talked about a lot of stuff I have never told anyone before and it's very cathartic. I always watch out for your replies as you come across a loving and caring person and you talk a whole load of sense.
Hope you are having a good day. x
Me, too - felt safe here to share things I haven't been open about before - it's made all the difference, the support here is incredible.
Thank you for those kind words,hypercat54, I am very grateful ...when I learned to be loving and caring to myself my whole world inside and out changed forever.
Yes mine did too. I fully realised this when my mother was old and frail and I felt compassion and mercy for her, attributes which she never had. I realised I couldn't treat her as she had me coz I knew better. The moral high ground if you like. x
I'm re-reading all of these replies. Yesterday my focus was distorted by tears and pain. Today, at least for a while, I feel somewhat better. These words encourage me for the future. My life has been and will continue to be grounded in the Lord.
I have finally found that strength, I never felt loved for who i was. My looks was all anybody saw. I wanted love so bad and I've never known love. How it feels to be cherished for my heart and soul.
Wise words. Thank you.
Deep inside you, MsTree, is your own deep resilient wisdom as well, born of disappointment and betrayal- as you recover you will mine it like a search for gold - your brightest days are ahead. I am excited for you.
On the hard days, please come here and let us support you with listening ears and hearts.
Your words help tremendously. It's hard to come out from under emotional and verbal abuse. Borderline physical abuse. A fist in my face. I've turned into a hermit afraid of hearing the phone ring. I don't back down, don't get me wrong. I told him "Go ahead, you gotta go to sleep sometime!" This started after he had been in Iraq in 2009. He had never even raised his voice to me before then. I guess I've been waiting on something to change back like it used to be, but it didn't. I have my grandson to think about. He's autistic. I don't know why this is happening in my life, it just is. It's real and I can't sugar coat it any longer.
I don't think that any of us realize how men like your husband are impacted on tours in places like that. We all have the same choices to get help or not, to stay stuck or move beyond traumatic circumstances. But it isn't easy, it is hard for everyone.
Wow! You are managing a lot with interpersonal trauma between you and your husband and the care of your grandson. Are you blessed with good, close friends? A home church? To heal, we need people we can trust and feel safe with after experiences like you describe.
I was torn about my decision for years after we separated; I loved the man I married, but I didn't recognize the man I was living with. I just knew that I felt like I was dying inside and I couldn't do for him what he needed to do for himself. I was always so confused and conflicted in my feelings because we had some great times too, I rationalized the abuse. It took me a long time to accept that he knew what he was doing.
Two years after our separation in 2003, he called to say that "I never did cheat on you but I did tell you things on purpose to make you think that." Something snapped inside me and I have never been the same since. I became paralyzed with fright realizing that I did not know this man the way I thought I did.
I've been chasing my tail like a pup with fleas. We also have 2 prescription addict grown children. My son went to prison twice. My daughter abandoned her family, 2 little boys. They were both educated nurses. Their downfall came when my son-in-law had an affair with my daughter-in-law. My oldest son ran off with the neighbors' wife. My best friend was killed in a head-on collision with a drunk driver. She was on her way to pick me up for my birthday. She was buried on my birthday. My husband was in Africa at the time. My mother died a few months ago. I've already half raised 3 other grandchildren. I took on too much but on the other hand, I didn't have a choice over their choices. My husband felt lonely I'm sure. However, he's left me feeling lonely plenty of times and I didn't cheat on him. None of this bizarre stuff was of my choosing. It fell on me like a boulder. It's no excuse for his bad choices. He could have just talked to me like a normal human being. He hasn't told me he loves me in so many years I can't remember. Oh, but he says he shows it. HAHAHA Shows it by putting his fist in my face and yelling and cursing me and cheating on me. That's a joke. I want to yell F Y'all and take my grandson and leave. But that's not so easy.
My heart and chest hurt reading your post, tears swelled my eyes. I understand why you posted as a " dead woman walking". My own head is swimming with " sensory overload".
Have you ever spoken these things outloud before?
Can I ask what the state of your physical health is? You are carrying a crippling load of heartache, MsTree.
My eldest son went to prison, too. This is not something I openly talk about. He gave up my infant grandson at 6mos when he realized his gang- life was not a healthy environment in which to raise his son. My heart was crushed as yours has been so often.
I am heartsick that you have had so many losses in your life. Have you had grief counselling support?
Sorry to hear about your Mom and your best friend - keeping you in my prayers
It's been impossible to get to an appointment of any kind because my special needs grandson either won't stay with anybody but mr=e or no one wants to stay with him while I go. I've relied on the guidance of the Good Lord. It blows me away how God has carried me through all this. To have my husband try to make me out to be crazy is as much a TKO as his cheating. My health has gone into decline. I developed a skin itch from nerves. Neurodermatitis. I was in the hospital for 8 days and home health for 6 weeks. I never fully recovered from the osteomyelitis. I run a fever every day. SOmetimes it's over 100 degrees. I really don't expect to live much longer if things can't improve.
I am sorry to hear that - I think I would like to send you a private message if that is ok?
that is fine. I need someone
I totally agree. I guess I am old school on the cooking and all. I thought it made me a more perfect person. I have low self esteem even though I've been told all my life I was beautiful. I never believed it. I thought I was so ugly they just felt sorry for me. I need help, I know I do. My life has always been hard and I learned to cope by trying to be perfect.
Hello, how are you today? I’m so sorry you’ve and still are going through the things you have and are.
I could have written it myself except for grandkids.
I was a what I call 1950’s housewife and looked after everyone put up with all sorts of abuse, cheating and lying husband. I have mental health issues due to childhood abuse then life long abuse too.
I had prepared myself to carry on until the end. I was struggling so much and felt everything was my fault so I put up with it all. Every man lied and abused me in various ways.
All along I’ve had on/off therapy and have a fantastic trauma therapist who is really helping me to understand life.
I also gave ME and Fibromyalgia.
I’ve almost given up so many times but my daughter deserves better than that!!
BUT... I met my now partner ranfomnky when I thought that part of life was over. We eventually moved in together. It was so hard because of my trust issues, I’m continuing with therapy and realise that it was the men previously who were toxic and with the love and support with my normal, kind, respect partner well it’s taught me so much about life, myself and the rubbish I put up with. I’m nearly 58 and having normal is taking time to figure out but I’m starting to trust, love, be loved, have a best friend who’s there for me. So I’m trying to say, please see if you can leave, lean on friends and believe that you deserve better. You are a good, giving and loving person. Your kids and grandkids are fortunate to have you, your husband doesn’t deserve you. I know starting again is difficult but I’m so glad I did and have what most people take an normal. Best wishes! Hugs Sally xx
hi sorry that your going through this no one deserves to be cheated on man or woman.if you don't love someone anymore its easier to walk out the door no one needs an excuse to walk out and leave if the relationship has broken down.cheating means being a cheat liar deceitful dishonest and many more.ive been with my partner 9 years this august she came to live with me and my dad for a holiday as she lived in London.on the day she went home my mobile broke.she gave me a spare one she had to mine got fixed I sent her a message to say I hope she got her train ok and saw other messages.some of the messages where xrated but I gave her the benefit of the doubt then as we had not long got together.december 17 I found out my dad had cancer so logged on to activate my fb account but my mrs forgot to log out of hers.just as I was about to go log nosiness got the better of me and I discovered she and was still in contact with him and he was still sent her xrated messages.so has my whole relationship been a sham that's the million dollar question.you deserve better and sound like your ready to make a break go for it and get your happy life back even if it means being single for a period.
I am so sorry for this Ken. Have you managed to sort things out between you now? x
never brought it up the guy was supposed to be a family friend my step son even had his name as a middle name but she removed it after I found out he was still sending messages.and I got on this bus nearly every day for years same regular driver in my area.my mrs usually wore dresses and sat at the front of the bus with the kids.this driver befriended her because she was new to the area turns out he was staring up her skirts and only befriendd her for perverted reasons.my mrs was charging her phone at night and asked if I would bring it in when I went to bed.as I pickd up the phone I dropped it on the floor I picked up stuck the battery put the back on.switched on the phone to chec it was working hey presto tons of xrated messages from the bus driver.
Oh dear. x
That's how I feel. Like it was all a lie.
I will never be in a relationship again. I have nothing against men in general, but I don't need the drama of a relationship. I'll never trust anyone again. But I won't be bitter about it. I just want to be happy and spread the sunshine. And these dark moments and days will pass into a beautiful sunny day...
That's what happened in my case. I didn't have a cell and the landline was dead. My hubs wasn't close by so I grabbed his phone. That was 7 months ago and I haven't found the courage to give up on my marriage until now. I'm sick of the lies and can't live with a liar and cheater. He wasn't always like this.
yeah I want to trust her I do love my mrs but that to m is total betrayal im trying but im stuck in a bit of a time warp and its hard to move on like I did before.everyone deserves a chance but how many does it take before you say enough is enough.
I'm also raising our special needs grandson. As cheaters will do, they turn into the victim and TRY to make you believe it's your fault they cheated.
He sounds like a narc! x
Oh, I just figured that out. Most definitely he is a narcissist
There is lots of info online about narcs. Have a look at Psych Central. I understand they will never change no matter what you do. They need a narc supply and aren't willing to let go of 'victims'. x
When I asked him to leave our home, police were present on the property. I never called them, my youngest son did. He actually called a friend he knew who worked security and he arranged it, responding to my son's concern.
The theatrics that happened that afternoon I wished I had video - he told officer he was afraid of my son who loved him as the only father he'd ever known. Hurt us both deeply, but it was then I knew I had made the right decision.
I have never said this outloud.
Thank you so much for sharing PNIAuthor60. When I read your words I can see they come from the heart; they are so deepfelt and therefore so very helpful to another person as the truth is powerful.
MsTree, you sound like a strong and confident woman, not like a “dead woman walking”. You may be emotionally bankrupt but you’re more like a “strong woman walking”. I hope you are able to leave with your head high knowing you were the best wife that you could be. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.
He lied to control your feelings with the hope you'll remain conflicted and stay in the relationship.
Bless you, I really feel for you MsTree. I have been there, although my marriage only lasted 14 yrs. It broke my heart! Your worth so much more than all he is now. I do strongly believe we all change over the years? I know the man I was married to was not that same man when he reached 41 yrs old. you say he lies and cheats? Please don't waste any more time with this person, its like a bereavement (the man you married is not that same man.) Be on your own, you deserve so much more he is a complete and utter Selfish B?????D!
Get some help from therapy if you can afford it as you may still love him, like I did when we finished. Thinking of you xx
I do still love him. I told him to leave but he won't go. If I have to get a restraining order i will
He wont go? Oh My God! I hope you can get help soon please keep fighting to get rid of this man. It is hard when you still love him but if he is like X he is not the same man you married so you are only in love with the man who he was, as I bet you wouldn't marry him as he is with you now? x Keep in touch if you want to I know you may be in hell and feel so lonely at the mo x
I do feel lonely. He has his women. I have no one. I'm okay for a while, then I'm not. Then I am. up and down
Morning MsTree its the same a bereavement (even though he's still there!) He has moved on to someone else. It is lonely, but my x left me when he was 42 for a bloody 18 yr old. Believe me you are in a crap place, but at least you know how he has no respect for you and the Trust you have with him is gone. I look back now and realise he done me a favour as I didn't love the man he had become. You need to talk and certainly need to find a way to get him out of your life. Go to get some Therapy when you feel ready. You are still very raw and upset. The B?????D is not worth any more of your time or love xx
He won't go. I have a special needs grandson I am raising and can't just walk out the door. A restraining order means nothing. It would make things worse. I'm going to make it out of this somehow.
Hi MsTree
My stomach did somersaults when I've read all these comments being cheated on is the lowest of the lowest anyone could ever to to their partner this situation you are in happened to me and it literally devastated me I felt like I'd been literally hit by a swinging boulder this situation even added to my depression and anxiety if not made it a 100 times worse.. how another person could go out of their way and deceive another person like this who they claim to love is mind blowing to me..when people say go with your gut feeling then do so...I've been with my now husband for 20 years but in the beginning it was perfect I fell hook line and sinker for this man was with him for 5 years and just had this gut feeling something weren't right.he would drink alot become mind messing would put me down would treat me like crap there was no explanation for this so I got suspicious I became like someone from CSI !!!! When he came home he would have a shower I would check his boxers for evidence smell his clothing for perfume..check his phone you name it I did it I even got a thick roll of selotape and went to his car and on my passenger seat headrest I covered it in tape and took it of and was covered in long black hairs mines blonde....I felt sick and cried all the time he was out that evening then I thought "what are you doing how as one man got you to this point your better than this" I was desperate and irrational I became this person I didn't recognize and I didn't like what I turned into...I was always strong confident and I loved life...now I was a nervous wreck who dodnt eat and blamed myself for his dishonesty..that night I must of rang him 20 times and went to voicemail 2am came still no sign of him coming home then his number came up on my phone and I answered it I was relieved but to my shock I heard heavy breathing I thought it was a prank call until I realised what it was it was my fella having s## with this woman so I immediately but the phone down I was sick and I'll.. I was broken I couldn't function all I could do was cry...he came back about a hour later we argued and had a huge fight he finally admitted to his affair found out he was seeing her for 2 years and the reason I got the phone call was because his bit on the side rang me while they were in bed together she said she wanted me to hear what I wasnt getting but she was !!!! ....I will admit I was absolutely traumatised I wont lie to you it broke me I left him moved in with my mum hated men wasnt Noway interested in any other men..about a year after my mum died of cancer he was around for my mum and me he was my rock and we got back together we are now married got married after 2 years I love him so much but I cant trust him no more I dont check anything anymore I will never let anyone get me that way ever again especially not him we been back together for 12 years now if he ever cheated again I would definitely walk for good without a care in the world when we argue I throw what he did to me ar him I am numb and careless I have no feeling or care at all but he made me into who I am he planted this seed so he will deal with what hes made me into...i look at him and love him but i couldn't put myself through that again...we deserve better we shouldn't have to cope with feeling so bad about ourselves blame ourselves for their mistakes we are worth so much more the minute you pick yourself up you will be stronger than ever before trust me he will crawl with his tail between his legs when things go pearsshaped because they will and either way you will be strong and fond find yourself again
So sorry for the long post
Nat xx
Thank you for replying to me. I know those feelings you are describing. That's how I have been. It's driven me insane. I'm getting a divorce after 41 years of marriage. I don't care how long we've been together. I decided it's not an endurance race. I throw in the towel. I can't be around him knowing what I know. It makes me sick because it wasn't just one, It was several. I don't forgive him. I can't forgive him for trying to make me feel crazy when all along I was right. What he's done to me is unforgivable. And I'm raising our special needs grandson. How dare he do this to our family. How dare he. I'd rather be alone in a dark closet than be with him anymore. F--- him.
I wish I had your strength 41 years you dedicated your life to this man and this is how he repays you like you say how dare he you dont deserve to go through this and to have your grandson to raise to... I'm a grandmother myself too so I know how important they are to us..you just start to take care of you and put yourself first and you keep doing a fabulous job of raising your grandson..my heart really does go out to you I do feel your pain your much stronger than you think like you say how dare he do this to you and what you built
Nat
Thank you for the encouraging words. I'm in a crying spell as I type. It will pass. It always does. Dying inside is a tough thing. I really am dying inside. I hope to become a stronger person after all of this. I'm so very weary of suffering.
After winter...must come spring.
Everything I've read above moved me. You are incredibly strong. You deserve good things and good people by your side - that will come again.
Warm cwtches from Wales (they're hugs anywhere else in the world) being sent your way tonight.
Thank you Jonesie. I prayed for my husband to really see me. I prayed for my eyes to really see him. Sometimes the chapter isn't long enough and the end comes too soon. I'll miss what we had. I already do. I also know I can't pretend all is well when the walls are burning all around me. I have to breathe.
I've said some ugly things to him and that's not like me. I have to stop doing that. I told him I didn't even want him at my funeral. Called his women ho's. I am of mixed race and am not prejudiced any means. I am mostly white with some Native American and African American mix. He has always proclaimed not to be attracted to women of color. But he has confessed to 5 or more African American women he's either been sexting or other. He won't admit to full out sexual behavior but I'm not stupid. So many lies I don't know who he is anymore. 41 years and the family photos, his things here, I can smell him here. It's a horrible feeling because I may as well be going to HIS funeral. I feel like he died and I did too
Even in the midst of filing for divorce, he hasn't tried to stop me. No love proclaimed. No I'm sorry. Nothing. No response
The graveling will come later. He’s not ready to gravel yet. He’s mad right now that you have put a damper on his cheating. It’s not as fun when you have exposed him. I’m rooting for you, stay the “strong woman walking”.
Thank you. I'm scared. so scared.
I was looking through our photos that have been saved to Google. I have our phones linked and synced to this account. I saw a video and pulled it up. I was horrified. He had taken a video of our living room, washroom and back porch at its worst. I heard him say something indiscernible so I turned the volume all the way up on my laptop. He said "Look at that. (meaning the disarray of the house). Bitch (meaning me). I was in the middle of painting the living room so of course, it was in disarray. He bought the paint and was going to do it but never did so I did it. I ask him about the video and he acted like I was the crazy one. I'm living with a stranger. 41 years for nothing. Not trusting him was one thing. Now I'm afraid of him. But I have a special needs grandson I'm raising and can't just walk out the door. Restraining orders mean nothing. It would just make him mad. I want to think I'm overreacting, but it is what it is. I've already tried to talk myself into thinking everything is really just fine. Maybe I am crazy. But it really is happening. I can upload the video if y'all think I'm crazy. I'm confused, scared, and depressed. So depressed I can barely function. I'll make it though. I will.
MsTree, I understand where you're coming from. I kicked out my spouse nearly four years ago. And though it was only 17 years for us, he was my soulmate and high school sweetheart, so 30 years together. I miss him, and I still love him, but what he did to hurt me was unforgivable and he didn't want to stop that behavior.
So do what your soul needs you to do. If you need to separate first, maybe he'll come around. Maybe he won't. Just stand up for yourself and think of your self-worth whenever you get depressed over the loss. Just thinking of what a strong person you are will often stop the tears. It may not make the sadness go away completely, but it helps. Be your own invincible support team.
And when you need more help, come here. This site has been amazing for me.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Don't blame yourself for his issues just remember you are your own person
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