Don't see myself as a living person anymore

...Lately the thoughts of death are growing stronger than ever..i feel bitter..i no longer care for my family..nor for their feelings..although i cry for being this way..but my hate towards them and to myself has got bigger..not to mention that we don't have a chance to live as normal as any living person..and you know what??since maybe i'll disappear soon.i'm just gonna say whatever is in my chest..and i don't care if you disagree or not..i'm just so sick of hearing all these advices.like there're who are worser than your case,or don't lose hope and work hard,or life is hard and you have to do things even if you dislike them,or i don't depend on others nobody will be there for you except yourself etc.i am trying..at least i was..but now i no longer have desire nor passion to do..i want someone to help me..help me till i can really depend on myself and believe that..i am thankful that i made it pass the computer science diploma..i was starting to giving up at that time though..especially when my grandmother passed away..i felt really empty..and regretful for not being able to help her..i was hoping that once i finish my diploma..i'll move to live with her and help her..and also she'd be the one encouraging me in my life..i've had bad relation with my parents nowadays..the car is broken and i felt ashamed that if i only tried to apply for a job before it broke..or atleast prepared well for my ielts/tofel before it broke..but i was having a hard time!i am fighting inside me..i want to do but i don't want either!i want to try my best but i just can't maintain on making a good progress..not to mention how anxious i am to interviews and especially..from the part where they ask about id..i am not ready to hear offensive advices..i just want to vent out..maybe i'll become better..i donnu really..i don't know where am i going in this life..whenever i cry..my dad fights to me..he didn't use to be like this..i understand because he's all alone now and we are in a big trouble and he doesn't see future in his life..but he should i am hurt too!!even if i am younger than him!even i have less experiment in life than him..and my mom..she would just calm me down by making me laugh..then she'll mumble inside herself"what will we reach in this life"or"what's our future what do we do"..i know they are disappointed in me..i am also disappointed in myself but i just CANT HELP MYSELF GET UP!IM SUFFERING....i hate myself..i hate life..please..god i can't really change myself easily to the better..sometimes i think if i was treated more harshly..maybe emotions won't interrupt me and focus on building my future and help parents..they did their best though...sometimes i ask myself..are my parents better off without me?but what will they do then on their own..i....i'm sorry god......i'll stop here

[kenster1]

hi im sorry you are suffering a lot in life at the moment.i doubt your parents are disappointed in you and they most certainly wouldn't be better off without you either.the thing with interviews are always stressful even for outgoing confident people don't look at it as you being a failure ive had some terrible interviews over the years.parents will be happy for kids whatever career they have as long as they give it a go.thats the general case anyway.

[Hidden in reply to kenster1]

In my place,not every career has a future/is demanded.especially for expats..and my only hope is to pass one of these tests(ielts/toefl)so i'll immigrate....i kinda felt better today but i still feel down..i was having thought that i am gonna do well and help my parents..but whenever i hear them sigh it just tires me and rather lowers my energy to do anything...i just hope i'll get better to do good deed more properly and overcome fatigue,laziness,negativity,anxiety and emptiness..thanks for ur advice tho..

[Hidden]

I have no one and I am in serious worse situation and unemployed but I make each day count. Read positive thinking books, which tell you to be yourself and relax and stay calm with mediation on youtube also. Give up your negative thoughts to more positive thoughts. Believe in yourself do some courses and voluntary work, gardening and take up interests, painting, reading.

[Samiko]

I can relate to you in every word you said, I have been living like this for years, I don’t even know when it all started but I remember well when it gets bad and it does get really ugly that once I really thought of taking my own life. But I looked at my parents and thought what would happen to them if I do that! Yes life is hard and with us who suffer inside even worse! You feel like you want to explode and you will at some stage, I was seeking help at every corner paid ££££ to go see specialists ... every time I see someone new I have to go through the pain of telling them how I feel! I am not here to moan about my state but to tell you that you aren’t alone! I have started on antidepressants for the past month and it helped with lifting the edge of anxiety. Yes it’s easy to say don’t give up .... but what I advise you is NOT TO GIVE UP UNLESS YOU HAVE EXHAUSTED ALL OPTIONS! And there is help out there ... if you want to talk I will be happy to share and listen to you ... probably help loosen up that pressure inside your chest and feel at ease ... please do reach out if you need to talk and good luck ...

[art62grammie]

Hey, you are not alone. We have been there too. I am 56 and had been Anorexic since 14. I have recently recovered from 40 years of mental illness. I was dying. I know the depressed life way too well. It is not easy for me to talk about my reason why I became ill in the first place. The repressed memories have just come to me two years ago. It is so fresh in my mind now. I had become ill at 14 due to childhood rape by my father. The horrible memories are so painful. My 82- year- old mother is wonderful. I could not have recovered from Anorexia if I had not started in the basement and worked my way up. I have been in treatment six years now. I will be lifer. The loaded pistols dad had held to mom's head for forty years. The butcher knives to her throat. Right in front of all 4 of us kids. We have seen it all. He raped mom and all 4 of us kids at young ages. I still have new memories of my past. I healed my mind through treatment. I love life now and am free. I have divorced 2 men. One marriage last 18 years. He was sexually abusive. My recent divorce was 17 years. He was abusive. Now after a lifetime of abuse. I will not tolerate abuse by anyone anymore. You get out of your depression state of mind. Do not give up on yourself or life. I have been there most of my life. Recovery from depression and Anorexia is awesome. I am a soldier. I go to war every day to fight the enemy of my illness to never let it take me again. Recovery is a daily process. I am a winner. Nothing can knock me down again. No memory no illness. You can start living for you today. You take control and not depression. Stand up to it. Mean business too. You tell it to take a hike and never to return. I love you and live for you.