Toxic

[Sunflower89]

Why do we still care about people who hurt us over and over and over. My ex ripped my heart out of my chest. Told me such hurtful things. Blocked me on everything. I keep thinking about if I wasn’t in this relationship and I was looking in I would think that I was so dumb. Wanting to be with him after all of that. I feel stuck.

[hypercat54]

Because you feel inadequate or broken and mistake his abuse for love? Only guessing. If so then you need to work on your self esteem and one day you will realise that you deserve a lot better than that. x

[Sunflower89 in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks for the advice. I’m trying to work on my self esteem but it’s hard yk

[hypercat54 in reply to Sunflower89]

Yes of course - anything worthwhile always is. Don't go back to someone who treats you so badly as this would be a backward step in your journey. And don't make the mistake of thinking he will change or believe in him when he treats you nicely to get what he wants. He won't change and will carry on manipulating you whatever you do and your behaviour in no way dictates his. He will do what he wants to do regardless of other people.

That is a hard lesson to learn in life but again very worthwhile. x

[Sunflower89 in reply to hypercat54]

I keep going back to him. It’s like I’m stuck. He was my first love and I feel like no ones gonna be like him lol

[hypercat54 in reply to Sunflower89]

Hopefully no one will be! x

[Stilltrying_]

If we knew toxic people in our past we get used to this and sort of seek them out as it is a familiar way of relating. It is unhealthy and requires therapy to sort out; it is complicated to explain but basically you crave the abusive person because you sort of make up a whole picture between you so you fill in each other's missing bits, but it's all dysfunctional and will end in tears. You need to get some therapy to sort yourself out.

[Sunflower89 in reply to Stilltrying_]

If it’s not too much to ask could you explain the fill in each other’s missing bits stuff

[Stilltrying_ in reply to Sunflower89]

I will try to explain it.

You and the abusive person sort of "fit", because you go for someone who represents the pattern from earlier in your life and so will he. An abuser needs someone with poor boundaries and low self esteem so he will seek out someone like this as instinctively he recognises that a person with healthy boundaries would not tolerate his bad behaviour. They would not go out with him in the first place or would leave at the first sign of any wrongdoing.

You having already been a victim before will have a “victim” mentality ( you will have the poor boundaries, low self esteem etc that your boyfriend needs you to have so that he can abuse you. ) So you get attracted maybe to his charm and good looks. You ignore the abusive aspects at first and anyway when the abuse does happen then it is what you experienced before so sort of normal to how your life has been so far.

You sort of can't see that if you had been healthier emotionally you would reject this sort of behaviour out of hand and wouldn't have "fallen in love" in a situation which is so one sided.

So together you make the picture. Abused and victim together make a whole. But abuse is not normal. You need to change from being a victim and learn to self heal so bad types won’t be attracted to you and vice versa.

PS Sorry it's late here, wanted to answer you so you weren't waiting till tomorrow but must go to bed now as its one am.