Living with an alcoholic father

[Lilmis]

Id like to start this off by sayin I love my dad sooo much I think by writing this I’m sort of letting him down, when I was growing up I was very much so a daddy’s girl, to the point where my mum would take us on a holiday & id get sick and want my dad... even when it was my 16th birthday or so mum would throw a little family party (I was never allowed a party when growing up) my sister got a party and don’t know if my brother did... but anyways on my 16th mum and dad had a massive fight and mum was about to take me and my little sister away I literally cried so hard and stood by my dad...

my mum passed away 10 years ago... and of course I miss her deeply and it hurts she’s no longer around as in all fairness even if I did hate her when I was a teenager we became best of friends when I got older & moved out.

But this post isn’t about my past or my relationships with both parents, it’s about my dad now...

He drinks to the point he gets very aggressive not aggressive as in fighting ... more he will argue till he’s blue in the face.

I lived with my fiancé for 8 years in a different part of the country we moved back to my home town after I lost my mum & my uncle and so I wanted to be closer to my family here...

Everything was good I had my brother living with us so even when dad decided to get off his face with drink I’d have my brother there to sort of I don’t know take the arguments...

My dad had managed to push my little sister away of which I don’t talk to her anymore as I mentioned above I was the daddy’s girl and my sister was a mummy’s girl so of course she’s now married got a child but has also adopted her future husbands mum as her mum and in my eyes you can’t replace your own mum...

Anyways my brother has moved out and so it just leaves me and my fiancé in the house with my dad, and lately I’ve been feeling quite down ...

One evening my dad decided to hit or even to try attacking my fiancé he wouldn’t let him hit him so I rang the police it all started with the football he came up started kicking off at my fiancé saying that he’d turned the football off etc... so it got to a point where they was arguing and heated moment of my dad going to attack so I called the police ...

But I must say I didn’t take it any further as when my dad is sober he’s the nicest guy around & will do anything to help you out.

Then my dad went on holiday for 3 weeks in Australia it was bliss no arguing no stress but he didn’t drink once when away on holiday ... but the moment he steps back in the house he drinks again...

I’ve been told by our family I’m Australia he hasn’t got a drink problem as he didn’t get drunk once when over there... but they don’t see him when he’s been drinking here.

And this evening he’s had the day off drinking himself silly, he’s gone out and bought 3x bottles of vodka ... told my fiancé that I’ve told HIM I don’t love my fiancé and that I’m only with him because I feel sorry for him....

It’s either the house that’s making him drink as this is where my dad lived with my mum or he really hates my fiancé ....

I’ve no idea, now many people have said why don’t we just move out?

Well my response is that firstly I don’t want to live in the uk anymore I really want to move to Australia of which I don’t think will happen anymore because my family over in Australia don’t seem to see the bigger picture & my dad has clearly been telling them things about my fiancé so he doesn’t want to move over now as he doesn’t feel comfortable around them any more,

Secondly we have pets so it’s really hard to find a rented place in a decent area what will accept animals ...

And then thirdly we could look at getting a mortgage my fiancé isn’t short of the deposit but if we did that then we’d be stuck in a life long commitment and may not get the house we want and what if dad does struggle to keep the house going he is always saying he can cope with out our help... but the question going around my head is can he really ??

I know it sounds daft and pathetic but I just want to move out for like 3 months or so to see if he can cope on his own as he keeps telling everyone that will listen...

I feel so stupid writing this stuff down it sounds so childish but that is the way he acts like every time he drinks...

My brother has already offered for us to go live with him for a little while yet my fiancé is then disagreeing with that because he doesn’t want to see half my brother mates...

I’m stuck well I feel stuck

Dad shows initative he goes to AA meetings but they are clearly not working & also he’s missed loads of appointments...

I’m never around to talk to him when he’s sober as when I finish work he’s already drunk weekend he’s at his girls friends of which he doesn’t drink...

Sorry for ranting ..

[kenster1]

hi to me it sounds like your dad had been grieving and turned to alcohol to try and cope and its just spiralled out of control.at least he has accepted he has a problem and is trying to help himself.with alcohol it can be one step forward two steps back for a number of years.keep on encouraging him to go along to the aa for help.some folk even secretly record drunk loved ones into shaming them for there behaviour in the hope it may trigger them to keep on the waggon.why don't you get him on a good day just the two of you and have a proper faather daughter chat.hope it works out ok for you all.

[Hidden]

My father was the same, but he went to visit Holy Men in India and changed. The holiday and different outlook of the people he met changed him. Now he is the best friend/father I could ever had

[SilverSpeed]

Well I must say I am sorry to hear that you feel stuck.

I can't tell you the answer to your problems but I will share my experience with you tho.

I go to (GA)gamblers anonymous which is much like AA to a degree. as a compulsive gambler (addict) it's very hard to stop the addiction first off but as long as I have the Will to want to stop I have a chance to change my life.

Now he has done the hardest step and that is walking through the door at AA and admitted he has a problem which are the big steps on the long road to recovery.

I myself have recently fallen off the wagon and gambled after not gambling for 11 months and I quickly went back to my meetings and did'nt do anymore damage to myself or finances or relationships.

The reason I quickly went back is because I wanted to stop and not let the insanity of my addiction take over much like it does with a physical addiction like drinking.

On the journey your dad is taking at the moment is one he can only do himself and all you can do is support him through the difficult times for both family and him.

My advice on this matter would be to get in touch with the AA group and see if there is any support meetings for yourself!

I know you don't have the problem but being able to talk to others in similar situation might help you deal with his problem and understand what he is going through

We have a support group for people who live with people who are compulsive gamblers and it helps them understand what we are going through and I am confident AA mostly has a support network too.

The reason I mention this is because you spent a long time writing this and looking for help and I am pretty sure the root of the problem is the addiction your dad has and getting a better perspective of it might help you help him.

I hope this helps a bit

P.S

God grant me the serenity to accept the thing I can not change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference

[Suzie40]

I lived with my Mum who was alcohol dependent, so I understand a lot of how you're feeling just now. I can empathise with the guilt and frustration, too. The only advice I can really give is to try and remember that you matter. Try and make time for yourself to do things that don't involve your Dad or his problems. It's easy to let the illness engulf you.

[Findingme]

Hi,

I wonder if what is happening is that you are being used as a replacement for your Mum. Some men / women need someone around to bully or dominate to make themselves feel good. Perhaps your Mum also felt like this when she threatened to leave, yet ended up not being able to go through with it.

I know how how living with someone like this can make you feel stressed, on edge and insecure, and make it hard to think about your needs. This is made worse if you have been brought up by someone who is skilled at manipulation, a narcissist. Someone who knows how to put on an act for everyone else, then act out when you are alone, and somehow make you feel needed and rejected at one and the same time. It undermines your self-esteem and your resolve, and you feel guilty at even thinking about doing what is right for you. You are even feeling guilty for thinking about it, and for reaching out for help. You feel it is disloyal, even though you have reason to believe your Dad is saying things about you and your fiancé that are untrue.

People like this, occasionally they upset you to the point that you decide to leave, but you are scared to go in case they pull the ultimate game and hurt themselves in order to get your attention. You also lose your confidence in yourself and worry you may be doing the wrong thing.

If your Dad really can avoid alcohol for a period of time, but gets drunk in front of you despite your real concern about it, maybe this is the lever he is using on you. Maybe he has driven your Mum away, and is afraid you will go too, and instead of treating you right he is using your fear of him making himself ill to keep you around. The danger is also that he will drive everyone else away in the process, isolating you from those who may be able to provide perspective for you. I would suggest you keep in touch with other people outside of your family relationships to help keep you grounded, and maybe go along to some Al-Anon meetings to get advice on how to protect your own mental health. You may have been emotionally affected from years of feeling responsible for your Dad. Deciding to take him on at an early age is admirable, but can lead to feelings of responsibility that are not justified. You were far too young to be able to make a decision like that, and your parents should never have taken sides or allowed you to witness their arguments and feel so involved.

I cannot tell you how to deal with it, but I understand your dilemma. All I can suggest is you educate yourself about how narcissists / alcoholics operate, and decide what is really going on in your own situation, and go from there.

[Lilmis]

Thanks everyone for all the advice really I do think I need to go and get some counselling just for the side of him drinking and bullying my fiancé like all the time but equally I need my fiancé to sort of come with and for him to talk things through also.. but he’s a guy and doesn’t do well for talking about his feelings or even the thought of him going to a counsellor just doesn’t entertain him...

I can go on my own but it’s equally him being involved too.

My dad keeps mentioning I go with him to these meetings but really these meetings are for him to talk etc... and also I don’t feel strong enough to go and support him as much as I love him to bits he’s my dad I just don’t think I have the strength to go with him

I think really by reading above that I need to go sort myself out and talk to someone about it all and how it makes me feel yet all I am wanting to do is for it all to stop and it won’t stop...

I actually have no idea how I’m feeling if I’m depressed or anything I really have no idea... that sounds silly I know but it’s how I feel.

[kenster1 in reply to Lilmis]

if im honest I think you should go.it could be a real learning experience for you to understand his addiction to alcohol.its not just the drink its the guilt the sadness the anger the grief and pain and everything else that goes with it.at the aa meetings it can be really daunting at first but after a few sessions it becomes really relaxed.this could be a chance for you to become closer again.

[EmmyLoop]

Lilmis,

Our childhoods have much in common. People don't get sober until they're willing to get sober--and sometimes not even then. They don't have to necessarily "hit bottom", and everybody's bottom is different. For one person, their bottom might be a damaged friendship. For another person, homelessness might not even be their bottom. Recovery is such an individualized process, or journey, because it is described in AA literature as "a spiritual malady". And what is more unique than a person's spirituality? Nothing. It is more unique than their DNA.

To me it sounds like, though you are very grateful for the relationship that you do have with your dad, you are having difficulty understanding the role you should play in your dad's life.

Does that sound correct?

Emmy

[Lilmis in reply to EmmyLoop]

Hi Emily, that’s does sound right maybe not the part of being unsure of what role to play in his life as I say sometimes he’s the dad I always remember but then when he’s been drinking it’s such a nightmare to even try and explain.

I’m hoping that something is going to happen to make him realise he can’t just keep drinking the way he drinks now and I know that sounds bad but until he realises he’s literally killing him self with the drink then nothing will change ...

He’s had episodes of short breathing and pain in his chest before but doesn’t realise it’s all because of the drink and yet I don’t quite understand why he doesn’t listen to his body.. I feel I have given up on him maybe deep down I haven’t but at the moment I have no idea how I feel.