Bipolar

[MyMania]

Bipolar

Yes, I’m bipolar… I take a pill to stop the extreme highs. I take a pill to stop the extreme lows. I take a pill to sleep and yes I take a pill for anxiety. I hate taking pills but I’m stable.

Having bipolar disorder does not mean you are broken, it means you are strong and brave for battling your mind every single day.

Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days I feel nothing at all. I don’t know what is worse. It is like drowning underneath the waves, or dying from thirst. It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply.

Having the motivation to change the world one moment, then not having the motivation to even wash my hands. One day I’m on top of the world the next I feel like I don’t deserve to be in it.

Not only does bipolar disorder rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I know longer could tell reality from fantasy and I walked in a world no longer my own.

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m actually happy or its just my mania talking.

I’m not afraid of the dark, I’m more afraid of not being able to find the light again.

I am good for a while, I’ll talk more, laugh more. Sleep and eat normally. But then something happens, like a switch turns off somewhere. And all I am left with is the darkness of my mind.

At night, I cannot sleep. And in the morning, I cannot wake up.

I know I have to be careful because there is something self-destructive within me. I knew who I was this morning, but I’ve changed a few times since then.

“The past is a part of you, there is nothing you can do about that. But that doesn’t mean it has to be your anchor”

[lin62-65ze]

Hello MyMania

Sorry for the delay in replying. I too have bi polar and was diagnosed 21 years ago. I was in hospital for a month, put on Lithium and went on to continue my life. I had 3 sons and a problematic husband. I managed to work also now see no pyschiastrist just go for blood tests. My concern is you seem to be unstable, this is not helping you get on with your life. My youngest son is also suffering with bi polar, they gave him Depakote but he became very depressed. They are about to try a new one any day. I am telling you all this as it seems to be trial and error to get medication right, we are all different, I wouldn't like to be in their shoes. You do not say how long you have been suffering, but if you cannot enjoy life you must keep asking for different medication. There are lots of people living normal lives with bi polar. I managed to get a stressful job in government, I looked after my sons and husband. Obviously I do get anxious from time to time, but Lithium has been my saviour, they bring out new drugs frequently so there is lots to hope for. I do hope you improve soon, Helen xx