I Don't Know Anymore

[Kasdeya]

I'm 22 and I feel like I've been around long enough.

I have friends, family, wonderful boyfriend, a great paying and easy job that I love, a place of my own, food plentiful, wonderful artistic talent...

Yet I feel so empty. So mangled and twisted. There's days where I can make all kinds of jokes and laugh a lot. Then there's days where I'm suddenly on my knees and crying out for trivial reasons. I can't sleep right anymore - I can sleep for 12hrs and feel like it was only 4hrs. Its currently 2am and I can't sleep because I'm suddenly remembering everything I'm trying to bury inside and started wailing into my pillow, repeatedly saying "I can't do this.", "It hurts.", "I'm sorry.", "Make it stop." over and over, at random.

I don't take medication. I don't know how health insurance works and I'm too afraid to be poor again, so all I do is save every penny I get. For the most part.

Some days I starve myself because of self-image issues. Some days I binge because I don't care. Some days I want to abuse someone because I'm so angry. Some days I want to abuse myself because I hate myself.

I can't tell if it's just me or if something is really wrong with me. What if I'm just being ridiculous? I can't tell anymore...

I'm not sure if I even really want help. All I can do is say "I'm sorry" ... over and over again.

I just don't know anymore.

[Hidden]

Maybe burying things is the problem?

Can't you tell things to people.

[Kasdeya in reply to Hidden]

I do. All the time. My boyfriend asks me. My best friend asks me. I tell them both.

I keep a journal. I'm currently writing out everything into a special notebook for when "that time comes".

I do everything I can regarding to speaking up...

I don't know. For some reason, it's never enough. It's a cycle.

[Hidden in reply to Kasdeya]

Maybe our need to talk to someone who can give you the answers, a councillor?

[Kasdeya in reply to Hidden]

Maybe. I just wouldn't know where to begin or if I would even follow through...

I have a bad habit of not finishing what I start.

[Hidden]

Well it is an option for you, sometimes though talking to people you don't know can help.

Even telling it on here If you are comfortable with it might help, you might find someone who is in the same situation as you and they might have some of the answers.

Good luck to you Kasdeya.. I hope things get better.

[MAS_Nurse]

Hello Kasdeya,

Welcome to our supportive community. Well done for taking a brave step out of your comfort zone to reach out for help. Hopefully you will find folks here are only too willing to come alongside you and share from their personal journeys and experiences.

You are obviously having a difficult time right now, I'm not sure from your profile which country you live in, but I can only presume it's USA as you mention about health insurance. It seems to me that you need professional medical help, and I would urge you to have a chat with your doctor, and ask for a referral to your local community mental health team. There are a range of interventions they can offer you including medication and talking therapies. You say you don't know what you would say, but a counsellor/psychotherapist is trained to help you get started and to support you through your journey.

Do check out our Pinned Post section for free mental health guides, and keep handy our international crisis support helplines etc.

Keep in touch!

Best wishes,

MAS Nurse

[hypercat54]

Well to me this smacks of denial and not recognising your world isn't as wonderful as you make out? Not having a go but if your life was this good then there is no way you would be having these issues.

You need to see a doctor and get some help. x

[semka]

Hi

It is real what you arew felling - the feeling make you feel like you are going 'crazy' and 'mad'.

Please seek professional help - I don't know your age - but you need to see you GP and get a Early Intervention/CAMHS appointment . There will be a wait for this service .

I have the impression from what you are saying that you have issues going on that do need to be looked at in a safe and controlled way .

The Mental Healthline - 0300 5000 101 -

This is a 24 hour phone line and these people at the end of the line are lovely to talk to . They allow you the space to talk without judgement. You can say to them as much or as little as you like . if you need to cray then you can cry to them .. ... My daughter is 18 and regularly uses this service . She has found them really useful especially during the middle of the night.

There are websites out there which recommend different 'coping strategies'

Mind - 08457 660163

mind.org.uk

Saneline - 0845 767 8000

Health in Mind - 0300 0030 130

Happy to talk

Love Aliska

[kvrsthn]

This sounds a lot like me except that my problem doesn’t necessarily include my self-image or I just don’t care at all too. Some days I feel like I have managed to get back on my feet already after going through what seemed like a longterm state of dysphoria and post-college anxiety but on some days all the things I try to forgo gets triggered and that’s when I know I am still not okay and fully coped up. I get outbursts too in the middle of the night or before hitting the bed. So, I kinda resonate with what you said up here.

It is said that our struggles to grow up are perennial. But actually, there is also a study I’ve read about young adults developing a more mature thinking and feeling than they are physically or in terms of age. I tried digging that article again to reference now but to no avail. If I remember it correctly, it says that some young adults would despair, feeling as if they’ve lived through so many things already because of their early childhood experiences that forced them to mature earlier. I wish I am more eloquent to recall what I have understood there myself. Nonetheless, try to stop apologizing to those you don’t owe one, rather, forgive yourself that it’s taking you awhile to get over despair. You are not alone.

By the way, I am also 22.

[Kasdeya in reply to kvrsthn]

This is very helpful insight... thank you for your words

[DavidS61]

Hi Kasdeya, I’m so pleased you have reached out to this forum. You have taken a huge step in helping yourself by sharing your feelings and emotions, so thank you for allowing us to helping you. You will find lots of great advice especially from ma_nurse. You must first see a doctor who maybe able to refer you to a Therapist and Counsellor. They may even subscribe some medication. I don’t know if you are aware of Bach Flower Remedies? They could help as they are a great way of helping with different emotions. There does seem to be something missing in your life but a totally big Therapist can help you find your way. Use the forum here and listen to what we have to offer as advice. We are all here for you.

If things get bad I usually put on crazy music and dance to it in stupid ways ( I keep the curtains closed ) or watch a silly film to make you laugh. Otherwise, take some deep breaths, relax and stop thinking ...........now think of a walrus blowing you a kiss it may make you smile.

Anyway, I’ve gone on long enough. Take care and we are here for you.