So... I'm new here. How long do you have?
I am a recently turned 23 year old college student studying ecology and who failed half the classes she took last semester. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and it irritates my mother, with whom I am still living, to no end. As my main financial support she has a lot of say in what I do, as much as I wish I was independent to make more of my life decisions, my income just isn't where I need it to be to do so.
This ecology degree is the compromise between someone who would much rather be studying art or graphic design and the mother who will never be happy until all her children are doctors making six-figure salaries. Her logic being that when I give up when I can't find a job in my field I will at least have some biology classes under my belt when I decide to go back for a medical degree. As someone with a weak stomach, I never see that becoming a reality, but my mother apparently knows better.
So she drives me to class everyday (as I am even more of a loser than you thought and have never gotten my license) to sit in class daydreaming of dropping out and to no one's surprise, failing the classes. I, of course, don't tell my mother I'm failing as I try to make living with her as tolerable as possible, and I would never hear the end of it if I did.
However, I recently found out that the cost of my education which she has been holding over my head for the past four years, actually turns out to be about $240 a semester after all the grants I receive - for being low income. Something I, even with my low income, could pay without issue. Now I knew we were never going into debt over my education, I go to a state college, nothing prestigious, but the school had always given an estimate of my expenses being somewhere around $3,000 a semester - a little out of my price range. Needless to say I've always felt guilty about it, especially when I failed classes, knowing we'd have to pay for them again next semester when I re-take them.
Now I feel like I wasted the past four years of my life staying home hoping to save money to help pay for a degree I don't even want for jobs that I will most likely hate, but I'm still semi-young I guess. I aim to get my licence this month and have been looking for cars, still not sure how moving out will go as I have no friends (again, LOSER) to move in with and am nervous about finding an apartment within my price range as someone who is once again on the job search as without any classes offered this summer to forward my degree, I had to give up my work-study position.
I had hoped to follow the same trajectory as my sister and move into the rental house my mother owns as sort of a transition to getting a place of my own completely not under my mother's thumb, but my sister is still living there... and even with as manipulative as my mother can be, I'd rather stay with her than with my sister that doesn't clean a dish until the next time she wants to use it.
So in summary, I am unemployed, have a useless degree, still live at home without a licence and without any friends, and trying to find a way to cope with being a absolute loser for the past 5 years for no reason at all.
Not sure if I'm depressed, my sister believes I am, but I'm not sure what depression is supposed to even feel like? I feel like despite all my faults I still have a pretty optimistic outlook on my life? I'm not sure what I wanted from this post, but I saw a few other posts semi-similar to my situation before deciding to sign up as they helped me feel like I'm not the only one stuck at a dead end in my life at the moment, and reading the comments helped me a lot, and hopefully the original poster as well.
So this is me putting my foot in the water I guess.