Potential for deterioration on my mental health

On Friday, I looked up my estranged daughter on Facebook, her profile pic had changed and there was a pic of a baby. She had rejected my attempts to try and put our relationship back on track over the last 10 yrs. She is in touch with my elderly parents mum 82 and dad 92. I had known about a previous pregnancy, and the week later the baby had no heartbeat, she was about 12 weeks preg then. I found out through my mum, it really destroyed me mentally, I have bipolar II and depression. after that, 2yrs ago, I told my mum not to tell me again as it was like torture, for her to not want me part of her life, and knowing mum would tell me. She seems to want to reap revenge on me for just standing up to her, 10 yrs ago, when she had treated me like dirt for many years. So now, I see this beautiful child, my grandson, who she does not want me to know. I do have another daughter who lives near me, and we are best friends, and much alike and I have two wonderful grandchildren, girl 12 and boy 8, and been part of their lives since they were born. So, I am trying to hold onto that for now. However, I called the MHT yesterday, I am not under their care generally, as I manage myself well ususally, I have taken diazepam at night since Friday, I have it for a muscle spasm issue. I am trying to be strong, but it's not easy. I spoke to my parents, who live 100 miles away on Sunday, and told them I knew. they had know since she told them she was pregnant and have a photo of him.

I did send her a message on messenger, not nasty, saying I was pleased for her, but sad for myself that she has decided to cut me off from him too. I know she will not reply, she didn't before, when I sent a letter a few yrs ago, but I needed to let her know I know and I am sad about it.

I am an artist and a poet, so I always draw pictures to deal with the bad stuff and write about it, just to get it out of my head, but, each time I get hurt, I am now 60, it gets harder to get through it. I have an appointment with MH on Thursday this week, I only called yesterday, I know tablets can't make it better, but for now, I just need to sleep at night, and stop all the ruminating thoughts. I just needed to say something where people may understand my loss. Any suggestions for dealing with this will be gratefully received. thanks

[PNIAuthor60]

Have you ever tried grief counselling for the disenfranchised loss of the relationship with your daughter? I say "disenfranchised" because it is a significant loss that as a society we don't seem to support in the same way we do physical death.

Have you considered what role you might have played in the estrangement? I'm not saying your to blame but know that sometimes as parents we have unrealistic expectations of our children or trouble accepting their independent decisions/choices.

I cringed when I read the content of the email you sent - it might be received as a form of control. To have simply shared your excitement about the new child would have been sufficient.

I hope that in talking with someone you might gain some insight into how important it is to respect your daughter's choices. It's possible that your mental health issues as you describe them may play a role.

Assuming that your mental health might deteriorate has little to do with your mother or daughter and everything to do with your beliefs. Some counselling with a trained therapist may very well help.

You're in a really tough spot but your daughter may feel the same way. Therapy may provide a detached perspective.

[Hidden in reply to PNIAuthor60]

With respect you have no idea of the back story, my daughter has psychopathic traits: has no empathy, is manipulative to get want she wants, if anyone actually has the balls to confront her as I did she cuts you off, she did it to her sister and her children, she shows no emotions, she is a control freak, self obsessed. I have done so much to apologise for my side, she has tormented me and carries on doing so. My mental health is a combination of a dysfunctional childhood, being put on phenobarbitone as a young child, due to wrong diagnosis, and put on a drugs trial for 5yrs. I brought my two girls up on my own, they went without nothing including love so do not patronise me. I will not be posting on this site again. You are completely wrong, and I am very upset with what you have said about me. It's the child you should be feeling sorry for he has to be brought up by a psychopath mother!!!!!!!

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Hidden]

I offered only an opinion based on the information in your post. Each of us has a back story that often interferes, unknowingly, in our ability to create relationships with others.

However, I can understand why your daughter has chosen her position after listening to this tirade in response to simple suggestions and perspectives to consider.

You might want to ask yourself why you are so upset with me -all I said was that there are two sides to every issue involving two people.

Perhaps it is in the best of health that things remain as they are being as how you feel about your daughter.

[En1234]

Really sorry to hear this. So sad. I always think a mother needs her daughter as much as a daughter needs her mother. The number of times me and my mum have had fights, arguments, fall-outs etc but we always seem to patch it up.

I know this may sound totally obvious but has anyone ever recommended mediation for you both. Do you think this is something your daughter (and yourself) would consider?

My old boss used to be a Mediator and I know he dealt with this kind of situation. Sometimes (not all the time to be honest), but most of the time, there was a positive outcome. Just a wee suggestion.

Wishing you well. Take care.

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