Depression

[Beautifulrainbow]

Hi I haven't wrote on this post before, so I'm very nervous. My depression started around four years ago roughly, and although I'm on medication my moods are quite bad. It all started nine years ago when I basically lost my voice, and I travelled up and down the country trying to find a cure.two years ago I did I went private and had a operation on my vocal chords which unfortunately only lasted eight months.but to cut along story short I've had it done again,but it's the worst thing that could of happened to me. When I was away having it done again my dad passed away,so I can't forgive myself for not being there for him, he died alone at home, and I can't help thinking did he really suffer.im lucky I have a fantastic family but to me that's not enough, I want to end my life so they can live there's. I'm not being fair to them for being here. I self harm regularly because I hate myself. And I don't blame anyone for giving up on me because I deserve everything I get.

[PNIAuthor60]

My dear sweet soul, your struggles have taken you to deep places of pain and regret but you do not need to beat yourself up or end your precious life.

I can't imagine how fearful it was losing your voice and then having to hunt for someone who could help you. It sounds as though this last surgery did not go well.

Not forgiving yourself keeps you imprisoned in a hell of your own making leading to irrational thoughts of ending your life to make the lives of others better. It doesn't happen that way. Your pain may end but the tremendous psyche ache of those who love you will begin and come close to destroying them. I know this personally having survived the suicidal deaths of two people I loved very much.

Having a fantastic family is everything - you are focused on the wrong things in your angst and despair.

No one here in this community will ever think of giving up on you because we all have our own deep struggles and while we may have struggled or still struggle with suicidal ideation, talking about it with others seems to help and lessen the intensity of those destructive feelings.

Have you a counselor or therapist with whom you can consult? Check the sidebar for Crisis Hotlines available around the world. Reach out as you have done here. Check out the topic of Crisis Support as well - let others who are skilled in this topic help you to develop a new skill set so that ending your life is no longer a consideration. Or call your local hospital - please your life is important to everyone who loves you.

Grief support may also be helpful with regards to the regret you are feeling about your father dying alone.

I wish you well and will be praying that you will garner the strength to ask for help and follow through for your own sake and that of those who love you dearly.

[Beautifulrainbow in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Thank you very much for all those kind words.i know in my heart that to try and take my life is for me a chickens way out but sometimes that's all I think about. I badly self harm and today I'd decided to after spending two days in bed that I was going to make a better job of it but I have had someone with me all day, they don't know I was going to do that as I can't always speak to them about it, it's basically pull yourself together and my god I wish that was easy. I do see a counsellor who is very good so I'm getting all the right help thank you. I have just lost my job after twenty years so with my anxiety,panick attacks and. With being unable to go out alone because of this finding a job will be very difficult. I have just started claiming benefits but got a letter the other day asking to see me for an assessment that's why I've started self harming again because I'm petrified in seeing them face to face.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Beautifulrainbow]

I thank God that someone has been with you all day and that you are still here. I am glad to hear that you are seeing a counsellor as well who is very good.

So sorry to hear of the devastating loss of losing your job after twenty years (what were you doing?) and all that that means to you in so many different ways.

Take someone with you to your appointment if that would help you. When is the assessment?

All the kind words you thanked me for, I mean every single one of them. Your life is valuable to every single person who knows and cares about you. Would your counsellor be able to help you prepare for that assessment or perhaps communicate with or provide a letter outlining and support your variety of needs? It doesn't hurt to ask.

[Beautifulrainbow in reply to PNIAuthor60]

I was working in a school but because of the lack with my communication, I couldnt answer the phone but I did everything else that was asked of me..i must say my second op was a success but it means nothing to me without my dad being here and listening to me, he waited nine years for this. And not having him here with me is breaking my heart. I will be seeing my counsellor this week so hopefully she can advise me and I'm hoping someone will come with me and give me some much needed help.

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Beautifulrainbow]

Understandably your father's death has left a gaping hole in your life.

Not having him here is hard, but what would he say to you if he could about you not appreciating that your second operation was a success. You carry every word of encouragement he every spoke into your life within you - in that respect he is always with you. I know it isn't the same but it can help if you let it.

I understand the pain of a broken heart, I hope your counsellor can help you. Take care.

[Beautifulrainbow in reply to PNIAuthor60]

Thank you for every word you have said and I know it all makes sense, and I will try to some how come around to your way of thinking.but at the moment I just want to be with him so this dreadful feeling will go away. Thank you for caring x

[PNIAuthor60 in reply to Beautifulrainbow]

No need to come around to my way of thinking, but to consider alternatives so as to improve the quality of your state of mind.

I know only in my own recovery from depression that I learned that what I thought and what was reality were two different things.

Meditation and mindfulness are also helpful.

I don't suggest these things because I think it is a simple cure, I am simply sharing my own experiences of recovery.

[Catahrina]

It does not matter what you say to a person that is depressed. You are lacking signal substances in your brain such as melatonin. If your antidepressants doesnt work you should ask your doctor for what other kinds of antidepressants there is that might work better for you. Or might be that the doses are too low. Or maybe you have OCD or anxiety too and might need something more to it? Maybe you need temporary medicine to make you calm down when you think too much? Just to cut the edges and have it as a big NO when you start thinking of hurting yourself you just take a pill instead. (which will make you cool down, like really just sink to the floor and itll just delete your thought for a while)

Too feel the way you express isnt a thing that you would feel if you got everything balanced. If what youve been through would happen to anyone else thats not lacking these substances they would obviously cry and be down but they wouldnt HARM or BLAME it on themselves. You did not kill your father did you? So why in a world would you blame yourself or feel bad for not being there? For something that happen out of nature?

And just to be clear, I am not trying to come out as angry, I do feel sorry for you since I know what its like. Ive been through depression. But really, theres nothing you can tell a depressed person to make them feel better for more than a day.

Give your brain and body what it wants. To feel good.

AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT ONE THING, HURTING YOUR OWN BODY THAT YOUR MOTHER CARRIED FOR 9 MONTHS AND THEN CRIED SEEING WHEN YOU WERE BORN. YOURE RIPPING HER CREATION APART DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT HURTS FOR A MOTHER TO SEE? "Im not fair to them for being here" Pfft. Get yourself together, only you can. Decide you do want to be happy, even if you dont. Because YOU DO, deep down all you want is to sit down with the ones you love and do the things you love.

[Ehsanbey]

Hey buddy, First of all I'm so upset about your problems and struggles with your voice, Second and maybe the most important one that you mentioned is about your dad, I am truly sorry because losing dad must be difficult alone disregarding your unintentional absence, but I know sth. and that is this: your dad would understand you and has no bad feeling toward you, you have to go away with that and pass it, harming yourslef physically or mentally will not help anything, just accept the reality of current situaltin, forgive yourself and pray for your dear dad and go on with your life, this is all I could say, never foget that things happen even very bad things happen, the only thing you can and should do is learn from whatever is, walk away from it and do better next time, that is it.

Have good time

R.I.P for your dad