Hi I haven't wrote on this post before, so I'm very nervous. My depression started around four years ago roughly, and although I'm on medication my moods are quite bad. It all started nine years ago when I basically lost my voice, and I travelled up and down the country trying to find a cure.two years ago I did I went private and had a operation on my vocal chords which unfortunately only lasted eight months.but to cut along story short I've had it done again,but it's the worst thing that could of happened to me. When I was away having it done again my dad passed away,so I can't forgive myself for not being there for him, he died alone at home, and I can't help thinking did he really suffer.im lucky I have a fantastic family but to me that's not enough, I want to end my life so they can live there's. I'm not being fair to them for being here. I self harm regularly because I hate myself. And I don't blame anyone for giving up on me because I deserve everything I get.