Hello, there. I'm new, having just decided to give this website a shot, in hopes it could ease something.
I've been working for nearly two years now, starting out part-time as a copywriter. And, at first, it was great. I got to work from home, which was nice. But then they started giving me a lot of freedom, too much freedom, and allowed me to work whatever hours I wanted. This led to a downward spiral of procrastination, where I would work late at night or, sometimes, a few hours before starting the official schedule. I have no idea when everything was screwed to hell, but my motivation just withered and I kept getting in trouble again, and again, and again because I just didn't have the determination to do to my work.
This got particularly bad a couple of months ago, after everything was fine again for a while. I passed a deadline again and this triggered a mental breakdown which led to a vicious cycle. I was stressed and because I was stressed, I couldn't work. And because I couldn't work, I was stressed. I knew I was screwed, so I started looking for new jobs. I ended the collaboration last month, having managed to secure a new job as an editor at a prestigious company. I was over the moon, especially since I was looking for a change. Working at home left me isolated for 2 whole years, barely interacting with people and this did nothing but feed into my existing social anxiety. I knew I needed a job where I could get out of bed, be thrown into a routine, and interact with people.
So, the first week at the new job was absolutely excellent. I was the happiest I've been in a while. People were nice, the work was nice, I liked the environment, it's well-paid. But there is one major downside that's stressing me: there is a night shift.
The night shift is from 4 PM to 12 AM, which, incidentally, is the time period I used to do all of my hobbies during. It's when I write, I play games, watch movies, and, most of all, it's when I spend time with my loved ones, watching TV shows. And, all of sudden, I see it stripped away.
During my first night shift, I had a panic attack. I looked at the clock and it hit me that I could be at home right now, doing the things I love, but I couldn't anymore. I found myself without my anchors. It's easy to get through 8 hours of work when you know you can just leave the office and go home and get cozy with your family and enjoy your time off. But, suddenly, I was left without this. Everyone is asleep when I'm finished and I'm too tired to do anything except go immediately to bed. Worst of all, until I start the shift, I get plenty of time alone, doing nothing but anticipate it, wallowing in my self-misery, thinking how much it sucks.
And this triggered what I can only assume is a major depressive episode. There are TOO many changes. Going from part-time to full-time made me feel I don't have time for myself left. New jobs are, generally speaking, stressful, anyway. New things to learn and all that. The social aspect, which has been missing for 2 years, is also tiring, especially since I have anxiety. And all of these things are bad by themselves, but the cherry on top is this damn night shift, which has me this close to calling quits and bawling up, crying myself to sleep. I don't have my anchor anymore and I feel like I'm drowning. It's particularly bad because I've worked five consecutive night shifts this week (albeit, they've been at home, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still working), during a time of highly vulnerable mental states, and I feel like I'm going crazy.
What I'm saying, in this long ass post, is basically that I'm struggling terribly and I don't want to make any rash choices. I try to convince myself that this is just sad context paired with the normal difficult times associated with a new job. I mean, I did have a mental breakdown prior to this. And then I had to jump right into this new job. I don't even think straight sometimes. I mean, I've worked during evenings before. Quite regularly too. Admittedly, it was because I procrastinated and had no choice. So, it's not like I've had every single night off and did my movie night thing with my mom every single day. But my anxiety and depression are strong enough to make me see everything in suck a dark shade. This place is a good job and I don't want an impulsive decision to ruin things for me. But also, what if it's not all in my head? What if it won't pass? What if I'll be frequently miserable for the next few months? Right now, all I want is a 9 AM-5 PM, Monday-Friday schedule like everyone else, but would swapping this job that involves something I love for something worse-paid and not-so-pleasant be even worth it? And for what, eight-ish more days a month where I can get evenings off?
After today, I'm done for the month since the company gave us all days off until the 2nd of January. And after this, I'm thinking (since our schedules are flexible and made according to our wishes) of requesting for the night shifts to be spread more evenly throughout the month. Like, 2 days a week as opposed to, say, 6 consecutive days shoved in one week. I'm hoping this holiday thing will soothe my worries and that my boss, who's been very kind and helpful so far, will understand and grant this schedule request. I'm thinking that not having to go so long without my evening routines might be of slight help.
Anyway, this got awfully long, but I had nowhere else to rant and I thank anyone who took the time to read this. Right now, I'm just very worried things will not get better. I shouldn't even be working right now, but I have a rent to pay, I can't afford that.
Cheers.
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