Abuse survivor moving out at 20

[Sarbear7]

Hello everyone! I'm here looking for advice because I have very few people to confide in with this sort of thing. I'm 20 years old, soon to be 21 in December. I come from a very abusive household (please see my previous post on my profile for more info) and I'm soon planning on moving in with my boyfriend who's 30. We've been best friends for 4 years and recently started dating a few months ago. He's always been my rock when it comes to my difficult home situation and mental health issues and he's wanted me to live with him for quite a while. We live in different states so it makes things quite difficult, but I've been able to visit him. I desperately want to move in with him, but my mother has constantly been hounding me saying it's too soon and I should stay home and focus on school instead, even though I'm taking online classes so it wouldn't matter where I am. She tells me that if I leave I'll have to tell my dad (because on the rare occasion when he is home, he'll wonder where I am obviously). This is where things get scary for me. I've never made my dad aware of any relationships I've been in accept one, when I was 19, and it was a disaster. My dad flew off the handle as usual. I haven't told him about my current boyfriend but if I do move, I feel like I'll need to tell him and that's what my mom keeps bringing up to me. What scares me is that if I tell him I've moved in with my boyfriend, I'm afraid it will put my mom in an unsafe position back at home and she worries about the same thing because my dad always blames her. Another issue I have is I'm a broke college student and haven't had a job in half a year due to my mental illness issues. I've been trying to focus on healing and I've been going to therapy but I feel like I won't be able to truly get better until I'm out of this house. My boyfriend told me he wants to provide for me and support me anyway he can but I feel guilty not being able to help out much with where I'm at currently. Should I bite the bullet and finally move out and should I tell my abusive father eventually? Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[blackcat64013]

Hi Sarbear7,

Abuse is never okay, no matter who is doing it or what they do

Leaving home is a big step and there are some important things to think about when deciding whether or not to move out e.g. telling your dad. Decide on the method of contact. Prepare yourself to have a conversation with him but don’t attempt to have this conversation in person if you feel unsafe around him. Consider calling him or sending an email instead once you have left.

You are not obligated to take care of your mother. Work with other family members if you have them, to make arrangements for her to be safe. It’s important that you protect yourself whatever happens, even if your mother tries to make you feel guilty.

I would consider it essential that you have access to support for you mental health issues and have your records transferred to your new provider before you leave.

Talking to somebody can really help.

You could try getting advice from someone you trust before you make your final decision.

The right time to leave really depends on your situation or your goals.

I believe you will make the right decision.

[123lu]

Hi,

You are so similar to me!!

Yes!!

Move out you are adult with a nice man who truly cares for you, dont stay in an abusive household. Your mum is responsible for her own life, if shes scared of your dad she should leave.

20 years old are always poor so dont worry money will come. Trust me, i am also living with my mum and her abusive partener and its making me very ill.

But i decided to leave in two weeks and you should too.

[Zoea]

Wow the above two posts are awesome!

My two cents are....

You will come to terms with your relationship with your father. It may take decades, but it will come. You should follow the advice of blackcat64013 in terms of making arrangements for your mum if you leave and leaving if you are in a bad situation. If you have no other option but to move in with your boyfriend, then that's ok, if you have the option to get social housing due to abuse and mental health tissues perhaps that's another option? Maybe you can move near your friend?

Keep up the school and money will follow. Keep away from a bad situation but as you are asking don't exacerbate it if you can help it. In the end I guess it's a judgement call so make that call but put yourself first. You will be surprised how elastic people (and especially family) can be !