So confused with how I’m feeling

[xshadows]

I literally have no idea to explain exactly how I feel as it constantly changes.I can range from feeling happy to feeling empty and hopeless.

I constantly try to help people feel better about themselves, at school I’m always talking to people, giving out compliments, checking if they’re okay. Even on social media, I give compliments, check up on everyone, make them talk to me and vent to me, help cheer them up and make them feel better and positive. I constantly do this, even when I don’t feel like it myself. I can be in good moods at school mostly, where I won’t think about how hopeless and pointless life is, and how it’s all just an illusion and a game. I’ll be focusing on my friends and listening to them make jokes and laugh along with them. They mostly make me forget about what’s going on inside my head and gets rid of my thoughts when I’m with them.

However, there’ll be days where I could be sat there and just have multiple thoughts whilst sitting with them like “how are you so happy?” Or “I just don’t want to be here” and when I’m making my friends talking about their problems and trying to help them get it off their chest I sometimes think “I wish I had it like that” if it’s just a simple thing.

But then when I get home, 8/10 days I just feel completely alone and with no one to relate to. I just think what’s the point in all this? It’d be easier if I wasn’t here (however I wouldn’t really do anything that drastic) I sometimes feel numb, angry because I’m so confused with my moods, sad, depressed, suicidal sometimes (I just think about doing it but the furthers i go is cutting).

I have no reason to feel like this, I have a good home life, good friends, good most things. But I can’t stop my feelings or thoughts.

Also, a month back I went a good 10-14 days of being happy and positive. To then being sad and depressed again. It’s just so confusing and I want to sort it out. I want to either feel one way or another. Some times I want to be sad because I know the happiness won’t last and it’ll just make me sadder, and I feel more comfortable being sadder in a way. What if I’m doing this for attention?! Although, no one knows how I feel and I never tell anyone, I just say “I’m tired I didn’t get much sleep” or “I’m due a period” or “I’m just in a bad mood I’ll be okay soon”. Like I don’t speak to anyone about how I’m feeling which is why I think speak to so many people about how they’re feeling, because I don’t want them to feel like this.

What should I do? Like I’m sick of being confused of how I’m feeling. Going from numb, to happy to sad. It’s frustrating and making me angry and mad. I have a physical ache because I just want to be one or the other.

[Vrt14]

It's all part of the human experience. No one can be happy all the time, it's not possible. If someone is always happy go lucky, then they are most likely faking it. Plus most good poetry and music came from people being sad and heartbroken. I really liked the movie Inside Out because it showed that negative feelings have a purpose too. But if you are sad for no reason, then you may be bipolar and need a mood stabilizer.

[Finglas-Boy]

Hi X shadows. I know folk often say we should take 1 day @ a time but I take things in blocks of 3 days ie; I managed to tackle things ok yesterday ( Day 1). This provides motivation to get through today (Day 2). Getting through today ok will give me the strength to get through tomorrow (Day 3). I think it's all about giving oneself a continual kick-start. Hope this makes sense.

[Zoea]

I'm sorry you are going through that. I would suggest you at least go yo your GP and get a referral to check if Bipolar is something that fits you. With that, you can get the correct therapies and perhaps meds That can help you out. There is no need to feel like you should be sad when you are happy, right? Surely Happy should be the default state? Why not lol?

Don't worry about your intrusive thoughts. They are like dreams in the end - after all dreams can be intrusive and surprising. Perhaps your mind is in a place where you are able to daydream to the level of an actual sleeping dream. To me, if that's what this is, it's a good thing. No problem.

But! Get the help. Talk to a GP at the minimum but do please get the referral and discuss everyone with a Psychiatrist. What can go wrong?