Close to the end

Hi , I don't really know where to start but I have been diagnosed and treated for depression anxiety etc for about the last 15 years but there's a lot more going on than depression , I think I can't explain myself properly or only just understood what happens.

I am 43 years old man and my depression has always followed a manic episode and always matched the severity ie the higher I was the low would be equal , I have only just realised this for what it is and never explained this to dr's as I didn't see it as bad but over the last 2 years I have had 4 manic episodes that have been uncontrollable and extremely severe with huge consiquenses .

I don't seem to be in control or even know what I'm doing .

The first one I gave all my furniture to charity shops and had to live without without any furniture for 6 months because I had no money

The second one I don't even remember going but I was at a mainline train station and got caught at the end of the platform laughing by the staff I don't know what I I was doing there unless I was going to jump, I laughed it off to them and told them I was using my phone

The 3 rd I am from Manchester where my family and support live and in the space of 2 days rented a flat and moved to Scotland ,why ? I don't know ? And have been here for 8 months with noii hope of getting back to Manchester

The 4th line is just coming to an end and has been the highest intense terrifying one to date .... So much so I have been paranoid more than ever , and believed my neighbors were conspiring against me (I still do) and started banging on there door and became aggressive ,

I've been suicidal in the past and under the care of the crisis team and I have an appointment with a psychologist on the 11th of next month but I don't know if I can wait that long .

I am prescribed promazine , stertraline and beta blockers but nothing seems to work for me .

Can anyone advise as to what I can do please ?

Thanks

[Hidden]

Just to add I haven't talked about the depressive episodes as they are controllable although severe , it's when I'm not in control that scares me

And I don't want another before I see the psychologist .

I never have normal moods anymore just high or low .

Thanks

[Mama_Bear0987 in reply to Hidden]

I don't have much knowledge but I'm sure you need to see your doctor again and explain that you think there's more to it. Maybe they can bring your appointment forward? It's great that you're thinking about things and making some sort of sense of it. Its so hard to see things in yourself. It takes years of hard work. Once your aware you can begin to deal with it better. Good luck

[MAS_Nurse]

Thank you for your post 'close to the end' and you have had some good advice from Sonia-lu. There is an awful lot that you have been dealing with, particularly over the last several months, and this must be both very exhausting and frightening for you. You describe having felt depressed for the past 15 years, but what is really of concern now is the extreme high and low and manic moods you are experiencing. Although you have an appointment to see the psychologist on the 11th , I would definitely ask your doctor to bring this forward so that you see someone urgently. In order for you to receive a proper diagnosis for your extreme mood swings and rather erratic behaviour, it is of the utmost importance that you book an urgent appointment to see your GP as soon as possible. Book a double appointment which will give you more time to explain all that has been going on for you. Please do not omit anything, you now really do need to have a very honest chat with your doctor and explain everything, especially the four significant episodes you have had. It may help you to print off this post to show it to your doctor and if there are any questions you would like to put forward, it can be very helpful to make a note of these beforehand. You are showing good insight and understanding of you mental health issues which shows a very strong personality and it also shows that you are looking for a proper diagnosis now, so that you can begun on any other medication and therapies to support you. Take a look at the posts to your right side, under the headings crisis support helplines and guides to mental health illnesses, you will find some good information and contact numbers. Try and keep in touch with your family in Manchester as they must worry about you. Perhaps in time, if you do not settle in Scotland you may like to look ahead to a brighter future and may even at some time return there. Keep posting on here so that our other members will also offer their invaluable experiences and support to you. I know things are very hard for you at the moment but there is help available and be very assertive with your Professional team to get yourself the best care there is. It takes time to recover from a mental illness but please do not give up hope and try and be kind to yourself and take good care.......Wishing you the very very best................

[tofler]

Sorry to hear about everything you've been going through, it all sounds incredibly difficult to live with. You said that you've had 4 manic episodes during the last two years and that these are the biggest problem rather than the depressive episodes. With that sort of frequency you hopefully won't have another manic episode before you see the psychologist on the 11th. It sounds like the psychologist will be expecting to meet someone who is struggling with depression rather than bi-polar though. Are you still being supported by the crisis team? It sounds like you need an appointment with a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist, so that you can be assessed in relation to bi-polar disorder. There could be other explanations for some of the impulsive actions that you've described (e.g. borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder) so this needs to be assessed by a psychiatrist. When you do see the psychologist on the 11th you'll have much more time to explain all the history that you've described on here, than any double appointment with a GP will give you, but you'll need to think of ways of keeping yourself safe until you see the psychologist. Do you have anything like a "staying well plan" from the crisis team that you can refer to during difficult times, to help keep you safe?

[tofler]

P.s. why is there no hope of you getting back to Manchester? It sounds like you might be better off living where your family and support is, although being near that support didn't manage to prevent previous impulsive actions, so maybe you need a bit more support than your previous situation in Manchester was providing you with. A psychiatrist's assessment might be a good way of getting some additional support put in place. Have you ever received any support from a community mental health team?