I cannot see an end...

Is there ever an end to depression and anxiety? I have had it since I was 17 and I am now 49 years old. There have been times as in a week or so here and there when everything has been fine but mostly it has been awful.

I have agoraphobia to an extent, and social anxiety too. I cut my family out of my life as they truly were not the right people to know due to serious issues. I used to work and have friends but mental illness destroyed all of that unfortunately. so for years I have had no one in my life, except my long suffering partner who recently cheated on me. I am over that however, as depression is my main focus to deal with.

I take medication now, and have done for 6 years. i have changed them a few times. but I find Venlafaxine to be the best for me, however it is still not enough, even at a very high dosage to keep the depression away.

I have been under the mental health team for 7 years since a hellish breakdown, but I have been told that there is nothing more that they can do for me any more, and that I will probably always be as I am, and that my issues are too deeply ingrained. I was told this recently by the Psychiatrist.

I have had counselling and CBT, but the therapy that I was promised and put on a waiting list for, Psycho dynamic. was withdrawn for me, as I was told the NHS cannot afford it, and that it could take years.

I was on the waiting list for a very long time.

Hormonal changes as regards menopause are making my depression worse, and yet I an unable to be given HRT as the Gps at my surgery are very much against HRT.

So I am here at 49 years old, I eat healthily, I exercise daily, I walk miles with my dog,. I am slim. I don't smoke and only drink occasionally. I live in the countryside. Everything I do is aimed at not making my depression and anxiety worse, and yet nothing, is helping.

My moods are up and down, without any pattern,and when I get down it is not for very long, and only days, but I sink so low I almost want to end my life. My pets are the reason why I do not go ahead. plus I would be so scared to try, in case at the last moment I panicked and wanted to live, yet I ended up dying.

I feel like I am stuck. I just cannot bear the thought of many more years ahead of me, feeling as I have done and do.

Please, please, if anyone can relate to my post, and can offer any good advice, I would appreciate it so much. I am sorry to go on for so long too.

[Hidden]

Hello Miranda

Sad to say i can relate to some of your problems, this problem you seem to stem in earlier years. To understand the main reasons for your illness, you could be on your way if you understand where the problem was caused, with me it was as a child through into my forties, although my chronic disability is a really good candidate for what I am today

Sometimes Partners can in some instances can blame you for their shortcomings, this happened with my parents and siblings.

You seem to have done the rounds with your mental health teams and not the system we need to negotiate with is now in short supply. You will possibly find that with many on this site.

In the past treatment could form a form of long term support, sad to say that is not the case.

I do not know if you still work, if you are fixed for time a mental health day centre could be your way forward where you would meet people with regular mental health problems. Sometimes these centres have people who can talk and put your problems into some form of perspective. The fact of other people with same type of problems been there gives you and those around you deal with their problems and this can be a comfort for all concerned. Ask your GP, He may know if there are any day centres around, if He is unable to advise phone MIND or other mental health charities as many of these centres are charities in there own right.

If you wish to chat here there are many including me will give you some form of support and understanding

All the best

BOB

[shory2468]

hi iv just read ur story im so sorry u feel like this as i no all about it , i have suffered from pycotic depression for many many years i have had a few breakdowns and tried to commit suicide numourus times !! i was then diagnosed of having borderline personality disorder i was put on velavaxin ( still on them ) and had cbt since having theropy my life as changed so much for the better thank god ! i completed the 18 month course and never felt so better i have studied bpd and now work with the nhs as a trainer as they say nothing better than the service users experience ! so i do no how u feel and hope that with time etc u feel better im 47 and feel iv been cheated out of life but now i hope i can start living . take care and stay safe x

[Gambit62]

I can really feel for you as it is probably a post I could have written when I was 49.

What changed things for me was a) being told that I was B12 deficient (aged 52) b) finding out what that really meant and c) starting to treat myself with the doses of B12 that I personally needed (aged 53).

I remember a few years ago my boyfriend describing how he would get upset by something but then something would go click in his head and he would just go do something else. It was very different for me at the time but now that is pretty much how it is. I can remember what the blackness of depression was like - what chronic anxiety was like - and I did suffer episodes where I couldn't cope with being in crowded places and so had withdrawn - but I just don't get to those places now.

Before discovering that B12 was the problem I did find that meditation helped me a lot - not trying to blank out thoughts but learning to accept them and focus on the small moments of joy and really be present for them.

Really frustrating that the psychiatrist seems to have written you off like that.

However, I understand but just wanted to let you know that things can happen that do turn things round.

Sure lots of others will be able to relate

[Photogeek]

Hi Myranda welcome to the Forum , I have read your Post but have to go out now

So will post a reply to you later this evening. This Forum has helped me a lot.

So please give it a chance.

Hannah

[Cj15]

Hi, sorry you are feeling like this, I very much relate to your experience, I too hv suffered with depression and anxiety since childhood, although my family wouldn't allow it so I hv only received treatment very latterly when my marriage came to an end over violence from my ex husband. I hv struggled to hold down my job with frequent long periods if absence., and have been yo yo ing with drugs / cbt/ talking therapies, hv had hideous poor experience with mental health team despite being suicidal, psychiatrist triaged me without seeing or speaking to me, put me on 225venlafaxine and 30 mirtazapine, I also take diazepam and zopiclone.but still feel horrendous. he recommended urgent high impact psychological therapies but bn told 6 month wait for that, can't bear thought of living like this, also frequent panic attacks , social anxiety, v low mood, but also can't face possibility of trying suicide and failing And just being burden to my kids. Counsellors hv tried to suggest kids shld b enough to stop me wanting to be dead, but really can't see how living with me non functioning like this is any better, I am sorry I hv no answers but do really empathise

[Hidden]

Sorry for a very late reply. Thank you so much to all those who took the time to reply to my message.

The reason for my late reply is that I have been in a not so good place mentally. Every day is up and down. I am exhausted by how I feel, and that is the reason I have not been up to replying. I hope you may understand.

The mental health team has disappeared. I cannot even bother to contact them. They passed me from one person to another and each person told me they would refer me to another and so on. I then receive copies of letters from them, where half of what I tell them. seems to not be what I actually told them!

I realise the mental health teams have very little money but at least they should be getting details right. Even after all these years I have to keep reciting very traumatic details of what I have gone through to mental health team professionals as either the ones I saw before have left, or the paperwork has "somehow gone missing"

Seriously if it was not quite so tragic, it would be laughable. So I have switched off.

Regarding day centres, there are none where I live, which is quite a rural place. There is nothing of any help. There is no MIND centre near here.

I am trying so hard to get even a tiny bit better, but it does not happen. This is it, unless I have a brain transplant. I try and work around how I feel, but as I am sure many of you know yourselves, this also depends on how you feel in the very first place, - a vicious circle

Sorry for such a miserable post. I do have better days too, and I appreciate them so much. I take a lot of pleasure from the simplest of things. My animals keep me going too, so it is not all gloom and doom.

I am now off to read your replies. Thank you all again. x

Love to you all & may you have lots of good days ahead x

[evita2015]

bless you, i really do relate to your post. im in such a dark,anxious , depressed place with seemingly no end or escape. like you i would feel too guilty to leave my pets , but suicide does seem like a desirable option at times. i cant switch myself on to motivate myself but also cant switch myself off to relax. things seem impossible and everything idea i have to improve things or to try new things , my mind instantly finds pitfalls and reasons not to do them xx

[Hidden in reply to evita2015]

Evita, Thank you for your reply.

I am sorry to hear how you are feeling. I understand completely what you wrote. It is how I feel.

How are you feeling today?

I am shutting down, and have given up. On the surface I must appear to be coping but underneath, I have lost all hope. Every day is just another day of the previous. If I have a better day, it is rare.

My pets do keep me going, but just lately I find myself thinking that maybe they would be better off without me, their miserable owner, who brings no other people into their world.

I do everything and I mean everything to feel better, and nothing works. I am tired in fact exhausted by it all. I am sure I could sleep for weeks on end if I could.

How I am feels like a life prison sentence that I am serving, and I have no other option but to deal with it, however suicide sometimes seems like a way out, but then I am too scared to try. The thought of it scares me. I wonder how some people are not too scared to go ahead and do it? Maybe they get to a certain place and are not scared?

Anyway, today the sun is shining, I am alone as ever, no family nor friends, but I have my dog and cats, so that is a reason to keep going. I am off to give them a cuddle and feed them. Will walk my dog in a while.

I get so down when walking him sometimes and see other people..

Last night families were out and having fun it seemed, and people were having barbecues, and there was a family party at a hall near me, a couple of cars sped by with young people in them going out on a Saturday night, couples and couples with their friends, and groups of friends went by looking happy, and there was me, dressed nicely, hair done, make up on, walking my dog and on my own as ever. It stung, seeing everyone leading their lives being happy. I was not jealous. It just further reminded me of what a lonely life I lead, and how I have no one. It makes me feel invisible. In fact I wished last night that I was invisible. I felt embarrassed.

Ok sorry to sound so down....I will be positive and remind myself of what I do have, which is not much but some do not even have that

I hope you have a better day and better days ahead of you.

xx