I'm close to jumping into my car and sodding off.

[Shell91]

So, the past few days have been pretty rough. I live with my partner (who i've been with for just over 4 years) and he's been supportive all the way through my ups and downs. Until recently. I don't know if this is just him becoming sick of the same old crap, or whether he's fed up of being with a person who is miserable most of the time. Don't get me wrong, i'm not always crying or finding bad in everything - i tend to save it for when i'm alone now. It's just, on my really bad days, he seems to give off the oh-here-we-go-again vibe. Not the response that normally helps.

But here comes the worst bit. A few days ago i discovered my partner had been on the internet...on websites, etc, that he shouldn't be. Not going to go into details, but i was pretty upset. I'm sure you guys can imagine the sort of stuff. It made me feel completely worthless. He used to be so loving, dedicated and thoughtful. He still is sometimes, (when it suits), but things have changed. Anyway, we ended up in a row and he was adamant that he didn't want the relationship to end. So me, being the forgiving prat, said we'd just forget about it. Thing is - it's not the first time this has cropped up. He's never cheated (and neither have i) - but the trust has been broken.

So all this, along with him being unreasonably distant, has sent me back into my little depressive hole. Not that i'm ever far from it, mind. I'm just stuck as to what to do. I know if push came to shove, and we went our separate ways, it would be the end of me. But at the same time, i'm getting pretty tired of feeling like i'm not good enough. It's not helping, and he should know that.

So this concludes my Monday night rant. I know to some people it might sound silly. But to me, it's stuff such as this that seems to push me back down into my hole. And one person can only take so much. Maybe jumping into my car and just having a couple of days away would help...but the problems are still going to be here when i get back. And i'm worried that if i did decide to take a trip, i wouldn't be coming back.

[Hidden]

Oh dear Shell not an easy one this. I don't think men see it quite the way we do. To them its harmless. I have always found men can divorce sex from love. But we are quite different aren't we. I would hate it too...

But the point is if he still does it knowing you hate it and it makes you feel undermined and depressed then he should be sensible to your feelings and stop it. That I think is the real issue here and the one you need to discuss with him. Try and tell him calmly how it makes you feel. Its better to talk this way rather than saying he makes you feel this way. If you see what I mean. That way he won't see you as attacking him and you might get through.

Hope this helps.

Bev x

[Hidden]

Hi

Sorry you are both having a hard time. It sounds as though a bit of a gulf has developed between you without either of you realising it. His turning to... on the net is probably his safe way of indulging fantasies because he's feeling lonely and unloved, even though it's obvious that you do love and value him. Perhaps it would help if you had a few sessions with a marital counsellor? You do need to talk with him about how you've been feeling and to reassure him of your love for him. If you find you can't both talk closely then Relate have excellent counsellors and charge according to ability to pay.

Suexx

[coatpin]

If you end up shouting, theres always relate, so that you can talk through this and feel he is really listing, and hearing you. When we feel threatened, we just cant talk, and keep it inside, which makes us feel rotten.

Dont ever feel that you cant cope without this man, as often we find we can cope really well without them, and in fact, they canbe part of the problem. Again, relate will, be able to pick that up.

good luck either way.

[Photogeek]

Hi there, definitely men dont view this internet as bad and so on, its as someone says his way of coping with whats going on. I think you really need to tell him you love and want him but this makes you feel bad etc. I know when Depression sets we do or at least I do become maybe a self centred, and it doesnt leave room for anothers little problems maybe. I think running away wont help, and please dont ever say you could not cope without him, that is not a reason to stay in any unsuitable relationship. You need to see what you really want in your relationship, maybe try and bring back that old spark that was there. Im sure really he doesnt mean to make you feel that your not good enough. Its a visual thing for me, Ok I hope this has helped you in some way, please concentrate on you and be good to yourself, take care and feel free to rant any time.

[Photogeek]

Sorry Bev, meant to say that its a visual thing for men. (Not me ha ha)

[annie87]

Hi hope your ok

I am depressed and my hubby started being distant for while I think this is normal in relationships as we women hold everything together and when we crack the man cracks to, they are to used to us being strong, (as my partner told me). We sorted things out when my antidepressants kicked in and we are back to normal now. Don't be upset or let the internet ruin your relationship have a good talk with your hubby

all the best annie x

[SueBeeSue]

Hi Shell, I've messaged you. Sue xx

[GreyDays]

I've asked my partner how he deals with it emotionally when I have the doom and gloom as I put it. If you take a look at my blog 5 days ago, I was then having a doom and gloom time and everything was wrong, wrong WRONG. Five days on and I have a lighter mood.

My partner becomes indifferent, uncaring, insensitive and I feel he is punishing me. His slant on it is that he is too scared to say too much otherwise both his ears will be pinned back by the torrent of venom I hit him with should he say it he wrong thing, do the wrong thing, look the wrong way but he says that is preferable to the sobbing.

It's not great that your partner chooses to find distraction the way he does but it could be oh so much worse. Some say if he knows it upsets you then he should stop and in an ideal world I'm sure he would, the same way that we know our depressions upset our partners we would stop if only we could. I'm not saying he doesn't have it within him to stop, just that there are a whole host of alternatives he could do that would be a whole lot worse.

Could the two of you not go off for a couple of days, new surrounding and no computers?

Just a thought.