Really trying

[rrichardson]

Hello, I have been struggling lately with being very pissed off and wanting to just move away. I know these thoughts are completely irrational and would be ignorant on my part. Somedays I wish I could just run away and start my life over. I have two daughters both of which I love dearly, but honestly want to escape their fathers entirely. Yes, I have two kids and they have different fathers.

My oldest daughter's father was a drug addict and very abusive. I just couldn't get enough of him and thought I needed him. I kept letting him come back even after all he had done. Part of me hated him and the other part of me wanted to change him. I don't regret my daughter, just who her father is.

My younger daughter's father is significantly older than me and had two other kids (one of which commited suicide last year) and at first things were great for about a year. Once I got pregnant I started feeling insecure and of course had to change my medicine that had worked so well (in reality it only made me feel numb metaphorically), but I would have rather felt that than all the pain. I had severe depression and I guess paranoia while being pregnant. I was always suspicious and it caused severe anxiety. Our relationship went down hill after that first year and honestly at times I hate him. He can be so vindictive and condescending, but of course it is all me anyways. Anyhow, I just needed to vent because I am so pissed.

[SomeMuthaFunky]

Vent away. I need to do the same sometimes. When I get depressed I feel the same and start to feel that everyone around me is the cause. I too want to run away but in all honesty we carry our baggage with us. Concentrate on getting straight then have a look at your relationship. I'm married to a remarkable woman who understands my illness but she must get tired sometimes. Could this be the case for your partner?

[rrichardson in reply to SomeMuthaFunky]

It could be. It would help if he was educated and actually learned about it. Being a mean person isn't going to make anything better or throwing it in someone's face. I wish I didn't have bpd and was a normal person, but I'm not and can't get better with all this stress. I have seriously wanted to go into a mental hospital, but I know I can't because of my daughters. They have no place to go and honestly I don't trust my own family to keep them.

There is something healing about talking to complete strangers about your issues. I can't even talk to my own family about my problems because no one understands. My whole childhood I have felt alone and empty. Now I have answers and just want it all to end.