Need A Helping Hand Out Of The Dark Cloud

[j_a_w94]

Hi everyone, I have been lying in bed all day feeling lethargic and restless. My mind is battle field - fighting anxiety, fear, anger and sadness. I'm posting this in need of a hand to pull me out of a dark storm and give me some clarity.

I was diagnosed with anorexia at the start of the year and wanted to get help. Getting CBT which I still have on a weekly basis also made me realise that I have been suffering from depression for over 15 years. Since being diagnosed with a ED, I have been gaining weight in a healthy way and have really enjoyed eating and socialising with friends and family (something I would never had done pre-diagnosis!). I've been for the first time in my life, truly happy.

However, nearly three months ago I broke my heel and have been in a non-weight bearing state for all this time. Ultimately gaining weight (around 20lbs) I now feel incredibly uncomfortable in my body. For the most part, I have recognised that the weight gain is a natural part of the process and maintaining a good relationship with food and being happy is what is important. However, I live in a toxic environment at home where my dad thinks that me gaining weight, ruining my summer by breaking my heel and sometimes having suicidal thoughts is quite amusing - to say the least.

Last weekend, I went away with my two best friends and it was amazing. I was so happy; eating wasn't an issue and I didn't care that I was on crutches and my clothes hardly fitted. I cried with happiness twice and I couldn't stop smiling.

However, since coming home - back to the environment where i am rebuked, disrespected and unsupported, my depression has become immersive triggering not just dark thoughts but also anorexic traits.

For the last week, I have limited my calorie intake to 1400 calories and haven't been eating with the rest of my family.

I feel like I'm doing good by losing weight but at the same time, the obsessive calorie counting is a mutated form of happiness that is isolating and exhausting.

On top of all this, me and my best friends are trying to move out and a beautiful Georgian house in an amazing city has our name on it but due to my friends contract we may not get it. He is away and needs to contact his work by tomorrow morning otherwise we wont get the house. The stress of not being able to reach this perfect house in this amazing city with my best friends is sending me into a huge panic. I am so desperate to break away and this wonderful opportunity (a taster of what I had from the previous weekend) is right there but it could all disappear. If it does, I fear it will spiral me into a further depression.

I would really like some support in pulling me out of this dark rut

[Charliew95]

Sometimes the ones who are supposed to love us can be the cruelest, it sounds like you need to make the break and get out the toxicity, its easy to give advice on the thoughts but i know aswell as anyone when they come they come thick and fast. When im on down days i always look at things that motivate me mine is drawing and tattoos, aswell as my little boy who forces a smile onto my face daily. Keep your head high, weight is a temporary issue, it can seem a massive burden but in the scheme of things whats 20lb over a lifetime? That will come and go. I hope you feel better in the morning focus on the good times and dont loose your head

[tofler]

From what you've said, moving out and living with your friends sounds like a very positive move for you. The problem is that any sort of house move is fraught with all sorts of legal, financial and practical difficulties, so lots of things can go wrong and stop a move from happening. If you don't manage to get this house, another house will come along for you. It might not be a beautiful Georgian house but the most important thing here is that you get to move away from a toxic environment and live in a much more positive environment with your friends (and I don't think it'll matter if that's in a beautiful Georgian house or in a shed, being with your friends in a positive environment is the most important thing for your mental health). If this house move doesn't go ahead (but I really hope it does!), then start looking for another property straight away and start planning and researching all the different aspects of moving home because doing this planning will at least help you to feel like you're moving forwards and that you have an escape route from your current toxic situation. Good luck with it all!