Twist the knife

[Searching123]

Yesterday was a bad day for me. The black cloud had me. I had the longest sleep, didn't rise until half eleven this morning. I woke to a barrage on nasty texts from my mum, telling me to fuck off and I'm a silly little cow and she understands why my grandparents refused to look at me ( this was simply because I was in a same sex relationship, that's good reason to disown your granddaughter apparently. Lol.)

Before I looked at my phone and saw all this I was about to make breakfast, even though my appetite has been non existent lately I felt like I could tolerate something; by the time I'd reached the last message my appetite once again disappeared. She's got a habit of doing this, even in the worst moments in my life she's kicked me when I'm down. Is it really a wonder I've been left with the conclusion that there's nothing but self centred cruelty left in our world.

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Searching

You need to understand, older generations have different ideas and expectations, I was brought up for most of my time by people born and lived in the Victorian/Edwardian period and their ideas and even how they spoke was quite different. We learn from those around us. My actual family were not nice people, I was brought up more strict than my two sisters ten years later, there was no continuity especially in my case with a Surrogate family.

Calling a child because you disagree with their life choices is very common, possibly you will need to make your own way as you get older. I would hope your family will become more responsive when they see you have made good choices and found a Partner who loves and needs you

BOB

[Searching123]

Just to be clear.. this barrage of bullshit was not because of my sexuality. Me and my mum haven't had anything resembling a civil conversation for near in two years, today was her randomly popping up to vent and and bring me down. The relevance of my sexuality was only my grandparents opinion and simply me giving additional information on my post. As for my age, I'm 23 and a mother to my five month old son so It's safe to say I have indeed found my own way, my mum has been like my entire life, she just waited until I was thirteen to aim it at me. Thanks for responding though.

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Hiya, I do not think it is acceptable for anyone to send inappropriate text messages, ever - there is simply no justification for it. I suppose either you could choose not to read such texts and/or make it clear to your mum that her behaviour towards you is not acceptable and damaging to your relationship. We all need boundaries and red lines (yes, even older people like me !). If possible, avoid any negativity and aggression in your life, whatever the source - it is physically and mentally draining - and surround yourself with positive people, thoughts and activities. It's hard to believe sometimes, but there is more good than bad in this world. Take care,

[Searching123]

Sebastian58, thank you. That was refreshing to read. I cannot count how many times I've put my emotions aside and explained that to her, I'm never met with anything but continued nasty digs and outright goading confrontation. She doesn't know how to make herself stop, I know she's not well but I miss her so much sometimes I fight myself for days not to reach out to her because I know the response I get will just hurt my heart. She kicked me out when I was thirteen so I'm more than used to being without her, but I'd still see her at least once a year. It was a very on off relationship but we still had the on periods, it's been nearly two years since it's been just nothing. It's just hard to accept that this is really how it has to be, even though I know this is exactly the way it has to be. Unless she gets help. Makes it harder that she's the only person in my life that would actually understand what's going on with my head you know. Xx

[pixiewixie]

Hello Searching. Wouldn't it be so lovely if we could change a person. However a person will not change unless they want to. Sometimes other people are blind to the heartbreak they cause others, sometimes they really do not care. It is awful when someone you care about hurts you so much & rejects you as an equal human being. Can your mum change? It sounds like you care about your mum & want her blessings, even after being kicked out @ 13. Do you think your mum understands what is going on in your head, you sound much more mature than your mum. You poor wee soul, it sounds like you just want your mum to be a caring warm person who returns your hugs & comforts you. You are now a mum who has a little one who needs you here & now & you are there for him. I wish you peace & caring, I do hope that you know how brave & smart you are. Your mum is the one loosing out. I agree with Sebastian 58 regarding your mother's communications & I feel Ynging is right about the importance of boundaries, ( for self protection).

Take care x Pixiewixie

[Searching123 in reply to pixiewixie]

Pixiewixie, thank you for your reply. You seem to be a compassionate soul, you managed to empathise and see the root of the issue.. I cannot help her change. God knows I've tried. She is painfully blind, she's successfully lost everyone that's ever loved her because her perspectives are awfully self centred. She cannot help but push everyone away, being horrendously hurtful in the process. She's just not well, she was taking medication for manic depression(bipolar) before she fell pregnant with me and for some reason just stayed off them. She spent the last 23 years convincing herself and the rest of the world that's she's fine, it's everyone else that causes issues. I feel the same highs and lows in myself so I understand but I cannot understand why she would rather run from the little girl she wanted so much and the grandson she's never met, than face herself. I wish I could make her better, I just wish I could have my Mum back. For the duration she refuses to acknowledge herself and her isssues I have to protect myself from her vicious ways and words and stay away, the heartbreaking thing is I don't think she'll ever face it. Such is life, it all happens for a reason eh. Xx

[pixiewixie]

You are wise & even though you ask the question it seems that you can always answer what you know as the real truths. You are so different from your mother even if you have high & low moods. You are so vulnerable with your little one so young. Have you support & someone who cares about you? I have different things I could tell you about what you could do but I am not hear to preach, rather to empathise & understand. However if you are your mother's kicking stone it can be so hard to be seen as a person with needs, especially the need of having a mum. You have a beautiful little baby who needs you, try not to let your mum encroach on that! Dear Searching you can only ask your mum to visit & you can only tell her that you love her but the consequences depends a lot on her. Neither you nor I can change a person, even a mother. If you can help her & she is receptive then there may be progress. It seems that you have tried & in return have been further hurt. Now look at your precious little one & give him & yourself all the effort you have pushed into an unbalanced relationship. Sorry I said I was not going to preach & I apologise if I have crossed that line! Rest & try hard to allow yourself some peace. You have reached out to your mum only she can reach back. If you think she is really ill then perhaps her doctor could be quietly informed.

I wish you peace and love & the understanding that you can only do as much as is accepted. Xx Pixiewixie

[Searching123]

You have certainly not crossed any lines at all, your understanding means more than I could put into words. I wish my mother could understand what you have in one snippet of a post. If only wishes weren't whispers lost to fairytales eh. That is exactly the solution I came to, my little boy deserves everything I have at it's best. I'll make sure to give him exactly that. Thank you for your words and support. I truly appreciate it xx