Knee-jerk impulse

[Finglas-Boy]

Feeling very scared that I'm gonna be standing @ the railway station as the express comes thundering through & cannot resist the knee jerk impulse to simply step into it's path. Not afraid of death just the pain I'll cause to those left behind. As long as my suffering can be over like switching off a light. Concerne @ the thought of getting things wrong & leaving those I love with the task & trauma of caring for a "vegetable".

[DMM218 Ambassador]

Dear sweet wonderful boy please phone the samaritians now. You need to speak to someone now. Your life is yours. You can decide to end it but suicide is often because of extreme emotional pain that we can no longer cope with. There is help for you. There is support. You can deal with the pain in other ways. Life is precious. It's isn't nice nor pleasant. It's tough, difficult, unfair. But it's an experience. Everything changes- that's the purpose of life. We live we grow we age we die. What you are going through will not last forever if you have the strength not to end it now.

[DMM218 Ambassador]

Please let me know you are alive. Please tell me if your pain. I want to know what's brought you to this point. I will listen I will hear. I will accept you fully. Please talk to me. My love goes out to you.

[Finglas-Boy in reply to DMM218]

Hi DMM218. Have just sent you a msg. Hope you've gotten it. Internet connection isn't that good where we are.

[sweetiepye]

This is really about a fear of losing control. A little therapy can help you get rid of it. Talk to your Doc. Pam

[Finglas-Boy]

Hi sweetiepye & thanks. Don't know what it is about today but it's been a long time since I've felt this unsure/isolated. Went to Dr on Friday but it wasn't a very encouraging consult. I know he's busy/overworked/underpaid & it would be unfair to say the experience contributed to my feelings here. However I can only be truthful & say I feel worse for having seen the Dr.

[DMM218 Ambassador in reply to Finglas-Boy]

Been there - sometimes I wonder at mental health professionals. Yes we can have a bad day, but sometimes we don't realise the effect on others. For mentally ill people that effect can be incredibly damaging. However, you have worked thru that or are trying to - big pat on back - seriously - huge achievement. I hope soon the medical profession might reconsider how they treat us.

[Finglas-Boy]

I know my Dr wouldn't have meant his comment in the way I interpreted it &. Al have "bad hair days" I guess. Just found myself heading out of the consult thinking "WTF do I have to do ......."?! Had the good ensue to phone secretary & say I'm working from home today. + it's my birthday tomorrow so I'm gonna have the safety net of family today/tomorrow. That fear is just so nagging @ back of my mind; Like toothache or an itch & that's what scares me more than if I'm planning leaving it all behind to the last detail.

[Sarah1111111 Ambassador]

Is there any way you ,can stay around family for a bit longer? I know when I felt like that it didn't take the thoughts away but by staying with my step mother it meant I had less opportunity to act on them as thee was always someone else around.

I'm sorry your doctor wasn't much help I think some of them don't get it still . Is there anyway you can get help without going through your GP? If you a in the uk IAPT services/talking therapies/talking health whatever they call themselves in your area will be able to assess you and offer some support and you can self refer to them.

Please don't act in your thoughts, which I know is easier said than done, keep talking to us and to Samaritans we are all here to help you

[Finglas-Boy]

Hi Sarah. Thank you so much for getting in touch. I do appreciate it. It's my big day today so there are plenty of distractions & family are certainly around. The times I'm starting to dread are the early hours when I'm lying in bed & everyone else is sleeping. That's when the dark thoughts come.