Abortion has me in a downward spiral

[Misty732]

Warning for a little tmi post. I just need to vent and get some advice.

Six months ago I made the decision to terminate an unplanned pregnancy. I was taking the pill at the time which made it all the more difficult. I believed what they told me, that it would just be like a heavy period, and was initially relieved to stop vomiting and be able to eat after becoming very ill, dehydrated and losing weight in a short few weeks. My partner and I both struggle with anxiety and depression, and I relied very heavily on him before discovering I was pregnant. Immediately after my second appointment he told me to leave because he couldn't deal with me needing even more from him when he had nothing left. My family did not know about any of this so I went home to my parent's house, and for the next ten days I shut myself away unable to talk or be with anyone whilst passing the remains of the pregnancy. It was the single most terrifying, lonely, and saddening experience of my life. Since then my partner and I did get back together and he wishes he hadn't left me alone. I feel though, like that has caused me most damage. First I lose this potential chance of a family, then I lose the person I created it with, the person I love.

I keep getting flashbacks, and everything I experience is akin to the symptoms of PTSD.

If we drive in the direction of the clinic, I am reminded. I feel the sickness in my stomach.

If I smell strong savoury food, the smell that made me sick during pregnancy, I am reminded.

I loathe coming off my pill to bleed because all I see are the remains of a lost pregnancy. Those that terrified me as I wondered if they should look like that or be that big.

I felt like I couldn't tell my family because my sister had fallen pregnant just two months prior. How could I tell everyone who was celebrating this new addition that I had killed mine.

Being surrounded by baby items made things worse. Sometimes when I am out shopping I can't help but indulge in the baby aisles, wondering what I would've bought, other times I shy away as it becomes real and painful again.

No matter how much I try and reason with myself I always feel self loathing. As if I killed my child. I feel like a poor excuse for a human. I always knew my decision if this were ever to happen to me. But the reality of the aftermath is getting too much. It sucks me in and I can't escape.

[sweetiepye]

Dear Misty, You made a decision, you carried it through, it can't be undone, beating yourself up will serve no purpose. It will probably always cause you some sadness, but you will learn to live with it. Try to be a little kinder to yourself. People make mistakes and live with regrets all the time. Maybe this isn't a regret for you, maybe it's more serious than you thought it would be. If you aren't feeling better in a few months talk to a professional. About your partner...in your next crises he will behave the same way...he will leave you to deal with it and come back when its cleaned up. So you have another decision. Pam

[Hidden]

Misty

You need to talk this out.

Please go see your GP and explain what has happened, to move on you need to talk with someone who will not judge you or have various other motives.

At this time it would seem you are handling this alone and the Father of the aborted seems not to understand or mature enough to help you. He has let you down and I suppose if that has happened once it will be difficult for you to be able to trust Him if you marry or live together, especially if He pressurized you to get rid of your child.

Remember you are not the first or last to loose a child, your GP will not judge and will help with a treatment plan so you can move on and live your future life with someone who will live and support you through thick and thin

BOB

[Osuki]

It's so hard to turn this around by yourself I think you would benefit from the support of a post abortion group blog, Netmums has one and if you Google post abortion support you will find others. You are grieving and grief comes in waves and takes time, let it happen and allow yourself this grief without the guilt, bringing a baby into the world and not being able to look after it is not a good plan either so remind yourself of this and forgive yourself for your action this is the only way you will find peace. My daughter went through what you are going through and we have put various rituals in place to acknowledge and remember. with best wishes

[Kittykatxxxxx]

Hi Misty .

How you are feeling , your emotions etc. are normal . Every woman feels differently after termination . Things sound overwhelming for you I think you need some support / counselling for this .

Your partner let you down when you needed him and that's no okay , you matter .

This is something you can live with . 1 in 3 women will have a termination. Its more common than you think . You can still have a family.

Take care of yourself x