What am I doing?

[MJ1994]

Hi,

I'm 22 and married at 18. we had a rocky time last year but we are now stronger than ever. We are back on track getting our first home sorted, even though getting a mortgage has been a complete nightmare.

My family are very supportive, as much as they can be.

I hide everyday with a fake smile and a fake sense of happiness, I don't think there has been a time in my life where I have been happy. My uncle (mum's brother) was killed in a motor bike accident and 6 weeks later my mum was murdered by my step dad. He took me to the place where she died the day before... as a "family outing". This all happened by the time I was 5 years old.

I lived with my mums parents most of my life in Spain! sounds ideal, but to be honest I was so lost and scared - being an orphan and alone. My grandparents are amazing and did absolutely everything for me, I couldn't fault them. I just have a constant fear that I've let them down and used them as they were going to retire before both of their children died. I now look after my granddad who is dying of cancer and other health problems, it just seems very unfair on his life to be in such pain.

I know I am EXTREMLY grateful for the family and husband I have, they are my everything but I just cannot be happy.. I know I am lucky and fortunate but I am feeling extremely low. I've been diagnosed with PTSD, Depression and panic attacks/anxiety. I don't take medication because I don't feel giving myself drugs would be ideal - I have tried but it doesn't feel right.

I've tried CBT but that was completely useless and had to repeat my story every time I went to the session.

I really appreciate any help or advice, I am just at a complete loss

[Hidden]

Hi what an awful story and I have tears in my eyes reading it. No wonder you are in such pain.

The idea of meds is to help make you a bit better and more able to cope with your issues. Once you feel better you can start to heal yourself. After all if you had a physical illness such as diabetes you wouldn't think twice before taking anything would you? There is no point in trying to 'tough it out'. If this works for you though fine - if not you need to consider it.

I think you need a different kind of counselling than CBT. More aimed at treating your PTSD. I don't know whether it is available on the NHS (if you are in the UK). If not you might have to pay for it.

If you don't want to go the medical route, and that's entirely up to you, then there is only the self help one left. Look at mindfullness, meditation and yoga etc. online.

[MJ1994 in reply to Hidden]

Oh bless you, Thank you very much, I will speak with my GP again - I'm in the south of the UK. I think you're right there

Thank you very much, Michelle x

[Hidden in reply to MJ1994]

You are very welcome. Meantime stay with us on here and we will help and support you all we can. Take care xx

[Lx91]

Hi. It sounds like you have had a lot of awful things happen in your life that you need to talk to someone about. I agree with lilaclil that counselling would be better than CBT, I did CBT and found it a complete waste of time as they didn't want to listen to and resolve my past they just wanted to 'fix' me for the future and until we have accepted and moved on from our past we are not ready for that.

I know that taking medication isn't for everyone and it's not a 'quick fix' but I think it can help you to gain control in the closer future so that you feel strong enough for counselling and that then maybe once you are feeling happier with the medication and some more outside support in place you could stop taking them but of course this is for you to decide.

I don't know if you are in the UK but you can self refer yourself to your local mental health team which may br useful as they can put you into contact with lots of different people/groups and will give you someone to speak to regularly also.

It is amazing that you have support from your family and that you and your husband have worked things out (I went through the same last yr, had a horrible yr and seperated for a few months but better than ever now).

Maybe getting extra help now is perfect timing...new house, new start.

Good luck

L x

[MJ1994 in reply to Lx91]

Hi

Thank you so much, I think you are definitely right and I will speak to my GP. I'm glad things are good for you and your partner now too.

Thank you so much for helping me, Michelle x

[Lx91 in reply to MJ1994]

I hope it goes well! Good luck.

L x