Getting worse

Hello, I've had a incurable kidney disease amongst other things for over 40 years....have tried for so long to "deal" with it but as I've got older it has caused+created so many other health problems. It got so bad that I took an overdose at 1am a while ago but failed, woke up the next morning with a blinding headache. But as I'd sent emails apologising to my brother+sister just before going to bed they got in touch with my gp who rang and suggested I visit him with my bags of medication.....

Long story short he sent me in a cab to a hospital who decided that I was at risk+regardless of the fact that I was the only 1 intent on going, I was "detained" for want of a better description for nearly a month.

That was a few years ago and with help from support groups and carer visits three times a day I'm still here...

For the last 4 or more years I've been having panic attacks on top of everything else, no matter what I try or do things are again jus gettin on top of me, I honestly don't wana be here anymore,pain drives me insane, I'm either drinking fluids, taking meds or pissing!! I'm lucky if I get 60-75mins sleep before I have to use the bucket!

I'm so totally and utterly fed up with this crap so called life.. If I was a dog I'd have been put down years ago fcol. There's not one day go by where the suicidal thoughts enter my mind.

I'm scared to try again but the thought of what state I'm gona be in as I get older is always on my mind,

Gota stop cos jus doin this is soul destroying and taken me bloody ages to do, it's only 10:20am but took my 11am meds at 8:25,

Thanks for listnin


6 Replies

  • Hi I have tears in my eyes reading your story. I couldn't imagine what it's like to live with such pain and no wonder you want out. No one could blame you.

    The only thing I can think about is have you ever had a referral to a pain clinic? I have never been to one myself but have heard good things about them from others. Is this a possibility for you?

    Giving you a great big hug xxxx

  • It is upsetting to hear how you feel on a day to day basis .. Now you are here CrAzYcRiPpLe I hope you will find some self help techniques in order to ease your discomfort if by only a little, it would be a huge breakthrough

  • What a struggle you have to face, all the time. I'm not surprised you feel desperate. Lilaclil's suggestion about the pain clinic is a good one. Also, are there any other support groups you could join (virtual, or through your surgery/hospital)? It won't change your situation but it might help to talk to other chronically ill people for moral support and to pick up some coping strategies. I'm guessing you're quite isolated so wonder if you could arrange a regular visitor to watch tv with you or play cards or just chat. Only little ideas, I know, but any improvement, however tiny, will bring you some benefit.

    Good luck.

  • I understand how bad your feeling. My problems are too specific and embarrassing and I wouldn't want to bore you, but I've been there, sent the email and was devastated when I woke up. Like you I often feel I want a way out but I'm also afraid it won't work. 🤓childish I know but I thought I'd send you a silly face to see if it made you smile. I felt a sense of relief just reading your message just to hear I'm not the only one feeling this way.

  • Its incredibly hard to tell people my story......I was brought up not to be "soft" and "boys don't cry" sort of era......not through any fault of my parents, they were/are amazingly helpful, like me I'm sure they found it a struggle but tried successfully to hide it.

    I was in and out of guys for years being carved up, cut open front to back both sides, even 3 ops over 1 Christmas cos of "complications" as they told my parents.....the last one I was awake as they couldn't put me out so I saw all the tubes, sounds and smells of every single thing, even now just the thought of even visiting someone in hospital fills me with fear, makes me sweat feel sick panicky etc etc, I'm meant to see a nephrologist tomorrow morning but cant face goin so one of my daughters is going to cancel it first thing.....

    I know it's bloody crazy and regardless of what they say or want to do it is entirely down to me whether I let them but my last internment started out as a clinical appointment.......

    I'm leaking so bad atm+feel so ashamed and worried what my kids wld think if they turn up out of the blue but just writing it down knowing someone is reading it is making me feel better which is crazy in a strange sort of way.......😭🤐😳

    I'm sorry if I upset anyone, it honestly isn't my intention, I would like to say thank you to replies I received....

    I tried pain clinic but got fed up being insinuated as being a drug seeker!! I lied to employers so I could work ffs!! Did washing up swept floors peeled veg etc, did lots of things but I was working!!

    I had to give up work about 10 years ago I think, I couldn't run up n down stairs as fast anymore or stand for very long without it feeling like my testes were in a vice and being hit wiv a hammer or worse, pain just suddenly gets worse makes me gasp and fall over, I've kissed the door frame and eaten loads of floor but, the first thing I always do is look round to see if someone saw me... told you I was crazy.....

    Not every day is this bad but as I'm getting older (57 now😩) the bad days seem to be out numbering the good....

    I cant do anymore at the moment, it's taking too much out ov me I'm scared I'll get a visitor and I cant let them see me like this, thank you all ever so much


  • Sorry Lucy

    I hope u feel better soon, I forgot to say......

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