I have gone through some bad "spells" of depression, i will get extremely low for what can be either years or months, then i can have periods of time where i feel i am actually coping. Right now i'm having the worst spell i can recall. I feel like i'm just getting worse and worse. Every day the slightest thing sends me into tears, everyday just requires a huge amount of effort which i don't have right now! I have lost all appetite, i have to practically force myself to eat and when i do it's just bland and tastes like mush. And as much as i'm embarressed to admit it my personal hygiene is awful, if i didnt have to go to work every day id quite happily go weeks without showering.
I can't even decide if my job is making me unhappy as this is when it all started or if i'm just generally unhappy which makes my job appear bad. I get thoughts of quitting every day, it's just too much to handle. Id like some time to maybe pick up the courage to get help, sort myself out for a bit, then look into a nice part time job instead of full time. But i'm already panicking that no one will want to hire me if i have quit my job.
Ive spoken to my parents, they said they can usually tell when i'm having a bad episode but to them ive seemed "alright" lately. When in reality it is because i usually talk to them when i'm upset but i can't actually talk to them without crying anymore so i just hold it in. They have mentioned going to the GP but they are aware of the vicious cycle of suffering with bad anxiety, and so being afraid to get help, to talk to a stranger, to be pushed out of my comfort zone. I had a bad experience last time i went to councelling and so my parents are offering to pay for me to go private.
I just feel so lost, and lazy? Like i'm scared to get help, but also i literally can not be bothered to help myself. That sounds so bad of me i know but it's true, i have no effort. My friend took an overdose a few weeks back, she was okay but hospitalised at the time. And the sick thing is i almost envied them. I mean at the time i was hugely upset as i knew she was in trouble but had no way of getting to her. That was her way of calling for help, she wasnt expected to go to work afterwards, she could just concentrate on herself and thats all i want. I mean obviously i know an overdose is not the answer and you can get help without hospitalising yourself but i just envied the peace.