In limbo

I've seen some people posting on here when they feel low.

I posted a while back the 'praying for mania' post (stupid title I know).

I'm posting again because I just have to.

I try not to do this sort of thing because, let's face it I'm in a low phase right now so that's kind of normal. I'd be posting over and over again the same suicidal rubbish.

However I am finding this period of time very difficult.

I was assessed by the community mental health nurse recently, and have just been placed at the top of the list for an appointment with a psychiatrist. I've been assured I have the appointment assigned but haven't been told when it is yet.

This puts me in a strange kind of limbo. Knowing I am going to finally get help makes me feel very weird. I am ashamed that I am weak, scared of what will happen, worried that I will be diagnosed as a simple 'lazy good-for-nothing' and struggling to figure out how to even begin telling another person about all of the mess in my head.

I already told the nurse I think I may be bipolar, but in the time I was able to talk with her I wasn't able to even touch on many of the other crippling problems in my life that I can't adequately describe.

My long-lost sister (24 years since we even saw each other) appeared on facebook and after we said our heartfelt greeting she declared that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked it up - it runs in families and what do you know, I tick all of the boxes.

Do I feel closer to an answer? No, I feel like a hypochondriac.

Right now this Citalopram that I've been taking for 4 weeks is not doing much except making me cycle really fast through moods. I wake up feeling tired, I go happy and then extremely depressed, even suicidal in the evening.

I have been assured that I am at the top of the list for a psychiatrist appointment directly after the holiday - since I've had a couple of episodes recently where I was certain I would kill myself. and called for help instead of doing it. I will never stop feeling utterly pathetic when somebody has to actually come to my house because I was going to do that. I feel like a child.

To be honest I don't know how many more times I can keep catching myself and asking for help before I start thinking they've had enough of me as much as I have.

Worrying about the next time I embarrass myself like this has led to an increase of self-harm as well. People I didn't know even cared about me are showing up to support me and I feel like a fraud. I know something is wrong but I can't shake the feeling of being utterly pathetic.

Part of the problem as I mentioned is that I still have no idea what is really wrong with me. I can go for a couple of months in an extreme high, and then be depressed for several months. I don't really have a 'normal' because my mind just never stops.

Sometimes the noise in my head gets so bad I have to lie down, run away, escape, get air, hide, whatever. The thoughts in my head don't make sense, are not complete sentences or ideas. Since taking the meds this has been a daily occurrence. It isn't panic as such, because I am not afraid, am not really anything, just 'lost'. Then a switch flips back to 'off' and I sit up, bewildered and wondering what the hell happened.

It isn't new but I just never told anyone. This must be normal right, but other people don't give in to it.

What do I want? People to tell me they know what this is like, that I am not pathetic or stupid and that I don't need to be ashamed of being confused. That this is normal for the limbo between admission and treatment. I wish I could convince myself this is true but I need somebody to affirm it I suppose.

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5 Replies

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  • Hi there, I can see your in pain and your trying to understand all your symptoms. Depression and BiPolar can be very complex and as we are alll different , we will all feel differently.

    Hopefully after Xmas you will get to see a Psychiatrist and begin to stabilise.

    I can sense your blaming yourself and that you feel weak etc, but we are all suffering and it's not our fault, we didn't ask for illness, so please stop blaming yourself, You are ill and It's not your fault and you have no reason to feel shame or that you are " pathetic". At that rate we would all be beating ourselves up.

    If you were a diabetic, would you feel shame ? Would you blame yourself? No of course you would not, so try and be kind to yourself and get through each day. Everyone on thus Forum suffers and it can vary from one to another, but we support each other through the rough times, so you can be yourself here and you will cared for and you won't feel so negative about yourself.

    Please keep in touch here, as it's good to talk over our fears and worries.

    Hannah

  • Lovely reply from Hannah and I totally agree with her. There is still, even today, an air of embarrassment and perceived weakness about opening up about mental health issues. It is still seen by some as a 'flaw' in the personality or that you are inadequate in some way. This is why I think men are more reluctant than women to acknowledge it. The biggest reason for death amongst men aged between 25-40 apparently is suicide - at least in the Western world. It's such a shame.

    Depression and other mental health problems are very common these days and I have heard is the second most popular reason for folk to contact their doctors (backs are no 1).

    Thankfully more and more people are aware of it and I hope this attitude will die out in time.

    You are in the system which is great and you will soon get help. x

  • But you do need to learn to live alongside these symptoms as the psychiatrist is unlikely to provide an instant cure, but will hopefully offer improved treatment options

    Also the fact that your suicidal thoughts are not persistent is good because you can be confident they will settle.

  • It hurts me to think you feel ashamed. We are ill. Please know that many of us feel suicidal, I for one quite often. I have a difficult time fighting the thoughts but as long as we keep on this battle we will be ok somehow. All we can do is take each day as it comes. I have just been through an enthralling time as you may have read. I am nowhere near better but am on a firmer footing than the dodgy soil I was treading. Please know we are here and you can post as many tines as you like. You will get an answer asap

  • When I was admitted to hospital the second time the specialist said you have epilepsy and so after many stabilising meds and visits one comment he made was do you want to see a psychiatrist and I quickly said no , however 9yrs on and discovering recently by accident that I am Bi-polar at least I wish I had said yes . Very much like your circumstances without the citalopram I could of got things off my chest I would have trouble sharing here . Just like you at the moment of my discovery I realised that my mother was bi with psychosis . But it made me realise that it is genetic . As yet I haven't told my wife and we don't keep secrets but we have 3 clever children and she has a small business ( I'm retired ) and I don't feel it's the time to worry her although I feel that two of them and one in particular could be showing signs of being on the edge although as grownups they would not be likely to say anything ........ You have my sympathies , however I certainly wouldn't say no to the psychiatrist what's more I should think If it was me I would be looking forward to it , you have nothing to be ashamed of ..... When I think back about my mom at 16/17 she and I were living alone after moving house to somewhere no one knew us I went to the new doctor and said about her condition he said your dad will have to be there , from that day on I looked after her wellfare till she died 16yrs later I was always able to know when she had missed her meds etc but by perseverance she became absolutely normal ....... Good luck kid a new door is open to you.

    58wilfred58