I've seen some people posting on here when they feel low.
I posted a while back the 'praying for mania' post (stupid title I know).
I'm posting again because I just have to.
I try not to do this sort of thing because, let's face it I'm in a low phase right now so that's kind of normal. I'd be posting over and over again the same suicidal rubbish.
However I am finding this period of time very difficult.
I was assessed by the community mental health nurse recently, and have just been placed at the top of the list for an appointment with a psychiatrist. I've been assured I have the appointment assigned but haven't been told when it is yet.
This puts me in a strange kind of limbo. Knowing I am going to finally get help makes me feel very weird. I am ashamed that I am weak, scared of what will happen, worried that I will be diagnosed as a simple 'lazy good-for-nothing' and struggling to figure out how to even begin telling another person about all of the mess in my head.
I already told the nurse I think I may be bipolar, but in the time I was able to talk with her I wasn't able to even touch on many of the other crippling problems in my life that I can't adequately describe.
My long-lost sister (24 years since we even saw each other) appeared on facebook and after we said our heartfelt greeting she declared that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. I looked it up - it runs in families and what do you know, I tick all of the boxes.
Do I feel closer to an answer? No, I feel like a hypochondriac.
Right now this Citalopram that I've been taking for 4 weeks is not doing much except making me cycle really fast through moods. I wake up feeling tired, I go happy and then extremely depressed, even suicidal in the evening.
I have been assured that I am at the top of the list for a psychiatrist appointment directly after the holiday - since I've had a couple of episodes recently where I was certain I would kill myself. and called for help instead of doing it. I will never stop feeling utterly pathetic when somebody has to actually come to my house because I was going to do that. I feel like a child.
To be honest I don't know how many more times I can keep catching myself and asking for help before I start thinking they've had enough of me as much as I have.
Worrying about the next time I embarrass myself like this has led to an increase of self-harm as well. People I didn't know even cared about me are showing up to support me and I feel like a fraud. I know something is wrong but I can't shake the feeling of being utterly pathetic.
Part of the problem as I mentioned is that I still have no idea what is really wrong with me. I can go for a couple of months in an extreme high, and then be depressed for several months. I don't really have a 'normal' because my mind just never stops.
Sometimes the noise in my head gets so bad I have to lie down, run away, escape, get air, hide, whatever. The thoughts in my head don't make sense, are not complete sentences or ideas. Since taking the meds this has been a daily occurrence. It isn't panic as such, because I am not afraid, am not really anything, just 'lost'. Then a switch flips back to 'off' and I sit up, bewildered and wondering what the hell happened.
It isn't new but I just never told anyone. This must be normal right, but other people don't give in to it.
What do I want? People to tell me they know what this is like, that I am not pathetic or stupid and that I don't need to be ashamed of being confused. That this is normal for the limbo between admission and treatment. I wish I could convince myself this is true but I need somebody to affirm it I suppose.