Commitment phobic nightmare.

i got sent home today for crying uncontrollably at work. I've been seeing a girl for a year and a half and it's been on and off as I'm a commitment phobe. In that time when we were together and apart a lot and every time we were together the commitment issues would kick in and I would back off and then when I had some time away from her I realised I had a problem as she's perfect. Loving, caring etc. In a year and a half we split about 5 times 5th being the last time about 2 weeks ago. Half way through during a split I realised how much I loved her and decided to start seeing a counsellor we were both excited and she was proud of me that I was making a proper go. It turned out that the reason I had this phobia was because of abandonment. From the age of 8 to 16 my mother who I am very close to left my dad multiple times for other men and if felt like she was leaving me too. I clearly remember at 15 running down the road after her not knowing if she'd return. She did and is now with my father at 65, I'm 38 and can remember all my life almost serial dating girls only go lose interest usually a couple of months in I lose interest when nothing is wrong and things are going well. I used to put it down to they can't be right for me but this time I knew I was in love so was trying hard to change as I knew she was the one! I'd just got there as I had made all the right changes in my life but it was too late on our last split. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her as I've never found love like it before. I wrote a love letter to her telling her I've finally nailed it. But it's too late I'd put her through too much and she'd reached a dead end with me. I hadn't sorted it when I had the chances. She once loved me with all her heart and being with and without her was the best therapy at both our expense. She was at the end bug I felt it was the beginning of something really special. We both don't really believe in marriage but in my letter explaining myself was the closest thing to a proposal. But she just doesn't have the drive anymore. I can't go on anymore! I've been booing for a week, can't eat it's just food in my mouth. I've had 2 sandwiches in a week. I'm getting suicidal thoughts as I just can't live with myself for not sorting it out when she was in love with me. I had put her through so much she just can't do it anymore. I can't live without her, she's my best friend! I can't go on! People have said you won't feel like this forever. But I'm 38 and I know I want to be with her! I just can't go on

[chloe40]

Hello there

Please read our resources under 'Pinned posts' on the right hand side of the page and please, do take care.

Chloe

[Hidden]

You need to try once more, and understand we are different to those who brought us up.

My family was very much the same in some ways and I was deterred from many girls because of my family problems. They were setting the jump too high and would kick me down when I could not find someone to spend my life with.

Parents need to understand they cannot pass down their errors to the children they bring into the world. We are our own person and we follow the pathway to a preferred end.

Personally at thirty eight you need to get yourself moving and get this person back. You will resent losing the lady of your dreams.

BOB

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Bob,

It's too late I've lost the lady of my dreams.

[mysmugcat]

I know its hard isn't it. Please hang in there. You did get help well done. Take one day at a time. What will be will be. Please check in here.

[sweetiepye]

Knowing the reason for your issues doesn't mean you have resolved them. Are you in therapy and what changes have you made. You want this woman to make herself vulnerable once again ? You need to have a good reason why she should trust you. I realize the regret and pain you're going through, but you need to be very careful that neither of you get hurt anymore. Pam

[Hidden in reply to sweetiepye]

Hello Pam,

Thanks so much for your reply. I've been seeing a counsellor, given up weed which I've done an aweful long time, put an axe through my games console which both were my kind of escape when wanting time out, volunteered at a homeless shelter to reach out to people that need it. But it's all too late

[sweetiepye in reply to Hidden]

I am impressed and you seem quite sincere . If you can keep this up for an extended period of time and let her know with out putting any pressure on her you might have a chance. Let her discover for herself what a changed man you are. It's not what you say, it's what you do that will make the difference. Good luck.

[Hidden in reply to sweetiepye]

Hi Pam, thanks for your valued advice it's got me through. I wrote an email to my ex saying this. Dearest ...... Not long ago you saw me in the most out of control, vulnerable and desperate state I have ever been in, in my entire life. I know you said you are done and I believe you. You are done with me and relating to me, having feelings of rejection, anger, frustration, confusion and loneliness. Nobody would miss those feelings and that's what you are protecting yourself from, to no surprise! You are no longer vulnerable to me or those feelings and you are doing a good job for yourself. The reason for this letter is not to pressurise you or to have any expectations of us in the future. So this is more of a letter of apology and reassurance. I truly respect your decision and I will never push or force you to feel or do things you think are not right for you. But I want you to know you will not have to be afraid because of past experiences, there will be no danger of me ever hurting you in that way again. That part of me is dead. I will only protect you and keep you safe, listen to you and take care of you, love you unconditionally as a true friend.

No excuses! When I smoke weed heavily I didn't realise just how much it changes me but now I know. I lose the good bits of me and become critical and on edge and don't think of other people. It makes me depressed and I neglect myself and my surroundings. I used it as a matter of escape from the reality I couldn't face. Now I have stopped and had counselling I am a different person and it has to and will stay that way.

I am so sorry I have upset you so many times, I have been unkind and haven't listened or cared for you and naturally I am not way. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. So without more ado or any expectations I'm looking forward to seeing you as a mate because we are both missing out on fun and hilarity.

So Pam I wanted to say thanks for your advice and to not go down the road of making her vulnerable and pressure her which I can see would be a bad move. Thanks Pam for giving me your time and awesome thoughts!

Alexxx

[sweetiepye in reply to Hidden]

It's lovely to get a thank you and you are so welcome. I can tell you have given this relationship a lot of thought. If you compare your first post to the last one you will feel the difference. But wait a little longer, let her come to you or at least wait for a call. You are doing beautifully , don't blow it now. Maybe by the end of the week you could send her something, a bottle of wine with a note'interested?' I'm sure you could think of something a little sexier . Roll with it. Pam

[Hidden in reply to sweetiepye]

Hi Pam as we split a couple of weeks ago and me being so organised I had bought Christmas presents for her and her for me. It was arranged that we will see each other this Thursday to do presents and I wanted to clear the air before we met up.

Thanks again!!

[sweetiepye in reply to Hidden]

Good. I think you've got this. Pam

[holjol22]

I know break ups are shitty and the pain is horrible! I feel like you need to act more to show her you love her! Letters are romantic but its so plan and not natural you need to go to her and express your true emotions, tell her that the love you have for her is so strong it scares you, tell her about your mum and dad and your therapy, express everything to her! If she doesn't accept then, don't give up, show her that you can change, i know emotional pain is so hard to battle but you got to face it, if you had her once you can get her back sweetie