I was politely told that i have got fat.(if there is such a thing of saying it in a polite manner)

[CJ2016]

So last year,i was a goal driven machine,constantly working out,waking up by a certain time making sure to eat every 3 hours,counting every calorie that i was eating,exercising every other day(4 days a week) doing kickboxing & brazillian Jiu Jitsu.

And it was like this for 10 months,i had tunnel vision,i had an objective,during that time made plans to go on holidays,etc,etc,but then Boom as you may know already my mood went to crap.

And the last 8/9 months were spent self loathing,self hating,self harming,self isolation,suicidal thought's,darkness just overtaken my mind(again),and during that time i could not be bothered to cook(still can't to a degree) so i have been living off of eating crap.

Eating when i eat,and not eating when i don't have time,or dont feel like eating basically.

Well the last month and a bit,i have been ok,my mood has changed from that dark period,and back into somewhat of a more lighter mood,granted i have spent more money then i ever antcipated in the last month,and now it's kind of playing on my mind of how much money i have spent now,although at the time i didn't really think much about it,again the impuslive urge to spend money just happens.

Anyway back on topic,last night my uncle who i have not seen in about 3 months or so,came down,and we was sitting there and he was like,"you are looking a little fuller,put weight back on have you" and i was like yeah i put 3(probably more) stone back on(out of 6 stone that i lost).

And his reaction was kind of that of shock,like how have you put so much weight back on,and i was like i just don't have time to eat.

I have put a front on for years in regards to what really is happening in my head,and if people(family) saw the scars on my arm's then obviously it would probably set alarm bells ringing for them.

I have hidden how dark my mood had got and how dark my mood can get,people who live around me could see that my mood was that of "grumpy,miserable,depressing,at times jekyll and hyde" but they don't know how low my mood's get,but they can see how my mood's swing back and fourth.

But again back on topic,after he said that,it has been playing on my mind all night,and all morning,and i don't know how i feel about it really,compared to if it was 3 months odd ago,i would of probably took it as a dagger into my chest.

But it has agitated me a little,but not to a crazy extent,just really hard to explain how i feel about it.

[Satsuma]

I used to put on a front .. No more now .. Even though the weight remarks have hurt you, you can turn them into positives and make changes .. They can only fuel the fire of success for you to make your flames even brighter

[CJ2016 in reply to Satsuma]

As long as my mood stays good,then come January ill start back on my diet again,but i know once i start doing it,then it becomes somewhat of an obsession,and everything has to be perfect to an extent.

Its either all in or nothing,basically.

[Satsuma in reply to CJ2016]

Oh yes I know the all or nothing technique only too well

[CJ2016 in reply to Satsuma]

To be fair it is a technique that get's you result's,but sometimes can be costly to a degree.

[kinikia95]

Yes I do the All or Nothing too. Lately it's nothing. You already knew exactly how much weight youve gained and you're in a better mood. I wouldn't bother myself about what your uncle says, he needs to work on his manners. Its always the uncle for some reason.

[CJ2016 in reply to kinikia95]

My uncle is into fitness and all that stuff,and yeah i know i have gained weight,my weight gain was a reflection of my inner turmoil,but the people around me don't know that because i chose to hide it.

That's all the saw was the miserableness,irritableness,sometimes num,and to the point where i was told i was even depressing to be around,and although i knew i was in that state,it's not something that i feel you can just climb out of,for me,it's a matter of if i wake up in a good mood,it can last a while,if i wake up in a crap mood,that can last a while.

And i guess they just see that as me being me,due to their own problem's i keep my problem's to my self and not let them know what's going on.(selfish of me? maybe)but it is what it is.

It did bug me,because i was thinking,yeah i know i got fatter,yeah i know i put weight on,you don't need to tell me that i am fully aware of my weight gain,i see my reflection in the mirror,and think what the hell was that 8/9 months of being in the gutter all about.

I look in the mirror i see a fat belly in the middle and the scars on my arm's and both of them thing's make me remember and think yeah that just happened,now i have to turn it around again,until my mood goes to crap again,and it will, it always does,and it will be a case of rinse and reapeat.

[Hidden]

I was the same with my family, I would see my Father and we were just sitting there and He turns around and says, By you are fat, and the conversation progressed on the same tack for half an hour, it deflated my mood and I walked out and went home. My family were good doing me down and now when I remember my Father and Mother I remember the words.

BY YOU ARE FAT, He is dead now and I am alienated from my family and sorted a new life.

Four little words, HOW ARE YOU SON would be a better memory to have, there you go ?

B.

[CJ2016 in reply to Hidden]

That sucks,my parents to be fair have never mentioned my weight,it's just that i have two uncles and they are some what fitness fanatic's and when i lost all that weight they expected me to continue down that path,but again,during that time,i would say i was a different person in regards to how high my mood was.