My brother in law & his wife are so toxic! They trigger alot of hurt in me....

[Mycherona]

I really need to vent. To give you an idea of whats going on. My husband is Godfather for his brothers son. My husband always buys gifts for him Christmas & birthdays. Our daughter is exactly one year younger there is only one day in the difference of thier birthdays and my brother in.law and his wife ignore her birthday. My brothers other family members acknowledge.our daughters birthday. Also they named thier daughter a name almost identical to our daughters, which really bugged myself & my husband. When we are at family gatherings my brother in law has no time for our children, he is all about his own. My husband used to make a big fuss about his brothers children but now he has realised that his brother has no time for our children so my husband has taken a step back. My brother in law is all about being around his other siblings and I get the impression that he is trying to shun my husband and our children out of the picture and just have his him, his wife and children in the frame....thankfully my sister in laws are inclusive of my husband and I and our children. There are lots of examples of his toxic behaviour I could give. He reminds me of my sister so much and she is no longer in my life because of the damage she was causing me emotionally (extremely envious/sibling rivalary on her part) I know that some members of my husbands family do not like my brother in laws wife but really I see that she is being kind of scapegoated because it is not all her my.brother in.law is the major culperat and yes he is the drive but his wife is a front seat passenger giving directions. I feel for my husband because he has a lovely nature and is so kind and does not deserve this treatment. Thankfully we don't see much of them. I feel when we are around them we need to protect ourselves from thier horrible vibes and toxicity. He is also a very sarcastic person and smart a** and I try not to react to his comments or let him see it bothers me because I know he wants a reaction. He is sly in.his ways I've heard him say things to my husband to upset my husband and then as my.husband gets upset he makes it look like my husband is the trouble maker. I really feel that not engaging with him is the best thing to do and stir clear of him. Its awful the way family can be so mean towards other family members. Any advice greatly appreciated, thanks in advance.

[LoriMS61]

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time. You can't always choose your family, but on the plus side, you can sometimes.

I've lost so many family members now that I will only need a handful of Christmas cards this year. However, I've cultivated friendships that have the same bond as family members. I've filled in the gaps left with a different type of love.

As you said, you don't have to see them often. So when he is a jerk, remind yourself that you don't know his story, you don't know what motivates him to be the way he is. He can't be a happy man if his happiness is dependant on others misery. He must have self esteem issues. You are the bigger person by not lowering yourself to his level. If he realises he can't bait you, then he might give up.

Xxx

[Hidden]

Sorry to say, I was pushed to rid myself of my family including Sisters they were really bad.

Whe went as far as selling an old family home and moving to a different area so they could not find use. The sad thing was we disconnected from the complete family and relatives so that they could not tell them where we had gone. We just could not take the risk.

I am in my sixties now, we disappeared three or four years ago and we now wished we had done it sooner.

All I can suggest you should consider getting rid of all your concerns either by moving on or telling them not to come back if they cannot treat you and your family with the respect you deserve

First thing you need to do is stop buying gifts for that family, it would seem they are willing to accept the gifts and not return the favour. Remember your children will also feel bad not getting any gifts from them, eventually they will ask why they are not getting anything.

Whatever you do you need to sort it for your own peace of mind

Sorry

B.

[Nesie237]

Mycherona, that sounds like a terrible situation. I don't know how you put up with these toxic people. I'm with borderriever, get them out of your life. There are few people in my family, but there are times i've avoided some of them for periods. I certainly don't know why or how family can treat their own so meanly. Good luck. I hope you and your husband can agree on a plan and not expose your children to this behavior. Nesie 237

[Hidden]

Toxic people are bad enough but when they are in your family it's horrendous. I have a toxic brother in law who made sarcastic remarks to me every time the family got together. In the end he went too far with his nasty sarcasm towards me and I asked him to stop saying to him 'this isn't necessary' and he said 'yes it is' and carried on. I lost it big time - floods of tears and telling him what I thought of his behaviour. He sat there red in the face and looked a prat. It's sort of been resolved since as he gave me pathetic attempt at an apology and I accepted it merely to keep the peace for my sisters sake. Now I just keep my distance. Sometimes It's too bad to cope with and all you can do is cut them out completely. I have another sister who is toxic as well. For her son's sake I haven't cut her out completely but I haven't seen her in years and am in no hurry. I did say I was done with her and wasn't going to ever deal with her again but I worry for my nephew. Her son is nearly an adult now but still at home due to college and has had a lot to put up with. She keeps dating unsuitable men and getting drunk. She wants him to learn to drive so that he can be her taxi. So far he's refused as he has some of the measure of her. She's a user. These toxic people are happy to take but don't ever give back. I feel for these children of your brother-in-laws who are stuck in the middle. If they are young they won't get it yet but they might at some point when they are older. They might also need a father figure who isn't this unpleasant person they've been stuck with. It's not their fault their father's a nasty, sarcastic moron. If you want to give gifts could you do it from a distance. Keep that relationship open for the future perhaps? Posting gifts surely wouldn't be harmful? They'll remember it later. You could make it discrete so your daughter isn't upset that she doesn't get one back and then explain to your her when she's older. Don't have him near her in the meantime. Avoid, avoid, avoid!

I genuinely do hope you are able to find someway forward that is better than the way things are now.

Deb