It's such a cruel punishment. ...

[AmeliaIvy]

It's such a cruel punishment. There's no rashes, no fever, no blood tests to send people running in concern, just the slow erosion of ones self. It's so insidious. It is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on it. I know what it's like to be afraid of you own mind, Im always stuck in here having sleepless nights behind me with restless days before me. I keep asking myself what is wrong with me, I'll lay staring at the ceiling until my eyes are burning red, tears streaming down my face as my body fills up with anger, resentment towards myself, just because I have to live with this. This is who I am. It is torture really especially when the rest of the world is asleep and you're up all alone, your mind going crazy for hours on end and then all of a sudden, it comes to a stand still. During that moment it's when you realise how alone you really are. I don't think people know how it can turn your mind into thoughts into you wish weren't yours. Whats worse is I can see my demons in the dark. They know my name, my face, how I tick... We've been friends for a long time. The one thing you shouldn't be left alone with at night is your own thoughts, they eat you alive until the morning.

Im tired of the sleepless nights, my thoughts, my illness. My mind and body can't take it. If this is what I have to go through for the rest of my life, what chance did I have in the first place? I know it's hard for people to understand, to stay with me when Im like this but you can walk away from what I say, from what I do. I'm left there in my mind, left in all that confusion that I have to deal with. It does feel like eternal hell. Not knowing what Im going to be like day to day, hour to hour. Hurting because I hurt the ones I love the most. I have alot of hatred for myself but I also have much more love to give. You feel misunderstood. Analyze everything. Then you self medicate and hurt yourself and you feel shame, guilt.

It is literally living with confusion. It's purely black and white thinking. It's either good or bad, all or nothing. I dont have an internal governor, i can do deep love and immense rage pretty much simultaneously.

Ive always been torn between wanting to tell my story and letting them know exactly what is going on in my head or keeping it to myself. The problem is being outwardly unhappy can push people away, no matter if they say they're always there to listen. There's only so much your best friends can listen to. On the other hand, to pretend you're happy and everything is fine is to poison yourself from the inside out; it is to ignore who you are and what you're going through. So, the questions is, which is better? To have friends who think you're melodramatic, pessimistic and seeking attention or to drown in your own mind? I can't stand my hypersensitivity. Constantly wanting to be reminding that you're loved, that you're wanted, that you're actually needed and if you don't get that then, its like the flick of a switch, all goes out. Black and white thinking is the bane of my life. It is so hard to trust anyone because you are so scared they're just going to walk out on you. That's it. Just gone, left you after everything they said and done for you. How I see it is, Im brilliant with beginning but endings I always seems to destroy everything, including myself and my relationships.

The impulsive side of BPD has pretty much ruined me. It's got me in debt, ruined friendships, relationships, got myself in states... You name it, it's happened. Just like now, Im telling all of you on an impulse because I need to sleep. I think this is a very good idea but Im terrified it'll backfire. So many factors come into play with me writing this post!

I recently got rejected for a specific therapy which specializes in personality disorders because I don't self harm. Now I hold this close to my heart as I used to self harm. I went through therapy, got diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. I'm now having to go private for my therapy. I have no problem with this but, the thing that annoys me the most is diagnosis for mental illnesses is on the rise and it seems no one is willing to help on a professional level until it's too late. You have to be in "Crisis".

The brain is a body part too. Just because it doesn't appear physically broken doesn't mean the person doesn't feel it. Struggling with mental illness is isolating whether you have one or you're caring for someone who suffers with one.

As you can tell by all of this, its 5am. I haven't slept. I probably wont sleep and this probably makes no sense but thats what happens when you have an episode!

[Goldfish_]

Great writing. Captures the essence of the impossible problem. Self defeating and self fulfilling

[Hidden]

Mental illness isn't recognised enough and talked about enough, if I could get some sort of petition up and running t to send t relevant authorities t increase recognition if depression and mental health then by Christ I would, ive had severe depression/mental health issues for over 12 years been on dozens of different tablets, been to CBT and now I feel lwer than ever, lawren that post you put up there describes mental illness perfectly, the invisible killer as I like to call it

[Angep in reply to Hidden]

Do it then Phil!! Start a petition, I will sign it and I'm sure everyone else on here will 👍

[Hidden in reply to Angep]

I'm really tempted, BUT I don't know where to start, and wouldn't knw how to word the introduction the best way

[Angep in reply to Hidden]

Hi Phil, the secretary for health is Jeremy Hunt MP. He has overall charge of all areas of the health policy and leads on all aspects of mental health. If you google how to contact him it will give you a phone number and email address. You could start by emailing him on your own behalf. Tell him your story. You could then ask people to do the same. Everyone get together and tell him more money needs putting into it. The fact that people are searching the Internet for help and if it wasn't for these forums then people have no where to go in there time of need! I shall email him too. What do you think?

[Hidden in reply to Angep]

Hi Angep, I didn't think about the mp, I'm really thinking abut this because me personally I really think more should be done/offered in terms of help, and the more people we can get interested and joining in the bigger the impact, people power and all that

[Angep in reply to Hidden]

Exactly, there's nothing to loose and what if it makes a difference? I think they are sitting up and paying more attention at the minute. My son is 25 and suffered v badly from depression and anxiety. He tried to take his own life. He works and isn't homeless but wrote a piece on suicide and depression recently for the big issue. From that he's been asked to do a talk in front of health proffesionals and people involved with mental health. He is a well known rap artist in York and he was so brave to lay his soul bare to try help others. His anxiety levels go off the scale doing things like that but he wants to speak out. So you must do it Phil, speak out about it. So many people are suffering. If I can help in anyway then please ask.

[TinaRibena]

I can't imagine what you are going through, it sounds horrible, but you really need to focus on you right now, can you just give yourself a break from yourself? I realise that sounds bizarre, but you say you are not sleeping at night and worried about endless days ahead, who says you have to sleep at night? At the moment, for instance, I am going through a marriage breakdown and I find myself eating cereal at ten o'clock at night and going to bed at two in the afternoon. Your time is your own, spend it wisely to get back to how you would really like to be. Do you do anything to relax or annoy the demons and give them a break, I know it sounds odd, but even something like baking cakes, colouring books (I thank the person who made it normal for adults to do these), painting or even doing a puzzle gives your mind a focus and another thing to concentrate on, something away from everyday dross, it might not work for everyone, but it's worth a go. More importantly, be kind to yourself. xxx

[Angep]

Hi Lawren, my son who is 25 has suffered from depression very badly. He is ok now but does have bad anxiety and admits to feeling down at times. He dosnt sleep either!! He put a post on face book of a baby in the womb saying a throw back to when he last had a decent sleep!! He wrote a piece for the big issue recently on young people and suicide. He's also quite a well known rapper from York. He's been invited to do a talk soon about the same thing. In front of health professionals and other people involved in mental health services.he puts his feelings down on paper and writes songs. My point being by writing it down as you have done at least gets it off your chest. You come across as an intelligent girl and I'm so sorry your suffering so much. No one deserves to suffer so much. Except of course sexual predators . I hope with the passing of time that services do get better and people get the help they so desperately need x